Thursday, June 18, 2009
I used to always find myself need deep in relationships. I think it’s probably one of my early forms of the 'ism'. I mean for an 11 year span of my life 16-27 I think I spent 9 in a relationship. Doink, James, Doink, Doink, Doink, Romeo, Bryan, Terence, Eddie and Rich. Now Rich and Eddie were each two years back to back and I was engaged to Eddie. Now don’t worry my peeps I’ll get into James Romeo Bryan and Eddie at some point each one is a lovely tale I tell but as always and the reason I started this blog is that I’m the common thread here. All the above named have just been catalysts to my ‘ism’s.
I have been single now for three years next month and yes I’ve dated and even had a second date or two but most of them were not anything that I wanted to jump into, further more I’ve made a conscious decision to start changing my ways so even though I relapsed a lot on drugs in my first two years trying to get clean I did not relapse into a unhealthy relationship. (And yes Terence our relationship was unhealthy because I was in it) So am I lonely yes but am I alone no! I have a ton of friends that I can call anytime I have meeting where I can complain how lonely I am. When I feel like this my favorite song by Jude is “Paper Towel” the lyrics mention not being immune to the loneliness and suggests communicating with the objects in the home and spooning an over sized pillow which I do, and that I can accept the caress of my razor on my cheek to feel not alone. I even took this another level whenever I feel really alone I take clean laundry that’s folded and put it in the bed next to me to really fill up that empty space in my bed. The one thing I have not yet done is take anyone else hostage.
Now I know it takes two to tango but I can look back at each one of these relationships and know that even if I didn’t twist the other ones are into being my boyfriend I sure didn’t pay attention to the signs that they were unhealthy to begin with to step out of the way of the truck. Now I’ve been dating for 2 weeks now and I’ve met some interesting and nice guys, and been shot down by a couple of them and I have shot down a few myself and I’ve met a few that I wanted to lock in my bedroom and not let get away but I chose to act like an adult and sulk in private and then I came up with the nifty idea to start this blog.
I have also started to notice my behaviors since I’ve gotten sober. One of my defense mechanisms is to be a bull in a china shop and just throw every issue I have at any and all suitors looking to get to know me. So I’m still carrying my baggage that is marked fragile and jingles like broken glass but I’m learning when it’s appropriate to put certain issues on the table. I do know that eventually I’d like to find someone that is willing to help me put my crap wrapped in Louis Vuitton in storage so that we can walk to Bergdorf Goodman’s and pick out new china in a less dysfunctional pattern. Until then I’ll be here waiting…