Monday, September 28, 2009
I just figured I should let you all know that do some schedule changes I can no longer deliver an entry every Sunday night/Monday morning but I will still be trying my hardest to make an entry every week. Just so you know this addict has been dating alot and now even has sponsees and now a new job so my schedule is crazy but just imagine all the juicy stories I'll be telling you soon!
Thursday, September 24, 2009
He had it coming all along! If you had been there, if you had seen it how could you tell me that I was wrong!
Oh how I hate the thought of my 9th step amends. Like most addicts I have tons of war stories and sketchy shady things I’ve done but one thing that still haunts me is the night I stabbed my boyfriend. I’m sure some of you are saying “I can’t imagine you hurting a fly” and others are thinking: mental note never sit near Tommy again that bitch is crazy!
I don’t think I need to explain to you guys that when this happened I was tweaked off my ass. When I lived in Tucson things really started to unravel but like a good addict I said I could handle it and it was all under control. And like anyone who’s completed the first step knows I am powerless over others and outside things. Well when I’m tweaked I like to think I’m god and have control over the world and being the one who always had the stash I thought I could control and manipulate those around me.
So where do I begin this event? I was preparing to do something I was not supposed to be doing as per federal laws and my boyfriend was trying to get my attention. Now mind you he usually got involved in a project and ignored me so I felt like getting even with him so I choose to concentrate on package I was preparing. In my boyfriends manifestation of paranoia he always accused me of fucking the guys I was doing business with and stuff so as my “client” kept calling me to find out when he could expect his delivery my boyfriend started to get restless and irritated and this fell into my plan perfectly. My goal was to teach him a lesson. I figured once he got to the breaking point I would say “HA see how it feels? This is what you do to me every time we get high! I just want to make love to you and you just want to go wash the car!” I doubt my tweaked brain could form these words anyway let alone a sentence. Some how I stopped doing what I was doing and started concentrating on the boyfriend but I think by this point it was too late he was done with me. We began to argue and push each other and shove. He threatened to call the cops and I flipped. How dare he call the cops on me with the cell phone that I pay for? On the phone that I just bought him, the phone that I still owe t-mobile about $350 dollars for. (Don’t get in on me on financial amends people I’ve already paid back about $5000 dollars and that was just in my first 16 months of struggling to get clean and failing) T-mobile will get there money soon enough. Now where was I? Oh yeah I’m livid that he’s threatening to call the cops and report me on “MY PHONE” that I got him as a gift. So I threaten to call T-mobile to get the line cut off. He goes to make a call and I call t-mobile when in my paranoia think he’s really calling the cops and we start trying to fight the phones out of each others arms.
Then he throws my water pipe on the floor getting glass and perfectly good tina water (I liked to save it for you know what guys, I’m not gonna explain that here my aunt reads this) everywhere. Now here’s another little aside, I have this little hobby of making structures from toothpicks that I learned in architecture class in HS. Because I was working on it earlier that night and because I was doing something with a box that I needed a box cutter I left it on the desk. When my ex and I started arguing and pushing one another I decided to put it in my pocket. I figured incase it got out of control I could scare him off. Well after the shoving match over the phones my brilliant tweaker thinking said pull out the box cutter and chases him out the apartment. I really had no intention of actually hurting him I did and still do love him. Well as I swung the box cutter in the air I must have really scared the living shit out him because he already had his keys in his hand and it so happens that he kept pepper spray on his chain and he sprayed me.
“Have you ever got cum in your eye Gabriel? It BURNS!” Well have you ever been pepper sprayed? It burns WAY MORE! Now between the mixture of smoking a ton of crystal and being up for a while and being in a very evil mood I snapped. I reacted and screamed and started slashing the air. He was already running for the door. There was one moment where I knew I could have swung and sliced him open but I pretended that I was completely blind and slashed the other way to give him a chance to get away from me and I was thinking he’s stop and say “sorry” and help me wash my eyes out. Well he kept going for the door and while running up behind him I closed the box cutter so that just the smallest amount of the blade was protruding so that if I did catch him he would just get a scratch. (I was being thoughtful even after being pepper sprayed I told myself like pulling a blade on my boyfriend is normal not that I didn’t learn this from watching my mother) I should also explain that by NYC standards my apartment was huge a good 650-700 square feet and not NYC square feet but that was the actual size of the apartment so it was a good distance from the kitchen through the dining room into the living room where the from door was. Well he got caught at the door trying to unlock it and I half blind caught the back of his thigh as he tried to kick me away in defense. He got away and I figured I just scratched him. He’d go drive around and come back and everything would go back to normal. We’d keep getting high. I run to the bathroom to wash the spray out of my eyes so that I could hide the obscene about of crystal I had in my apartment just in case the cops showed up.
I look back at this and I’m really disgusted with myself. I wasn’t worried about him or that I stabbed him or that I was just pepper sprayed. My soul concern was to hide my drugs so that I didn’t go to prison and so that if I did get arrested for assault I’d be able to go home and get high again. So I hid the drugs in a pretty good spot cause when the cops showed up they were there for about 2 hours and never found the stash. They found the broken pipe and the box cutter with his blood on it. I tried to lie and tell the cops that he got cut when I threw the broken pipe at him after he freaked out and threw it on the floor. The cops sat with me and opened the windows to help air out my apartment. The cops in Tucson are used to arriving at tweaker incidents’ so they didn’t seem shocked. I assume that my boyfriend informed them that I was a drug dealer and that I was trafficking large quantities of crystal in various ways because they really ransacked my apartment. I hadn’t gotten my living room furniture yet so they really only tore up my bedroom kitchen and bathroom (and no I’m not telling you where I hid the stuff but it will be in the book so if you know a publisher get me a book deal and we’ll talk) and I thought it was hysterical when they pulled the little zip-loc baggie of catnip out and asked me what it was. I explained that it was for my cat Pete. They weren’t buying it but I told them to smell it and look at the cat react to it. When they started to search my apartment I realized or was just paranoid enough about the whole situation that I decided to pull one of my Jedi mind tricks (cause I know how to manipulate very well). I said to the cop that my boyfriend probably told you I was a drug dealer cause before he flipped out he started saying crazy stuff like that and he started accusing me of being some big dealer from NYC. (IMAGINE THAT) The cops asked who’s stuff were we smoking so of course I played little mister innocent and said it was only the 3rd time I’d ever done it and that my boyfriend introduced me to it. I told them that I was a good kid from NYC. Well they bought some of the horse shit I was feeding but not all of it. They found the box cutter and just like a CSI episode they sprayed it and there it was 3 little speckles of blood proving that I cut him with the box cutter. On went the cuffs…
I admitted that I threw the box cutter at him but it was after he broke the pipe and started screaming at me. Now mind you I might have also said something like I broke the pipe because I didn’t like this stuff and how it was making us act so that I could make myself look like the martyr. Either way my ass was in Tucson’s version of central booking. It was this big room I had to have a cavity search. I literally had to spread my ass cheeks so that the guard could see right up my ass. They didn’t stick any fingers up me but I saw them or rather heard them do it someone else that came in behind me. All I could think of was am I gonna crash while I was in jail. The system is different in Tucson I thought I wasn’t gonna get out till Monday morning since I got arrested on a Friday night but they released me about 12 hours later. So the next morning after getting my court date I made my way back home and all I could hope for was that the cops didn’t find my stash. Now here’s the slick thing. There are no pay phones near the jail. I walked about 2 miles to the corner store where I called a cab and went home so that I could get high and that’s what I did. By the time I got home my apartment had aired out and the pepper spray had finally worn off and I could breath. So I breathed in a bunch of hits and did that the rest of the weekend. I was sentenced to anger management that I never went to and one more amends I still have to pay the Tucson court fees. None of this stopped me from using, in fact me and the boyfriend got back together that same week. We went right back to our same old routine. Things continued to get worse but I’ll talk about that later.
What’s so funny to me not ha ha funny but karma funny is that even with this was not a big enough bottom for me to get clean. In fact 2 years later still using after I moved back to NY and health complications I developed a ingrown hair that got infected in my thigh that has left a scar that looks just like the one I gave my ex. It’s just on the front of my thigh. I wasn’t high when I got my scar. I was sober 2 months at the time and felt the incision that the doctor made. The addict in me wants to say my scar is bigger and hurt more since I wasn’t high when they cut me open but the reality is I had it coming!
Monday, September 21, 2009
They keep crawling out the wood the work! Yesterday I went to a night out at the park, gay day at 6 Flags. Now I was stressed to the max after helping to organize a bus for 48 people but with a lot of help from great people we pulled it off and had a blast!
As I walked past the fountain behind the main entrance the gayest of gay entertainment began, CHEERLEADERS! My first thought whenever I see “Bring it On” or Cheer squads on ESPN2 is of my dear friend John from when I lived in Ft Myers Florida. We are both native NYer’s who somehow migrated to the sunshine state. When we first met we were instant friends. He was one of the last friends I made before I turned to the dark side. We were young with the whole world ahead of us and I had no idea of the bitch slaps life was going to swing at me. I would drive down to Naples Florida where John coached a high school squad and he would always try to teach me gymnastics and how to flip and jump from the trampoline and I just never had the co-ordination for it. Somehow I always landed wrong and hurt myself so I gave up on it rather quickly. I did enjoy the bouncing though. As I approached the squad by the fountain I noticed the one standing directly in front of me was none other then my dear friend John. It has been over 7 years since I’ve seen him and I am so happy to run into someone from the good ole days.
It was around the time I met John that things started to unravel in my life. Not that he had anything to do with it, just bad timing. It was around this time that my step-father perished in 9/11 and then my grandmother died and many other disasters like my real father giving me a hit of acid and telling me to live a little. So pretty much most of that time is a big blur to me do to all the drinking and drugging that followed. I can remember faces and names and events but big chunks are missing. Before the crystal took over my life there was ecstasy and before and during that there was vicadin weed vodka & tequila. Now John was not one of the bad influences that contributed to me decent, in fact he was one of the anchors holding to the good side. He never engaged in the drugs and never had more then two cocktails while we were out. He was a constant reminder of the “goodie two shoes” that I used to be but he was always fun and funny and great to be around. Plus all he hung out with was hot diesel little gymnast cheerleader boys what more could a boy ask for.
I can’t wait to spend some time with him catching up and reminiscing about the past. I have found a few of my old Florida friends on myspace and facebook but they all live far away like Florida or in some cases Michigan. Its great to keep up with them from the computer monitor but its not like we can go to the beach together or take a road trip down alligator alley or memory lane via the World Wide Web. I can tell you John and I had some great adventures like the time I pulled over on Alligator Alley US 41 and was standing 6 feet away from an 8’ alligator, or the time his car broke down and we walked the railroad tracks back to my house when two black racers (a local non venomous snake in south west Florida) took off from the under the tracks and into the woods. Now I don’t like snakes especially after my roommate’s Boa bit me, but I’m not scared of them. What was so funny about this event is that John is about 6’2” and built like a football player, I’m 5’10” and at the time maybe 145lbs wet. Also John was dressed and still does dress pretty butch, back then and on this day I was dressed in a white cut off tank top with “material girl” in red glitter and red cargo pants. So when the snakes sped off I thought it was hilarious that John leaped into my arms like a scared little girl. (Sorry John I had to tell that story it’s my fondest memory of you) We made it to my house and car without a scratch back then we were so resilient I thought I was invincible. Oh how the years have taken their toll.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Sorry to keep you all waiting for this entry but I’ve really just been caught up with dealing with life on life’s terms. I doubt I would have been able to get through what has happened over the course of the last two weeks if hadn’t been for all the love and support of the wonderful people in my life.
Things started to hit the fan Wed September 2nd when I received a phone call from my mother urging me to become a civil servant. I told her I appreciated the job posting she forwarded to me and that I would look at them. I also told her that I would appreciate if she would actually take my education and career goals in mind when she was deciding what I should be doing. I agree with her whole heartedly that a job with a pension is a logical safe step. I explained to her that my heart is in the non-profit world and that I’d be happy to work for a city agency that had a mission statement that was near and dear to my heart.
My mother then proceeded to contact an old family friend to recruit into her game. I get an email from this family friend telling me I should really get a job with the city. I know my mothers handy work. I’ve been playing this chess game called my life with her for 30 years. I bluntly told this person that I’d appreciate it if he stood out of my career goals and ambitions and to not relay messages from my mother to me or that I would simply cut him out of my life. He understood and apologized not realizing that he was getting sucked into the mellow drama between mother and I.
Out of desperation my mother contacted an estranged relative to relay the same message. This relative is very close with me and not my mother for many justifiable reasons that I won’t get into right now. Up until that Friday I was the only blood relative speaking to my mother. Not that I’m close or fond of my mother but out of pity. Our mutual relative replied back asking why they should bother to repeat the message when my mother had made a very vulgar comment publicly about them. Then in a last ditch effort to gather support in her personal goals for my future my mother revealed to this relative very sensitive information about me that I had been keeping private. My mother was only privy to this info out of necessity not out of confidence in a trusted love one.
Needless to say I was outraged and upset about this relative finding this out from my mother. It was not her secret to tell and in no way was this, the scenario that I had planned. I had made it very clear that it was not information to be shared with anyone else. I feel violated by this and countless other events and have decided that for my own sanity and mental health that my mother is no longer a part of my life. I know I don’t have the ability to read minds, however I do know that my mother did this out of spite and as an attempt to manipulate someone to take her side. I can say that the silver lining is that it only has brought me closer to the person she gossiped to.
At this moment in time my mother no longer exists to me. I do not have the energy to keep defending the onslaught against every boundary or line in the sand I draw. In order to take care of me I need to keep surrounding myself with the good people in my life and I have plenty. I will not tolerate people in my life threatening my recovery. There are roles in life such as motherhood that we preconceive to be safe and loving, so why do I have to look to other relatives, friends and even strangers for this type of support? I’m not going to trash my mother here. She is a sick person that loves me the best she can. I just can’t accept toxic love anymore; my standards have become too high. I will be treated with love and respect by people in my life not be manipulated and controlled.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Hey my peeps I've got a lot brewing and gonna be pounding the keyboard soon so stay tuned! I promise to make a few entries this week but at least one this weekend so you guys can start your Monday to a juicy piece of drama from my life to make your week exciting!
LOVE YOU ALL AND THANKS FOR ALL THE SUPPORT!
LOVE YOU ALL AND THANKS FOR ALL THE SUPPORT!
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Hey everyone! Please don't think I'm abandoning my blog I'm just trying to process a lot of things that have happened recently and at this moment they are a little to hard to talk about. I'm working things out and keep trying to pound my thoughts into the keyboard but nothing really makes sense right now. I guess my drama is causing writers block at the moment.