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Friday, May 22, 2009


In the rooms of recovery we are brainwashed with slogans. I especially enjoy the metaphors we use to describe the disease of addiction. i.e. “I have a built in forgetter” “I suffer from a disease of amnesia” “I suffer from the disease of mind reading.” Now the first two refer to the fact that addiction is a disease where you try to convince yourself you don’t have a disease. I for one was convinced that I wasn’t an addict rather someone that responded well to my drug of choice and simply adapted my lifestyle to better suit my habit. The ‘mind reading’ comment refers to issue that most addicts suffer from, we tend to believe that we know what others are thinking and use that to validate or excuses for using. I bring up the clairvoyance topic due to the fact that I believe in it. Not that I can tell exactly what’s on your mind or even put ideas in your head but I do that some people are empathic and can read signs from people close to them and for those that are very good at this even strangers. I believe I am an empathic person. I mention this because I think we are all empathic to an extent.

I think I have been sending out some of my own very confusing signals these last few days. (It could just be pheromones) Today is 62 days into my 90 day vow of celibacy. In the last week I’ve received to e-mails from my last boy friend in AZ which I haven’t heard from in over a year. This morning I was having a strange Instant Messenger conversation with ‘Officer Abercrombie’ my internet boyfriend (I’ll explain later) and ran into Doctor Josh today on the street on my way to acupuncture. I congratulated him on being married and he asked me to meet him in the bathroom. I should have agreed and stood him up but I just said “No thanx.” Oh and I had lunch with my ex Terence from Philly who hasn’t scene me since I was an active tweaker in ‘04. (Terence is the only reference point I have to a healthy relationship or anything close to it) We dated for just over a year from late Dec ’99 till the spring of ’01.

As much as we can read other people I think the difficult part is reading my own emotional radio station. I can always tell when my friends are upset or not comfortable. However when I am upset or sad or bothered I know I try very hard to hide it but my friends can always call me out on it. No matter how I try to control my posture or keep my shoulders relaxed and maintain my composure by not fidgeting or biting my lip a friend will always look right through my eyes down to my core and ask what’s wrong. I can deny it all I want but my face always gives me away they tell me. I think the same can be said for telecommunications. They use this sort of stuff in forensic sciences all the time. Writing analyses is especially common when they read emails and text messages. You can tell a lot from a person by the way they usually write a letter, the sentence structure they use, the vocabulary, and the grammar.

Ok so I need to explain ‘Officer Abercrombie’. He’s this 25 year old cop that lives by my last apartment in Manhattan. He’s super sweet and like all the guys I really like he’s completely unavailable. We have been chatting online having cyber sex phone sex shoot the breeze conversations you name it for about a year now. We have only met once. He’s adorable! I have no idea what to expect of him nor do I put any expectations on him. He’s the only guy that is really under my skin. Even after a year of him standing me up, just using me for internet sex etc I still make time for him. (here’s where I make excuses for him) He’s a cop he works nights and a crazy shifts. So I can’t stay too mad at him for falling asleep after protecting the peace for 12 hours. No matter what though, he always says hello to me when he sees me online. Granted it’s usually to have webcam sex or something like that. Needless to say when I took my celibacy vow he was the first one I blocked on ‘AIM’ before I could block him though I had a family emergency and he was a shoulder to cry on. I told him I was going to block him for a while to clear my head and he understood. 4 weeks later I decided to unblock him and wouldn’t you know it he I.M.’d me within an hour. Now he has drunk dialed me and done some stupid stuff but before his language was always sexual. Always making innuendo or flat out saying something to do with cock and ass. Recently this has changed. He started messaging me while he was car shopping and doing other random things. He always talks to me when he goes to see his family. Now we’re just talking like normal people lately. I saw a bunch of cops the other day so I told him I was thinking about him. (I can’t help it he’s a cute young cop so every time I see a young cop I think about him) I tell him this and that I worry about him and he tells me he loves that I think about him. I know I’m not waiting for him to stop what he’s doing and I’m not sitting around waiting for him to be ready but I am uber confused by him.

That’s why I’m saying these communications are paranormal. I asked him what’s on his mind because something is different and I can tell by how he’s typing. He starts to say something sweet and then he says “never mind” and “I think you’re a really cool dude & you’re hot… that’s all” Maybe I’m just reading way more in these messages then there really is. I know I have a tendency to do that. Look I’m not trying to turn our relationship into anything that its not. I’m not an alchemist. I just wish there was a sure fire way to interpret people.