Monday, September 14, 2009
Sorry to keep you all waiting for this entry but I’ve really just been caught up with dealing with life on life’s terms. I doubt I would have been able to get through what has happened over the course of the last two weeks if hadn’t been for all the love and support of the wonderful people in my life.
Things started to hit the fan Wed September 2nd when I received a phone call from my mother urging me to become a civil servant. I told her I appreciated the job posting she forwarded to me and that I would look at them. I also told her that I would appreciate if she would actually take my education and career goals in mind when she was deciding what I should be doing. I agree with her whole heartedly that a job with a pension is a logical safe step. I explained to her that my heart is in the non-profit world and that I’d be happy to work for a city agency that had a mission statement that was near and dear to my heart.
My mother then proceeded to contact an old family friend to recruit into her game. I get an email from this family friend telling me I should really get a job with the city. I know my mothers handy work. I’ve been playing this chess game called my life with her for 30 years. I bluntly told this person that I’d appreciate it if he stood out of my career goals and ambitions and to not relay messages from my mother to me or that I would simply cut him out of my life. He understood and apologized not realizing that he was getting sucked into the mellow drama between mother and I.
Out of desperation my mother contacted an estranged relative to relay the same message. This relative is very close with me and not my mother for many justifiable reasons that I won’t get into right now. Up until that Friday I was the only blood relative speaking to my mother. Not that I’m close or fond of my mother but out of pity. Our mutual relative replied back asking why they should bother to repeat the message when my mother had made a very vulgar comment publicly about them. Then in a last ditch effort to gather support in her personal goals for my future my mother revealed to this relative very sensitive information about me that I had been keeping private. My mother was only privy to this info out of necessity not out of confidence in a trusted love one.
Needless to say I was outraged and upset about this relative finding this out from my mother. It was not her secret to tell and in no way was this, the scenario that I had planned. I had made it very clear that it was not information to be shared with anyone else. I feel violated by this and countless other events and have decided that for my own sanity and mental health that my mother is no longer a part of my life. I know I don’t have the ability to read minds, however I do know that my mother did this out of spite and as an attempt to manipulate someone to take her side. I can say that the silver lining is that it only has brought me closer to the person she gossiped to.
At this moment in time my mother no longer exists to me. I do not have the energy to keep defending the onslaught against every boundary or line in the sand I draw. In order to take care of me I need to keep surrounding myself with the good people in my life and I have plenty. I will not tolerate people in my life threatening my recovery. There are roles in life such as motherhood that we preconceive to be safe and loving, so why do I have to look to other relatives, friends and even strangers for this type of support? I’m not going to trash my mother here. She is a sick person that loves me the best she can. I just can’t accept toxic love anymore; my standards have become too high. I will be treated with love and respect by people in my life not be manipulated and controlled.