Friday, October 16, 2009
I don’t know maybe I’m just looking for someone just like me? But if that’s the case I know I’m never going to find it because I know how unique I am not that I’m trying to sound egotistical here I just mean I don’t operate on the same levels as most of the gay men I meet. I guess being raised in a female house hold where a woman’s reputation was important and the fact that my sexuality was accepted from the beginning spared me some of the issues I see most guys suffer from. However it also kept me from accepting the promiscuousness of our culture. Unfortunately my wild crazy drug days exposed me to certain types of fun that the vanilla goodie two shoes boys aren’t into. So the guys that are looking for the serious relationships are never my type either.
I’m not afraid of putting sex on the shelf, I’ve done it before and I am considering doing it again. I’m sick of my recovery friends telling me how great I am and great I look and how I’ll meet someone when it’s right because it’s been right for a long time now. I mean yeah I’ve only been sober for 19 and a half months but I’ve been the same person my whole life. And yes I gained some weight when I got clean but now that I’ve lost it I’m suddenly more appealing and less annoying but the insides and the thought processes were still the same. I don’t mean to knock recovery but the only x factor I can find is the fact that my recovery has completely blocked any possibility to get in a relationship. I have said this for a long time the longer I stay sober the lower my tolerance levels get. I’m not saying I’m turning my back on recovery at all, I can look at the big picture here and you know what yes my life is easily a thousand times better but I have to be doing something wrong somewhere I just don’t know what it is. Am I too picky? You know what maybe so but yes I want someone closer to my age, that is thin preferably taller then me with a full head of hair that actually wants to spend the night in the south Bronx.
I have made a vow to myself that next year I’m stepping back from all my service commitments. I have taken too much on my plate this year. I know they have helped me stay clean but it’s true I see it making me resentful of recovery and that’s a slippery slope. I think finding balance is far more complicated then quantum physics.
Monday, October 12, 2009
I don’t know who you are or what you look like or even what you do in your spare time, but clearly it is not spent with me. Maybe you got lost on your way and are stuck on the subway. Well I hope you can find your way back home because I am turning my lights of and going to bed.
Maybe you were waiting for me while I was lost in my world of unhealthy behavior. Maybe you walked past me on the street and didn’t know it was me or maybe you lost my number and have been looking franticly through your pockets but either way I think its best that we just move on. Maybe you’re still mad at me for all the dumb decisions I made in my life or are waiting for me to learn some sort of lesson from all the wrong guys I’ve dated. This passive aggressive behavior is not becoming of you.
If you do decide to attempt to contact me I will appreciate the phone call but at this time I have nothing to say to you. I wish you well in your endeavors and hope you can do the same for me. Clearly you need more time and space then I’m willing to give so GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!
Sunday, October 11, 2009
No I was never actually in an episode of cops but wouldn't that be fucked up if I was? Not shocking but unlikely. I look back at my life and the people I associated with like my ecstasy dealer in Ft. Myers that was on an episode of cops where he got arrested on Virginia beach cause he was drunk and acting a fool. Then there was my apartment in Ft. Myers that an episode of cops was filmed when they busted some hookers and a crack dealing pimp. Ah the good old days. How did my life lead me to these sketchy places and shady people? Oh yeah cause I'm an addict and I was digging deep for my bottom.
It's kind of funny how my life has made such a 180. I eventually started working for a criminal justice program where I had to pretend to be an upright citizen while still getting high. I figured as long as I stayed on the paying retail end of the drug world I'd manage. Did someone say unmanageability? I really did I convinced myself if I didn't go back to my drug slinging ways everything would be just fine. FYI it didn't. I still used like a dealer with an unlimited supply and had to go much further lengths to maintain it. I can truly say this was my bottom. Thank god I didn't end up on an episode of cops!
Thursday, October 8, 2009
In horse racing there is the Triple Crown race starting with the Kentucky derby, followed by the Preakness stakes in Baltimore and finished by the Belmont stakes here in NY. I feel like I have met a few studs that all have a great chance of winning a race for me but the odds of them being a Triple Crown or a third date are as good as Palin’s teenage parental daughter of being a nun. Maybe even a little higher then the challenged one's chances of going to MIT. But that could happen if Palin became president and forced all elite schools like MIT and Harvard to teach intelligent design she could probably get Kirk Cameron as her running mate but I digress.
I won't lie I did sort of give up for a while I resifted what I was focusing on in life and really spent some serious time concentrating on my recovery. Not that I didn't date or have sex I just didn't let it get in the way of focusing on meeting and other 12 step stuff first and foremost. Now that I feel like I have a decently stocked recovery tool box I've started some repairs in other areas of my life. Like loosing weight, I've lost over 20lbs and people are noticing and I like it. Also I'm not uncomfortable anymore by my attractiveness. Before being an addict that assumes to read peoples minds when I was thin in my past I just knew people were undressing me with there eyes and it made me feel sexualized and not good, bow I say fuck it if you like what you see tell me. I've even gone back to work fulltime in a new job and it’s been kicking my ass but in a good way I am actually tired and have a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day.
The last winner of the Triple Crown was 'affirmed' in '78 the year I was conceived. Hey if we've waited over 31 years for another triple crown I guess I can't complain about waiting over 30 years for finding my special someone.