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Thursday, November 12, 2009

WIN AT LOVE? I CAN’T EVEN WIN AT SOLITAIRE!


So I think its time to crawl back under a rock with a three years supply of Ben & Jerry’s Chubby Hubby and eat it in 4 months. At least when I was still fat I could understand why getting a date was difficult but I’m 158lbs I have a 31.5 waist I’m hung like a donkey, I’m smart and I’m not ugly either and not just because my aunt says so.

I’ve made my profiles all of them poz.com adam4adam manhunt and every other site I’ve been on I’ve made it clear that I’m not looking for guys with boyfriends or guys that are just looking for sex so what do I get now? I get guys with boyfriends that are looking for friends and threesomes or still just guys with boyfriends that want to fuck. Or guys that chase after me for a week and then fall of the face of the earth. I’m done but I don’t know what direction to go in from this point. I feel like I’ve been holding on to this ideal in my mind that if I just keep holding out for the right guy for the right fit that sooner or later its gonna happen but it’s a lot fucking later. (This is not for comment from any of my recovery friends if you give me some bullshit life on life’s terms lines I will fucking slap you!) I’m seriously ready to just move pull another geographic and disappear and start over again.

I came home to NYC to get clean and you know what I’m clean the side effects of sobriety have been wonderful, I’m employed I’m busy I have a life etc etc etc but the only reason I got sober was because the big that was not working in my life was that I always felt alone. I sucked on a crystal pipe alone. I did everything alone only because I was a successful drug dealer people were always willing to hangout with me till I kicked them out. Now I’m sober almost 2 years and I just feel more alone. I don’t go to meetings for a week no one calls me to check on me, they tell other people to call me because I’m a reliable source of information on this or that but no one really misses me when I’m not around.

I’ve gained to much to give up on myself specifically to go back to using but I’m done with this life I’m living it’s not what I wanted and the beneficial side effects aren’t totally up to anything worth holding onto so I need to change something. So heads up people I’m going in a different direction and I’m not looking back.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Lonely In Translation


When I'm alone and can't seem to meet anyone interested in me my fears and insecurities of being alone forever rise to the surface. When someone tells me exactly what I want to hear my fears of being lied to and manipulated show their face. When I meet someone I'm interested in all I can do is judge myself about why I'm not worthy of them. These are the issues I work on the most. In gay language I don’t think we have a word for dating. You're either boyfriends, fuck buddies or a quicky/hookup, we don't even do one night stands the thought of waking up next to someone, well that just too intimate. So how do you approach someone you're interested in them without sounding desperate and or lonely or worse clingy?

I had a date last night and I want to give myself a pat on the back for not doing my normal B.I.C.S. (Bull in China Shop) routine of here's all my issues take it or leave it crap. I'm not going to get into all the details of why this guy stands out but I will say I had a wonderful time. But here's what's so fucking crazy I left the date with the typical addict mentality questioning everything. I keep playing the tape back in my head I should have played footsies with him I should have touched him I shouldn't have told that joke or that story blah blah blah blah blah but even if I did scare him off or freak him out which I don't think I did, kudos to me for catching myself every time I almost went down my normal pit falls. I mean shit I'm not saying this guy is the one but I like him so I don't really need to drop my life story on the 1st date. If my ultimate goal is a healthy relationship then I need to start behaving in healthy ways right? So maybe he had a good time with me and maybe he wants to see me again maybe he'll text me today, maybe this strange uncomfortable feeling is how normal healthy people behave. I don't know yet we'll just have to see.

The highlight of my evening was when my neighbor got home and told me what happened on his date. Not that I enjoy his misery or drama, however I do make note of his wrong turns to help me avoid the same mistakes. He took his boyfriend (the guy he met 2 weeks ago) to a concert and apparently the guy didn't like the music so he just walked out on him. Now first off my co-worker tried to get me to take my date to a show tonight but I wasn't gonna force my appreciation of theatre onto my date when I barely know him or his taste. Second I wanted to be able to converse to get to know him so dinner was a much better plan. Third I'm not going to stand for being walked out on at a venue so why risk that embarrassment with someone I just met.

So I have no idea where I'm heading with this stuff but I have feeling that since this felt so different from my usual actions that this was actually a really good step in the right direction. Whichever way that is and even if I did do something my date didn't like at least I can say that I can tell I'm getting better at the things I'm working on so we’ll see…