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Tuesday, July 20, 2010

RIP James

Dear James
I learned of your passing yesterday and if you’re listening I want you to know that I truly miss you. I want to apologize for not making more of an effort to stay in contact with you. I kept wondering why you haven't responded to my messages on facebook but I never made an effort to call you or even check your page or I'd have known more about what's going on.
I want to thank you for helping me find my voice on this blog when I first started it. Your creative criticism was always encouraging. Every time I make an entry I ask myself does this sound like me so thank you for helping me be heard even from behind a computer screen. One day hopefully I will tell people about our funny adventures all over NY State, and the circumstances of how we met.
Thank you for being such a bright light in my life when everything was going dark. Your friendship really brought joy and hope to my life and I won't forget that. Hopefully sharing your memory will give others a little bit of light in a darker world now that you’re gone.


Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I had a great conversation this morning with my aunt. We caught each other up on the commas and punctuations in our life since we last spoke. Sharing each others sadness and joy in a understanding way that only family can.
No advice unless solicited but just the "yes I hear what your saying" (in an Italian boogie down Bronx kinda style) that resonating hum that let's each other know we love each other and hear one another.

The same great recipe of family dialogue, a pinch of how this one is and a handful of do you remember so and so from the block with a helping of who is that and then we spice it up with the new stuff. Some good some bad and some bitter sweet and viola. It’s filling satisfying and leaves a lingering in your heart for a morsel more.
As we were making our way through the check list of ingredients (family members) the same 2 were discussed as always my mother and father and as its been for the past year of my life mom's flavor of crazy was left on the shelf and for almost 5 years dads zesty shenanigans are left to enjoy the Florida sun and penal system.

For a moment I forgot who I was, what happened to the kid from Carpenter Ave. that cried over anything? I had to ask my aunt where he went. I’ve gotten myself so trained that my knee jerk reaction to any probing about those two are to act like I barely recall them. As if they were just another one of the other random people from the block that I get confused with. Then I feel bad that I don’t remember who they are when they should be associated with fond memories.

Then my Aunt as only she can do said “I know you and you’re still that same person, he never went anywhere. You just learned how to deal with that sooner then anyone else.” She went on to say other stuff to make me feel better. It was just what I needed to hear to because as much as I’m the first one to figure out who is bad for me I’m the last to know when what I’m doing is right for me.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Dear Mom

Dear Mom

Thank you for violating my privacy by disclosing my HIV status to everyone in our family after I asked you not to. Thank you for giving my phone number to my father. It was wonderful talking to him on Sunday afternoon while he was intoxicated. It was even better when he called me Monday evening when he was high. Thank you for degrading my career choices. I appreciated the phone calls from random people with employment advice. I I apologize for the 5 years of my life where I let things get out control and I let my life go down the toilet. I appreciate you taking me in and trying to help me get my life together. Part of getting my life together has included ridding myself of the chemical physical and mental toxins in my life. Not having you in my life has removed a major stress factor in my life. Moving to NYC made my t-cells jump from 325 to 425, and in the 6 months that I've not been in contact with you they have increased to over 500. I have started a wonderful career in the private sector that i love and I am starting college this spring. I will also be celebrating my 2 year anniversary this March. I did relapse on cigarettes after I had to explain my health and HIV status with my Aunt.

You may think that your actions are always benevolent and you can stand by what ever defense you choose to explain them but it doesn't change the outcome or how they effect me or the people that you enlist. I'm sorry for all the things I've put you through and I'm sorry that I don't make choices you agree with but the only way to stop causing each other pain is to cut the cord and so I have. I'm not living my life to make anyone but myself happy and I'm not apologizing for it anymore. I don't have any need for the things you offer to me like house and money. The only conditions and terms I accept in my life are terms that require meeting my goals and making myself happy and healthy.

In making amends to myself I can no longer allow toxic people in my life and in making amends to you all I can do apologize for my past and say good bye. I have changed my phone number and I have filtered my email acct so that anything I receive from you is sent to a junk folder. If and when something happens that information needs to be sent to me I'm sure there is channel that you will find.

I love you and wish you find the sense of peace I have found in my life.

Your Son

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

“I am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t live without each other love.”

I was walking back to the office today from an errand when this scene from “Sex in the City” popped in my head, I couldn't help but wonder when was the last time I made an entry in my blog? I know my last few had been pretty whiny and angry and I didn't even post the ones that I had written a few months ago because I knew they were just coming from such a desperate lonely place. I was pretty miserable for a while but thankfully I snapped out of it. A dear friend called me the other night scolding me about how I needed to see how far I've come and why I got sober and he was right. Fortunately I had had some action recently and that really put me in a much better mood.

Yes I’m still holding out for Mr. Right even if my cynical side is expecting him to be arriving D.O.A. but I have to look at the bright side and my boss actually helped me see this. Maybe none of the guys I've met are the right one but at least I’m putting myself out there and at least I’m getting dates. Am I looking in the right places? I don’t know but I’m not leaving and stone un-turned. If he’s out there I’m going to find him and when I do he’s going to be happy. I can’t say that I’m not happy where my life is right now. I have job I enjoy, friends that I care about and I’m surrounded by wonderful people. I’m going back to school in the spring and I've lost 40lbs I’m skinny again and am looking pretty damn good. I am just missing one accessory and that’s ok.

Everything happens when it’s supposed to happen and I have faith that it will. So maybe I have to adjust my rules a little bit to avoid the ‘HALT’. I may not have found exactly what I’m looking for yet but the more I try the more I am sure of what I don’t want and that’s better that not knowing what you want. Like my Aunt said or quoted “You may not even remember where or when you first had it, but once you get a taste of it you’ll keep searching for it and you can’t give up until you do” So here’s to the relentless pursuit of LOVE where ever it maybe and to the joy of the hunt bring it on boys!

Thursday, November 12, 2009


So I think its time to crawl back under a rock with a three years supply of Ben & Jerry’s Chubby Hubby and eat it in 4 months. At least when I was still fat I could understand why getting a date was difficult but I’m 158lbs I have a 31.5 waist I’m hung like a donkey, I’m smart and I’m not ugly either and not just because my aunt says so.

I’ve made my profiles all of them adam4adam manhunt and every other site I’ve been on I’ve made it clear that I’m not looking for guys with boyfriends or guys that are just looking for sex so what do I get now? I get guys with boyfriends that are looking for friends and threesomes or still just guys with boyfriends that want to fuck. Or guys that chase after me for a week and then fall of the face of the earth. I’m done but I don’t know what direction to go in from this point. I feel like I’ve been holding on to this ideal in my mind that if I just keep holding out for the right guy for the right fit that sooner or later its gonna happen but it’s a lot fucking later. (This is not for comment from any of my recovery friends if you give me some bullshit life on life’s terms lines I will fucking slap you!) I’m seriously ready to just move pull another geographic and disappear and start over again.

I came home to NYC to get clean and you know what I’m clean the side effects of sobriety have been wonderful, I’m employed I’m busy I have a life etc etc etc but the only reason I got sober was because the big that was not working in my life was that I always felt alone. I sucked on a crystal pipe alone. I did everything alone only because I was a successful drug dealer people were always willing to hangout with me till I kicked them out. Now I’m sober almost 2 years and I just feel more alone. I don’t go to meetings for a week no one calls me to check on me, they tell other people to call me because I’m a reliable source of information on this or that but no one really misses me when I’m not around.

I’ve gained to much to give up on myself specifically to go back to using but I’m done with this life I’m living it’s not what I wanted and the beneficial side effects aren’t totally up to anything worth holding onto so I need to change something. So heads up people I’m going in a different direction and I’m not looking back.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Lonely In Translation

When I'm alone and can't seem to meet anyone interested in me my fears and insecurities of being alone forever rise to the surface. When someone tells me exactly what I want to hear my fears of being lied to and manipulated show their face. When I meet someone I'm interested in all I can do is judge myself about why I'm not worthy of them. These are the issues I work on the most. In gay language I don’t think we have a word for dating. You're either boyfriends, fuck buddies or a quicky/hookup, we don't even do one night stands the thought of waking up next to someone, well that just too intimate. So how do you approach someone you're interested in them without sounding desperate and or lonely or worse clingy?

I had a date last night and I want to give myself a pat on the back for not doing my normal B.I.C.S. (Bull in China Shop) routine of here's all my issues take it or leave it crap. I'm not going to get into all the details of why this guy stands out but I will say I had a wonderful time. But here's what's so fucking crazy I left the date with the typical addict mentality questioning everything. I keep playing the tape back in my head I should have played footsies with him I should have touched him I shouldn't have told that joke or that story blah blah blah blah blah but even if I did scare him off or freak him out which I don't think I did, kudos to me for catching myself every time I almost went down my normal pit falls. I mean shit I'm not saying this guy is the one but I like him so I don't really need to drop my life story on the 1st date. If my ultimate goal is a healthy relationship then I need to start behaving in healthy ways right? So maybe he had a good time with me and maybe he wants to see me again maybe he'll text me today, maybe this strange uncomfortable feeling is how normal healthy people behave. I don't know yet we'll just have to see.

The highlight of my evening was when my neighbor got home and told me what happened on his date. Not that I enjoy his misery or drama, however I do make note of his wrong turns to help me avoid the same mistakes. He took his boyfriend (the guy he met 2 weeks ago) to a concert and apparently the guy didn't like the music so he just walked out on him. Now first off my co-worker tried to get me to take my date to a show tonight but I wasn't gonna force my appreciation of theatre onto my date when I barely know him or his taste. Second I wanted to be able to converse to get to know him so dinner was a much better plan. Third I'm not going to stand for being walked out on at a venue so why risk that embarrassment with someone I just met.

So I have no idea where I'm heading with this stuff but I have feeling that since this felt so different from my usual actions that this was actually a really good step in the right direction. Whichever way that is and even if I did do something my date didn't like at least I can say that I can tell I'm getting better at the things I'm working on so we’ll see…

Friday, October 16, 2009

Quantum Relationships

I don’t know maybe I’m just looking for someone just like me? But if that’s the case I know I’m never going to find it because I know how unique I am not that I’m trying to sound egotistical here I just mean I don’t operate on the same levels as most of the gay men I meet. I guess being raised in a female house hold where a woman’s reputation was important and the fact that my sexuality was accepted from the beginning spared me some of the issues I see most guys suffer from. However it also kept me from accepting the promiscuousness of our culture. Unfortunately my wild crazy drug days exposed me to certain types of fun that the vanilla goodie two shoes boys aren’t into. So the guys that are looking for the serious relationships are never my type either.

I’m not afraid of putting sex on the shelf, I’ve done it before and I am considering doing it again. I’m sick of my recovery friends telling me how great I am and great I look and how I’ll meet someone when it’s right because it’s been right for a long time now. I mean yeah I’ve only been sober for 19 and a half months but I’ve been the same person my whole life. And yes I gained some weight when I got clean but now that I’ve lost it I’m suddenly more appealing and less annoying but the insides and the thought processes were still the same. I don’t mean to knock recovery but the only x factor I can find is the fact that my recovery has completely blocked any possibility to get in a relationship. I have said this for a long time the longer I stay sober the lower my tolerance levels get. I’m not saying I’m turning my back on recovery at all, I can look at the big picture here and you know what yes my life is easily a thousand times better but I have to be doing something wrong somewhere I just don’t know what it is. Am I too picky? You know what maybe so but yes I want someone closer to my age, that is thin preferably taller then me with a full head of hair that actually wants to spend the night in the south Bronx.

I have made a vow to myself that next year I’m stepping back from all my service commitments. I have taken too much on my plate this year. I know they have helped me stay clean but it’s true I see it making me resentful of recovery and that’s a slippery slope. I think finding balance is far more complicated then quantum physics.