If you squirt lemon juice someone’s eye it doesn’t matter if you were trying to get it on their shrimp…

This has been a long week and I just got back from D.C. this morning and I’m really tired but I vow to always make an entry Sunday evening/Monday morning. I have three running ideas that I have chosen to keep on the shelf after I received some shocking news this evening. My ex that you all have heard from quite regularly was ‘outed’ today by a family friend.

For the ten years I have known Terence I have had an issue with his closeted lifestyle and several of his friends and myself loved his cover by subscribing to Maxim Magazine and then Stuff as well. Although it wasn’t the reason we broke up it played a factor but even then I knew it wasn’t my place to ‘out’ him. Besides it gave me a huge chunk of guilt ammunition when I wanted things my way.

They say the path to hell is paved with good intentions but for the details I’ve received this wasn’t done in an altruistic cause. It was done for some personal agenda. For me coming out was interesting experience. I first came out to my Aunt Lu and my grandmother Nana and both of them gave me their love and support. Neither were thrilled that I was dealt a hand that they perceived to be lonely and life threatening (this was ’95) but they knew that I had to live my own life and pursue the path that I felt was natural and right for me. Even my addict father who was in the ‘MOB’ (and as guido as he is and with the guido accent) said “You’re the only one that can live your life and all I want is for you to be happy.” My mother was another story even now at 30 she still hopes it’s a faze that I may still grow out of. So I would like to ask all of you to tell me how you came out or if you’re not out what keeps you in the closet?

I stopped holding my breath after the last aneurysm

I was talking with an old flame recently who happens to be a very good friend and I was shocked at how jaded and bitter he has become. At first I thought maybe he had just been drinking (which he had) but as I listened to what he was saying I realized he was already a little jaded back when we first met.  I was just too wrapped up in my attraction to him and his rejection of me to even notice that he was suffering from his own pain from relationships. Our conversation illuminated his circumstances coming to NYC but I'll never forget how we met…

Thursday nights was one of my favorite nights out in NYC.  Barracuda is where my bridge and tunnel friends would begin our adventures and Splash was usually where we ended the evening on the dance floor.  Thursday’s was booty music night as I used to call it. I am from the Bronx so I like hip-hop/house music. I just do ok! Anyway on one of my nights out drinking in the fall of 2002 after just returning to NYC after living in Ft Myers Florida for a year I saw the cutest skinniest white boy shaking his ass like he was possessed by the spirit of a female black stripper being excercised in a Baptist Church. He could bump and grind and keep up with the beat like no boy I’d scene before. SORRY my gay white friends but most of you can’t dance. I am Italian and Puerto Rican so I know I can move but even I had trouble keeping up with him but I tried my best. We kissed on the dance floor and then poof he took off with his friends and was gone. I thought well I guess I’ll never see him again.

One night on a date with this really sexy cop from Brooklyn that wanted to trade in his brand new Honda Accord for a Ford Crown Victoria (I hope I talked him out of it while I kissed and fondled him) we decided to go to Splash and I ran into the sexy white boy dancer again. I had to make my move. I ditched the cop to go dance with him. It turned out he had just started working for a new airline that was becoming very successful so we’ll call him Blueboy. We exchanged numbers and went on a few dates and later on found out we were both on a date with the cop that night and both ditched him for each other or something like that.  I really really liked Blueboy and decided I was gonna get him a cute hallmark card to say “hi I like you” I don’t remember what the card said exactly but I thought I picked it very well to make sure it didn’t come across as “I think I love you” but the face Blueboy made was one of sheer terror. I thought things were going really well, he introduced me to his roommates and we hung out together and got along famously.  Everything was going great but after I gave him the card he made it clear that at 23 we are the same age (well I’m 6 months older then him) neither one of us should be settling down and he explained that he had just gotten out of a long relationship. I have to say he was very polite and kind about it so we continued to date casually but after that but drifted apart.

We have remain friends till this day and 7 years later we are able to say we love one another with ease. I am very grateful that he has always been there for me and has never ever made me feel judged even when I was a total mess. In fact as I started getting my shit together he was one of the first people to tell me he how glad he was for me and how much I had made him worry.  I can admit that if I thought I was the right guy for him or that we stood a chance of being together I’d really put up the effort to try to make it work. But Blueboy is always leaving on a Jet plane and I never know when he’ll be back again. So even though we live in the same city I’m not going to stomp my feet or hold my breath to make something happen because we both missed that flight.

Hypocritically Speaking

I have to start questioning whether or not I’m an asshole. Or maybe more fucked up in the head then I am willing to admit. (But I’ll ask my therapist) So I’ve been dating, a lot but still no sex and I find myself hung up on the guys that play their cards closer to the chest. Here are some lyrics that express how I feel:

I'm undecided about you again
Mightn't be right that you're not here
It's double-sided, cause I ruined it all
- But also saved myself, by never believing you, Dear

Everything good, I deem too good to be true
Everything else is just a bore
Everything I have to look forward to
Has a pretty painful and very imposing before…

I have too been playing with fifty-two cards
- Just cause I play so far from my vest
Whatever I've got, I've got no reason to guard
What could I do, but spend my best

“O’ Sailor” by Fiona Apple

No I have learned to play my cards close to my vest like the guys I’m attacked to so you would think I’d start going after the guys that put it all on the table right? Wrong I recently met someone that put it all on the table and I won’t lie said everything I want to hear so you would or even I would expect to be telling you all that I am now engaged and registered at Tiffany’s & Bergdorf’s but instead I got scared freaked out and ran.

Now I can pump my own brakes pretty well, hell after almost 4 months of no sex I can say I can stop on a dime. Here I go again still rationalizing my thought process here. If a sincere, attractive guy doesn’t stand a chance with me then who does? I’m starting to think just the assholes that I keep bitching and moaning about on this blog?

I know I am powerless over other people! I did my first step thank you! But I’m still out matched by my fears. I can work up the courage to go on a date to even kiss but I can’t stop playing the game. Is this my new M O? I tell you what I’m looking for and if you give it to me I scatter like a roach in the light. I don’t want to be this guy. This is the guy I keep complaining about. Maybe I should start writing about myself!

I Get So Emotional Baby

For years I kept my feeling like treasures... buried. Only letting the ones out that I thought would serve my motives. Pout when I wanted attention give love when I wanted it in return but I could flip it on and off like a switch. Now after many a tear dropped in a bucket I have realize that I can no longer hold back my emotions. Every now and then at the most unexpected moment they spill over the top.
Here I am watching a star trek movie and little sad moments burst me into tears. What the fuck is this about.

Well anyway I hope all of you have had a happy Independence Day. I also hope you are celebrating your own form of dependence, whatever your vices may be. I also hope one of them is reading my blog.

You know I’ve written about a lot of the flakes I’ve dated but I haven’t mentioned any of the nice guys the near misses that I have experienced.

What do you do when you meet someone that you have so much in common with and you have so much fun with that the relationship is perfect? What if you even really love the person?

Well in two cases I’d like to discuss I can tell you that one of them a fellow from the rooms I do truly love and I had to make a conscious decision to leave well enough alone and not ruin a healthy relationship. I decided to keep the rooms my safe haven and to not use them as a dating pool. I thought I could get away with dating in another fellowship but I realized to get to know people in other meetings I’d have to go to them regularly and share and here fellow’s shares and then make I’d be really attached to them and therefore not want to date them.

The other guy I met last winter was such a sweet heart we had great dates and tons in common. The problem is that we had too much in common. I care about him but if he were left handed and named Tommy I’d have to kill him. There is such a thing as too much in common. I want to have different outlets in life. If I have too much in common with a person there’s a chance I’d depend too much upon them. I left this relationship flicker out quickly. I enjoyed the connection I felt to this guy especially since he’s not a fellow. It was a learning experience to connect with someone not in the rooms.

So why am I so against dating anyone willing to let me in? I know I’m attracted to the unavailable guys but I’m really working on learning to accept that. I’m even learning to look for a guy that will be available. Why is myself worth (even with all this therapy and little bit of recovery) so low that I don’t all anyone willing to care about me to care about me. I’m working on it and hopefully I will be able to tell you all at some point that I have let someone in. Until then keep reading…

Love on the Rocks

Hello again, hello!

Whether you can admit it or not you know that Neil Diamond has some of the most amazing love songs of all times EVER!
One of my fondest childhood memories is going for a ride in Nana Rose's Buick.  I would  sit on the arm rest in the front seat between Nana Rose, and her mother Nana Mary (my grandmother and great grandmother by marriage).

Nana Rose would ask me to serenade her and got to pop in the 8 track to "Love of the Rocks". I still know the song by heart and I dedicate it to all the men I've loved. The words with Neil's voice are truly haunting.

“Love on the rocks, ain’t no surprise, just pore me a drink and I'll tell you some lies, nothing to lose, so you just sing the blues, all the time

gave you my heart, gave you my soul, you left me alone here with nothing to hold, yesterdays gone, now all I want is a smile

First they say they want you, hear how they really need you, suddenly you find you're out there, walking in a storm

And when they know they have you, then they really have you, nothing you can do or say, you got to leave, just get away

We all know the song, you need what you need, you can say what you want, not much you can do when the feeling is gone, maybe blue skies above, but its cold, when your loves on the rocks...”

Written by: Neil Diamond & Gilbert Becaud

How is this not the anthem to the broken hearts club, and was this foreshadowing my entire love life to come way back in 1981?  I mean I was only 2 years old!  Was the evil eye put on me all those years ago riding in the Buick? Did I curse myself by singing along?

Now I've had a few relationships, on many types of rocks, so by now I’m never shocked when things go south, but I've always given my all in every relationship but as I get older and circumstances change I realize my all is changing as well. I've learned that giving to much of myself has only left me to bare the tundra of solitude. So how do I communicate what my needs are and meet someone else’s without running aground?

The paradox of rescue...

The paradox of rescue...

Hey peeps so sorry to keep you all waiting for my next entry. I would first of all like to thank all of you that have been following me that I know and those of you that are following me that I don’t know. I vow to continue to be the best me that I can be and bring you my thoughtful opinions and perspectives on the world.

I would also like to give a shout out to my friend Yamira that found me on Facebook and reunited me with several old HS friends! (Love you and FB) The best part of finding Yamira is that one we are exactly 6 months apart and have a weird connection I can honestly tell you I’ve scoured FaceBook and MySpace looking for her, but also she has a great memory and can help me fill in some details in regards to Doink (she was there) and she reminded me of his original nickname “Pigeon Giggles”

So let’s begin shall we?

If I save myself before you come to my rescue I'll resent you for making me do all the work. I’ll perceive myself as having done all the work to make myself the better person and I will wear it as a badge to prove to you that I really don’t need you and that I’m doing you a favor by hanging around with you. However if you save me I'll probably be overly grateful at first and over compensate initially in the relationship till I get fed up with it and start withdrawing. Then you’ll become resentful at how ungrateful I’ve become and how I no longer treat you like the hero on the pedestal that you used to be. This slippery slope will cause all sorts of discontent in the relationship finally killing it.

So what is the solution? Well I’ve accepted that the only thing I can accept from a partner is their love and companionship and that it is up to me to rescue myself, but maybe it’s fair game to play a damsel in distress up until you find me then not only will I help you rescue me but I also will know that you are the right guy for being willing to step off the high horse to lend a hand and I will then be able to give you clear and precise instructions on what I need to feel rescued. Then we can go off into the sunset and I can help you slay a dragon!

I’m feeling a little verklempt!

Where do I begin this entry? I’m going to keep it short and to the point.

I got home Thursday afternoon from a wonderful visit with my baby brother and his wonderful mother Toni and eight days is not enough time to spend with him. While gone two friends passed away and I returned home to find out Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett had passed away. Now not that MJ remembers meeting me but he makes 3 people that I’ve met died in one week. I’m not bragging about meeting MJ but the two friends Scott & Giro that passed I am truly mournful over, not that the loss of the two icons aren’t as tragic they just weren’t as close to home.

My little brother asked me some questions about our dad and it’s so hard to answer him in a way that is respectful of the fact that A: my little brother is just ten. B: our father is an addict who suffers from a disease. C: I don’t want to make any complexes he may develop over these issues any worse. D: I don’t want to jade him with my own experiences regarding our father but I also want to protect him from the damage I suffered.

On top of all this I just checked to see if our dad is still alive and I found out he was released from jail a week after my birthday and his mug shot looks horrible. In recovery the one thing I honestly still pray for just like when I was a little kid was that my father would be safe and taken care of. Not that I believe in god but I cast out the thought that I hope he gets better and has the chance to gain what I’ve gained in recovery.

At this point though I really want to withdraw from my program and avoid all the friends I’ve made because people keep dying. It’s getting me down. Maybe I need to take a break but I don’t need to relapse…