Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Thank god I see a therapist once a week cause I think it’s the only thing keeping an assault and battery charge from happening. I don’t know why but for the past two days I’ve just been in a really shitty mood. I do feel better now as I write this but I can’t help but wonder why I’m feeling like smacking people with cheese graters. (WOW that was ‘Sex in the City’ with a sprinkle of ‘Cops’)
I mean nothing is going wrong in my life. I’m going back to school, I’m working, and I have wonderful friends and a pretty busy social life. My dance card is pretty darn full yet I feel like I keep forgetting something when I leave the house. Spectacles Testicales, Wallet Watch. Oh a boyfriend to call and decide where to meet. I know I really don’t have any time in my life for a certain special someone but I have space for them. I have full sized bed that I sleep all alone in. I have over fifty pairs of socks in my drawer. I know I just reorganized it today. (Can you say Secret Single Behavior) so it’s not like I couldn’t have someone spontaneously spend the night and not give them a fresh pair of foot wear. Or maybe I’m spending too much time living in my storage spaces to see who’s really out there.
Yes I did start an account on a new site and yes I even have a few dates scheduled but I’m what I really think I’m afraid of is that I’ve become comfortable in being alone. Yes getting hurt is a risk but I’m not sure I have the strength to climb over these walls I’ve built around my emotional insides. Plus they’re so high I get vertigo every time I try to get up there. And don’t give me that build a door bullshit. It took too fucking long to build my concrete igloo of resentment and fear and I was still coming down when it started going up so excuse me for being to cross eyed to read the blueprints. I mean I get it I do, I see how much I’ve grown in the past fifteen months I’ve been sober and how much I’ve learned about myself in the past three years that I’ve been single. But in three years I’ve only cuddled with three guys and I know I didn’t have sex with two of them and I know that the one I actually slept with went to the black party the next night, so all I was, was the kick off to his sex super bowl. So yeah that was a real ego booster.
I’m not looking for the perfect man or men or anything like that, just someone that can grab my attention and return it. I’ve even gotten better at my issue with being attracted to guys that are unavailable. I can weed them out much better then before. I don’t know what I want just yet but I know it’s cold when you sleep alone, and as much as I’m learning to love myself it would kill me to let someone else say “hey it’s bed time!” I’m not even saying that I don’t want to be single, I don’t want the live in boyfriend I don’t want to give up too much of my personal space but I need some motivation to clear out some of my baggage and learn to share my space. I’m willing to make some room if anyone out there is willing to climb a wall.