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Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Your Mom's on my Buddylist

The title of this blog is inspired by a bumper sticker I read once on I17 in Phoenix, AZ. Also it is very apropos considering the subject of this entry, however you know me and how I like to paint a picture, so I'll start from the beginning.

By now you all get the gist that I'm a drug addict/alcoholic in recovery. I blame it on the bad genes handed down to me. Not that that matters, I continue to take the next right action and maintain a sober life. Along with they addict gene I inherited from my biological Father. I also suffer from another condition know as "sleep terrors". This I owe to my Mother. (Thank you Mommie Dearest) If you're not familiar with this just imagine you're worst waking nightmares reoccurring several or more times a night, sleep walking and becoming physical to the point where if you do stay asleep you spend most of the night punching things around you or running kicking and screaming, even attacking people in your bed or your home. So when you awaken to your alarm 8 hours of sleep may feel like a short nap. Now imagine this happening almost every night of the week. Suffice it to say I suffer from this condition since I was a teenager and it became truly debilitating in 2002. I never understood why Mom would scream in her sleep and often half naked charge out of her bedroom eyes wide open shouting obscenities, start slamming doors, looking in the cabinets and sometimes even attack me. She would then retreat back to her bedroom and sometimes even wake up and ask if I heard her having a nightmare. On the nights I was accosted I would just pretend to be asleep. Sometimes I was able to walk her back to bed and no one was hurt, other times she would bruise herself and/or me. Saturday nights were always entertaining; Me on the sofa with my big retriever dog Sheena watching SNL circa '91. I'd be laughing at Mike Myers when all of a sudden Sheena's ears perk up. I hear mom screaming "GET FUCK OUT OF HERE, WHAT FUCK!" as Sheena jumps off the sofa and in front of the Door to building hallway Mom comes taring out the bedroom in bra's and panties (not matching btw) hair disheveled and full on "CRAZY EYES" I'm talking racooned out and teeth snarling like some type of Amazon Warrior from "Xena" and she even crouches like she's about to start wrestling for her life and the opponent doubles as dinner. She looks at me like we're in the battle dome or something and asks "What are you doing?" "I'm sitting here watching TV, MOM!" As though it takes her a minute to comprehend what I'm saying she starts doing the crazy eye head bop/eye shift. The head spasms in arched movements from left to right to classic '70's disco (toot toot ya beep beep) while the eyes continue to go left right left right at a completely different tempo. More like a gay house beat. (Groove is in the heart) Mom turns around and retreats to her bedroom and doesn't shut the door behind her. 5 minutes later she re-emerges conscious "Were you just in my room?" "No Mom I've been sitting here watching TV, but you were out here a few minutes ago." I reply looking straight through her trying to catch the joke from the sketch. "Was I having a nightmare?" she asked bewildered. "I guess so" like I know what the heck is going on under that rat nest of hair. "Well get to bed, its to late for you to be up." I know this doesn't sound funny but every now and then this would happen with the green mask on her face or my personal favorite when she's start trying to climb into a hallway closet as though "Narnia" was on the other side. She never got out the Condo cause my Sheena would not move from in front of that door. (I miss my Sheena the best dog EVER RIP)

Now my night terrors started getting bad in 2002 as I mentioned this is right after My Stepfather perished My Nana died and Sheena was put to sleep. All within 7 months. Not to mention the Doink fiasco. So I was rather overwhelmed and barely 23 years old. I started waking up constantly from nightmares or waking up with bruised knuckles and sometimes scratches self inflicted. I became more and more afraid to sleep. I started to self medicate. (imagine that) This continues to get worse. At some point after moving back to NYC in the fall of '02 I start having auditory hallucinations. I start drinking even more. The only way I can fall asleep and stay asleep is if I pass out drunk. Now I didn't want to become an alcoholic so I don't drink or use drugs on school nights and these evening I get, if I'm lucky 2-3 hours of sleep in an 8 hour window. I start passing out at work on breaks and wake up screaming within minutes of laying my head down. This is when my crystal use starts.

I had tried crystal twice before and found I could take it or leave it like coke. I just wasn't that into it. As my sleeping issues became worse and other experimental self prescribed drugs failed I recalled that 'Tina' gave me the ability to stay conscious and functional. Tina and I were engaged from that moment on. I could stay awake as long as I chose to (usually 36-48 hours) then crash for 8-12 from exhaustion and all thought I still had night terrors they were now happening only every other night or not at all if I had an entire weekend off. Needless to say within months I was using crystal daily and staying up for on average 5 days at a time. My ex from that portion of my life would force me to take Ambien and refused to sleep next to me. All I would want is to cuddle and be held as I fell asleep cause even with 2-3 Ambiens I knew I was going to be fighting a war once I shut my eyes. I can't even get into how disturbing my dreams were even before the drugs entered my life. My ex would lay next to me for maybe 10 minutes and as soon as I started to twitch he slept on the couch. He had described to me watching me flail around as if Linda Blair had just received a Enema of holy water.

I'm sure by now you're saying "who's mom am I referring to?" Well let me catch you up to speed (no pun) on how I got to Arizona. My ex and I were working for his friend and at that point I decided the relationship was over and that I was moving on. While in Arizona I met this other guy that I fell in love with and took hostage. It is this ex's Mom that I am referring to in the title. So lets discuss this my my last ex and why I chose to email him last night and how much this has had my head spinning from last night. As I became involved with this said ex we cuddled a lot and that was a big improvement of the previous guy. He didn't put up with my hitting him in my sleep. I woke up once to him screaming at me cause he thought I was picking a fight. Most nights he slept to heavy to even notice my screaming but the occasional left hook got me pushed out of bed more then once and either of us on the couch some nights. He was convinced that my dreams were related to some violent crime he believed I committed. Granted there was drug use in our relationship, it was much less then it had previously been also at this point my night terrors were so common to me that I had adjusted and after 2 years with my ex even he adjusted. As bad as we both were to each other I don't doubt there was an honest core of love between us. I say this because by the second year of our relationship instead of him fighting back with me started sleeping on my left side so that only my right arm (I'm left handed and have no strength in my right arm) could really swing at him. Also he developed this habit of (while totally asleep) just scooping me up in his arms spooning and restraining me symotainiously while whispering in my ear "shhhh its okay. Its just a dream, you're safe. Go back to sleep, I love you." Well maybe not all of that but on the more then one occasion I woke up from a night terror I would hear any given part of something like that. I know he would restrain me cause sometimes I'd wake up needing to relieve myself and try to wiggle out of bed only to have his left arm swoop over me and pull me tightly in to him and here something like what I just repeated.

Now I'm not saying the relationship was healthy infact I can say as much as I miss him sometimes I know that I wouldn't have been able to get my life in order had I not. That doesn't mean that what we had wasn't important to me. Furthermore I haven't been in a serious relationship with anyone since him, and it will be 3 years this July that I am single. Now we certainly had our falling out and he is the type that will delete his email address and change his phone numbers and even move leaving no way of getting in contact with him. His mother however uses the same screenname for everything and was very easy to find. Also we got along very well when I was with her son and she liked me. When I started chatting with her on various social networking sites I believe she told me that he (my ex/her son) was very mad at her. I am glad that I have kept her on my buddylist cause even though I live 2500 miles away and doubt that we would even have a future with one another, nor do I feel like attempting to get involved with anyone at this juncture of my life even something familiar. And being in recovery we make that amends list and I'm not on that step yet but I'm close to it and had it not been for my consistency in maintaining a dialog with the Mother of someone I love I would not have had the opportunity to re-examine these uncomfortable feelings towards someone I love nor the chance to start the process of healing. So that's why his Mom is on my buddylist.

cRaZy Is LiKe WaTeR, iT tAkEs ThE sHaPe Of ItS cOnTaInErEr

We All know water seeks its own level, and birds of a feather? Well they flock together. I know I'm a crazy bitch, I don't have crazy eyes though. I have had many incarnation's of my craziness. In High School My craziness manifested by dieing my hair and sticking safety pins through an assortment of my fleshy parts. Falling in love with a boy that was completely unavailable. rebelling against any and every rule.

In my early 20's my craziness took shape by jumping into relationships and moving back and forth across the country as if I were some how inspired my by the Louis & Clarke expeditions. Also by experimenting with every drug that was put before me. Except heroin. I am afraid of heroin, my uncle died from asphyxiation on his own vomit in his sleep while passed out. I don't like slowing down. I was always being told to hurry up by my mother so when I found my drug of choice it was almost instantaneous love. I could move at speeds and maintain a stamina that was unknown to my constantly melancholy state of being.

See its not just the vessel that's shaped like crazy. I think my liquid fillings have also had crazy powder thoroughly baked into my genes and regardless of the shape my mold I'm still a moist cake of insanity so no matter how you slice it I am my insanity my fillings and my behaviors however I choose to bake myself.

I am now 30 and very much on the table of proper portions and delicious finger sandwiches of slogans steps and recovery, but every now and then I like to take bigger bite then I can chew and wash it down with some crazy juice!