Dear Mom

Dear Mom

Thank you for violating my privacy by disclosing my HIV status to everyone in our family after I asked you not to. Thank you for giving my phone number to my father. It was wonderful talking to him on Sunday afternoon while he was intoxicated. It was even better when he called me Monday evening when he was high. Thank you for degrading my career choices. I appreciated the phone calls from random people with employment advice. I I apologize for the 5 years of my life where I let things get out control and I let my life go down the toilet. I appreciate you taking me in and trying to help me get my life together. Part of getting my life together has included ridding myself of the chemical physical and mental toxins in my life. Not having you in my life has removed a major stress factor in my life. Moving to NYC made my t-cells jump from 325 to 425, and in the 6 months that I've not been in contact with you they have increased to over 500. I have started a wonderful career in the private sector that i love and I am starting college this spring. I will also be celebrating my 2 year anniversary this March. I did relapse on cigarettes after I had to explain my health and HIV status with my Aunt.

You may think that your actions are always benevolent and you can stand by what ever defense you choose to explain them but it doesn't change the outcome or how they effect me or the people that you enlist. I'm sorry for all the things I've put you through and I'm sorry that I don't make choices you agree with but the only way to stop causing each other pain is to cut the cord and so I have. I'm not living my life to make anyone but myself happy and I'm not apologizing for it anymore. I don't have any need for the things you offer to me like house and money. The only conditions and terms I accept in my life are terms that require meeting my goals and making myself happy and healthy.

In making amends to myself I can no longer allow toxic people in my life and in making amends to you all I can do apologize for my past and say good bye. I have changed my phone number and I have filtered my email acct so that anything I receive from you is sent to a junk folder. If and when something happens that information needs to be sent to me I'm sure there is channel that you will find.

I love you and wish you find the sense of peace I have found in my life.

Your Son
Thomas

“I am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t live without each other love.”

I was walking back to the office today from an errand when this scene from “Sex in the City” popped in my head, I couldn’t help but wonder when was the last time I made an entry in my blog? I know my last few had been pretty whiney and angry and I didn’t even post the ones that I had written a few months ago because I knew they were just coming from such a desperate lonely place. I was pretty miserable for a while but thankfully I snapped out of it. A dear friend called me the other night scolding me about how I needed to see how far I’ve come and why I got sober and he was right. Fortunately I had had some action recently and that really put me in a much better mood.

Yes I’m still holding out for Mr. Right even if my cynical side is expecting him to be arriving D.O.A. but I have to look at the bright side and my boss actually helped me see this. Maybe none of the guys I’ve met are the right one but at least I’m putting myself out there and at least I’m getting dates. Am I looking in the right places? I don’t know but I’m not leaving and stone unturned. If he’s out there I’m going to find him and when I do he’s going to be happy. I can’t say that I’m not happy where my life is right now. I have job I enjoy, friends that I care about and I’m surrounded by wonderful people. I’m going back to school in the spring and I’ve lost 40lbs I’m skinny again and am looking pretty damn good. I am just missing one accessory and that’s ok.

Everything happens when it’s supposed to happen and I have faith that it will. So maybe I have to adjust my rules a little bit to avoid the ‘HALT’. I may not have found exactly what I’m looking for yet but the more I try the more I am sure of what I don’t want and that’s better that not knowing what you want. Like my Aunt said or quoted “You may not even remember where or when you first had it, but once you get a taste of it you’ll keep searching for it and you can’t give up until you do” So here’s to the relentless pursuit of LOVE where ever it maybe and to the joy of the hunt bring it on boys!

WIN AT LOVE? I CAN’T EVEN WIN AT SOLITAIRE!

So I think its time to crawl back under a rock with a three years supply of Ben & Jerry’s Chubby Hubby and eat it in 4 months. At least when I was still fat I could understand why getting a date was difficult but I’m 158lbs I have a 31.5 waist I’m hung like a donkey, I’m smart and I’m not ugly either and not just because my aunt says so.

I’ve made my profiles all of them poz.com adam4adam manhunt and every other site I’ve been on I’ve made it clear that I’m not looking for guys with boyfriends or guys that are just looking for sex so what do I get now? I get guys with boyfriends that are looking for friends and threesomes or still just guys with boyfriends that want to fuck. Or guys that chase after me for a week and then fall of the face of the earth. I’m done but I don’t know what direction to go in from this point. I feel like I’ve been holding on to this ideal in my mind that if I just keep holding out for the right guy for the right fit that sooner or later its gonna happen but it’s a lot fucking later. (This is not for comment from any of my recovery friends if you give me some bullshit life on life’s terms lines I will fucking slap you!) I’m seriously ready to just move pull another geographic and disappear and start over again.

I came home to NYC to get clean and you know what I’m clean the side effects of sobriety have been wonderful, I’m employed I’m busy I have a life etc etc etc but the only reason I got sober was because the big that was not working in my life was that I always felt alone. I sucked on a crystal pipe alone. I did everything alone only because I was a successful drug dealer people were always willing to hangout with me till I kicked them out. Now I’m sober almost 2 years and I just feel more alone. I don’t go to meetings for a week no one calls me to check on me, they tell other people to call me because I’m a reliable source of information on this or that but no one really misses me when I’m not around.

I’ve gained to much to give up on myself specifically to go back to using but I’m done with this life I’m living it’s not what I wanted and the beneficial side effects aren’t totally up to anything worth holding onto so I need to change something. So heads up people I’m going in a different direction and I’m not looking back.

Lonely In Translation

When I'm alone and can't seem to meet anyone interested in me my fears and insecurities of being alone forever rise to the surface. When someone tells me exactly what I want to hear my fears of being lied to and manipulated show their face. When I meet someone I'm interested in all I can do is judge myself about why I'm not worthy of them. These are the issues I work on the most. In gay language I don’t think we have a word for dating. You're either boyfriends, fuck buddies or a quicky/hookup, we don't even do one night stands the thought of waking up next to someone, well that just too intimate. So how do you approach someone you're interested in them without sounding desperate and or lonely or worse clingy?

I had a date last night and I want to give myself a pat on the back for not doing my normal B.I.C.S. (Bull in China Shop) routine of here's all my issues take it or leave it crap. I'm not going to get into all the details of why this guy stands out but I will say I had a wonderful time. But here's what's so fucking crazy I left the date with the typical addict mentality questioning everything. I keep playing the tape back in my head I should have played footsies with him I should have touched him I shouldn't have told that joke or that story blah blah blah blah blah but even if I did scare him off or freak him out which I don't think I did, kudos to me for catching myself every time I almost went down my normal pit falls. I mean shit I'm not saying this guy is the one but I like him so I don't really need to drop my life story on the 1st date. If my ultimate goal is a healthy relationship then I need to start behaving in healthy ways right? So maybe he had a good time with me and maybe he wants to see me again maybe he'll text me today, maybe this strange uncomfortable feeling is how normal healthy people behave. I don't know yet we'll just have to see.

The highlight of my evening was when my neighbor got home and told me what happened on his date. Not that I enjoy his misery or drama, however I do make note of his wrong turns to help me avoid the same mistakes. He took his boyfriend (the guy he met 2 weeks ago) to a concert and apparently the guy didn't like the music so he just walked out on him. Now first off my co-worker tried to get me to take my date to a show tonight but I wasn't gonna force my appreciation of theatre onto my date when I barely know him or his taste. Second I wanted to be able to converse to get to know him so dinner was a much better plan. Third I'm not going to stand for being walked out on at a venue so why risk that embarrassment with someone I just met.

So I have no idea where I'm heading with this stuff but I have feeling that since this felt so different from my usual actions that this was actually a really good step in the right direction. Whichever way that is and even if I did do something my date didn't like at least I can say that I can tell I'm getting better at the things I'm working on so we’ll see…

Quantum Relationships

I don’t know maybe I’m just looking for someone just like me? But if that’s the case I know I’m never going to find it because I know how unique I am not that I’m trying to sound egotistical here I just mean I don’t operate on the same levels as most of the gay men I meet. I guess being raised in a female house hold where a woman’s reputation was important and the fact that my sexuality was accepted from the beginning spared me some of the issues I see most guys suffer from. However it also kept me from accepting the promiscuousness of our culture. Unfortunately my wild crazy drug days exposed me to certain types of fun that the vanilla goodie two shoes boys aren’t into. So the guys that are looking for the serious relationships are never my type either.

I’m not afraid of putting sex on the shelf, I’ve done it before and I am considering doing it again. I’m sick of my recovery friends telling me how great I am and great I look and how I’ll meet someone when it’s right because it’s been right for a long time now. I mean yeah I’ve only been sober for 19 and a half months but I’ve been the same person my whole life. And yes I gained some weight when I got clean but now that I’ve lost it I’m suddenly more appealing and less annoying but the insides and the thought processes were still the same. I don’t mean to knock recovery but the only x factor I can find is the fact that my recovery has completely blocked any possibility to get in a relationship. I have said this for a long time the longer I stay sober the lower my tolerance levels get. I’m not saying I’m turning my back on recovery at all, I can look at the big picture here and you know what yes my life is easily a thousand times better but I have to be doing something wrong somewhere I just don’t know what it is. Am I too picky? You know what maybe so but yes I want someone closer to my age, that is thin preferably taller then me with a full head of hair that actually wants to spend the night in the south Bronx.

I have made a vow to myself that next year I’m stepping back from all my service commitments. I have taken too much on my plate this year. I know they have helped me stay clean but it’s true I see it making me resentful of recovery and that’s a slippery slope. I think finding balance is far more complicated then quantum physics.

Dear Mister Right

I don’t know who you are or what you look like or even what you do in your spare time, but clearly it is not spent with me. Maybe you got lost on your way and are stuck on the subway. Well I hope you can find your way back home because I am turning my lights of and going to bed.

Maybe you were waiting for me while I was lost in my world of unhealthy behavior. Maybe you walked past me on the street and didn’t know it was me or maybe you lost my number and have been looking franticly through your pockets but either way I think its best that we just move on. Maybe you’re still mad at me for all the dumb decisions I made in my life or are waiting for me to learn some sort of lesson from all the wrong guys I’ve dated. This passive aggressive behavior is not becoming of you.

If you do decide to attempt to contact me I will appreciate the phone call but at this time I have nothing to say to you. I wish you well in your endeavors and hope you can do the same for me. Clearly you need more time and space then I’m willing to give so GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!

You might recognize me from an episode of cops

No I was never actually in an episode of cops but wouldn't that be fucked up if I was? Not shocking but unlikely. I look back at my life and the people I associated with like my ecstasy dealer in Ft. Myers that was on an episode of cops where he got arrested on Virginia beach cause he was drunk and acting a fool. Then there was my apartment in Ft. Myers that an episode of cops was filmed when they busted some hookers and a crack dealing pimp. Ah the good old days. How did my life lead me to these sketchy places and shady people? Oh yeah cause I'm an addict and I was digging deep for my bottom.

It's kind of funny how my life has made such a 180. I eventually started working for a criminal justice program where I had to pretend to be an upright citizen while still getting high. I figured as long as I stayed on the paying retail end of the drug world I'd manage. Did someone say unmanageability? I really did I convinced myself if I didn't go back to my drug slinging ways everything would be just fine. FYI it didn't. I still used like a dealer with an unlimited supply and had to go much further lengths to maintain it. I can truly say this was my bottom. Thank god I didn't end up on an episode of cops!