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Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Hypocritically Speaking

I have to start questioning whether or not I’m an asshole. Or maybe more fucked up in the head then I am willing to admit. (But I’ll ask my therapist) So I’ve been dating, a lot but still no sex and I find myself hung up on the guys that play their cards closer to the chest. Here are some lyrics that express how I feel:

I'm undecided about you again
Mightn't be right that you're not here
It's double-sided, cause I ruined it all
- But also saved myself, by never believing you, Dear

Everything good, I deem too good to be true
Everything else is just a bore
Everything I have to look forward to
Has a pretty painful and very imposing before…

I have too been playing with fifty-two cards
- Just cause I play so far from my vest
Whatever I've got, I've got no reason to guard
What could I do, but spend my best

“O’ Sailor” by Fiona Apple

No I have learned to play my cards close to my vest like the guys I’m attacked to so you would think I’d start going after the guys that put it all on the table right? Wrong I recently met someone that put it all on the table and I won’t lie said everything I want to hear so you would or even I would expect to be telling you all that I am now engaged and registered at Tiffany’s & Bergdorf’s but instead I got scared freaked out and ran.

Now I can pump my own brakes pretty well, hell after almost 4 months of no sex I can say I can stop on a dime. Here I go again still rationalizing my thought process here. If a sincere, attractive guy doesn’t stand a chance with me then who does? I’m starting to think just the assholes that I keep bitching and moaning about on this blog?

I know I am powerless over other people! I did my first step thank you! But I’m still out matched by my fears. I can work up the courage to go on a date to even kiss but I can’t stop playing the game. Is this my new M O? I tell you what I’m looking for and if you give it to me I scatter like a roach in the light. I don’t want to be this guy. This is the guy I keep complaining about. Maybe I should start writing about myself!

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