So again, Pandora papercuts an old scar that had healed (so I thought) many years ago. Oh Gwen Stafani how you hit a nerve… “Don’t speak” came out during my junior or senior year of HS and I was in the grips of what would turn out to be the grips of my first love. His name was (past tense cause if he’s dead so be it the way he played games with my heart for 4 FOUR 4 mother fucking years) Anthony and we called him ‘Doink’. I met him the January of ’95 some 7 weeks before I turned 16. I knew at that moment I was gay. I knew he was the boy I wanted and I knew that whatever it was I saw in his eye he saw it too.
Never in the previous 15 years and 10 months of my socially awkward existence had the need to become part of the clique ever cross my mind until I met Doink. Not that I wasn’t becoming aware of the peer pressures to pick group but I just didn’t feel compelled to join any. I wasn’t a jock a nerd nor a drama club kid (although I wanted to do ‘drama’ HER-LOW). Doink was with the ‘metal head kids’ the we wanna live in Seattle cause in the early ‘90’s the rock scene migrated towards the “now know as alternative sound (history lesson boys) we wore the band t-shirts and we wore flannel and boots and all that stuff. I fit in well I lived this music STP spoke to me Nirvana told my story and NIN let all my anger at the world out. I pierced myself and died my hair and all the things that were expected of me. All in the name of a boy! Doink was dating a girl and so I waited.
Well I didn’t have to wait long in the name of grunge and alternative music and Courtney Love and Eddie Vedder we would play truth or dare and test each others sexuality and I loved it. I got to make out with Doink by the first blossoms of spring tht same year. That was all for a while but I was patient. Then I became his friend and his confidant (which sucks) I would be his shoulder to cry on everytime him and the GF would fight or breakup. But I have and always have had balls. I didn’t say it to his face but I wrote him a love note and confessed how I really felt. He said if he wasn’t with her he’d want to be with me. But every time she cheated or broke up with him etc he’d run back to her. Then I came up with a plan.
I knew the one other boy (and yes we were all boys not old enough to vote but old enough to know we had erections) that Doink truly despised had a thing for me. Well being the master manipulator I am I dated James just to make Doink jealous. Well it worked. Some 3 months into it Doink got me alone and (what he later confessed was his attempt to tell me he loved me and to leave James) we talked for a few hours and took a long walk and I kept trying to get it out of him but he couldn’t say it so I stay ed with James for 8 more months of HELL. I couldn’t stand James. He was vulgar smoked pot had no ambition and was just terribly co-dependant. After a total of 11 months I couldn’t take it anymore and I cut my losses. But James wasn’t exactly stable. And I knew that running into him on Pelham Parkway would just be dangerous. So I came up with a scheme.
I told everyone to tell him that I ran away and moved to Las Vegas to live with my real dad and then followed that rumor up with another that (since everyone knew my dad was an alcoholic) I had been killed in a car accident. I know I’m a sick and twisted bitch. Now I realize I got a little long winded here so I’m gonna continue this story tomorrow so stay tuned…