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Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Don't Speak I know what you're saying is BULLSHIT part 3


WOW this is taking way longer to get this story out then expected but its worth it to me. I've buried these feeling deep down inside for many years and I feel lighter getting them off my chest.

We last left off I had just turned down 'Little Steve' who wasn't that little we just had more then 1 Steve in the group.
Steve and I rode the elevator down from my mother's apartment on 28ths street and 2nd avenue and I escorted him back to the train so he could return to the Bronx. It was still fall but if my memory serves me it was warm perhaps and Indian summer. as we walked westward towards Park Avenue we noticed a Pimp in a lime green suit with matching shoes and fedora. We both thought it was funny. I can even tell you that Steve even kissed me good bye as he got on the train and his tenacity blew me away. Now he had become a good kisser after all I should know I taught him how to kiss. He used to do the 'fuck your lips with his tongue thing' but I remember wacking him in the head saying "what the fuck are you doing? follow my tongue!" and then kissing him again slowly getting him to enjoy the tactile contact sensation we get when we make out. I still remember how 'Little Steve' smelled to this day I smell ivory soap and I think about that cute boy that asked me to be his boyfriend over a dozen years ago.

Another reason I remember that night so well is because of the hooker that worked the block for the pimp propositioned me as I passed her walking back to 2nd Avenue. As I approached Lexington Avenue I noticed the strong odor of urine fill my nostrils hitting my soft palette causing me to gag a little. As I proceeded this body stood up from squatting between 2 cars and pulled up her lime green spandex and saying "You need some company baby?" as she then adjusted her wig with clearly not washed hands. "No thanx just had some company" I replied as I almost vomited in my denim jacket that I pulled around me a little closer as the first cold winter chills started to give the wind a little bite. So 'Little Steve' has a very bitter sweet spot in my heart and always will.

But this isn't about Steve and besides there are a few more Steves' to write about later. Winter came and so did Valentines Day. I was alone. checking my clear yellow motorola beeper daily always hoping that Doink would send me a sorry beep i forget what the numberic code is but you all recall those beepers and the 83202 upside is besos kisses in spanish duh god you people are so white that read this lol. Anyway I waited and waited and waited and got a job at an Ice Cream store down the block from my moms. Sharon Dianna and I spent V D evening together. I made Bustello and and mini bunt cakes and my mothers apartment was full of love and the aroma of powdered sugar and coffee. Now Sharon Dianna and myself are all Pisces and we are connected Sharon read in her annual astrology guide "whomever you spend this valentines day with will become a close and dear friend for many years to come. Well Sharon and Dianna knew one another but that night of love and romance a bond was formed over spanish coffee and the three of us have been tightly linked still to this day.
Gosh I keep getting sidetracked anyway spring came and so did summer and guess who popped back up? Now I have described how Steve kissed but I think I need to explain to you guys that Doink was the first boy I ever kissed. Every kiss by every male there after is held against a kiss from Doink. His lips were so soft and his kiss was so gentle that just thinking about one now over a decade later fills my heart with helium and my stomach with a brick. How many of you have ever taken Ecstasy? That universal love sensation you feel for everyone that's the only way I can describe my feeling for Anthony (Doink). He helped me and my grandmother Nana move to Throggs Neck in an apartment around the corner from Sharon. And again we kissed and he asked me to be his boyfriend and I said yes of course but he disappeared again.
I started College got my first car and continued to work do all sorts of things. I even went to LA on vacation that summer with mom as a graduation gift. We drove all around LA constantly getting lost and sun burned. But I was accustomed to the burning sensation in my chest at this point. Fall came and again I started thinking of Doink and reminiscing and getting sad so again I wrote him a letter. This time telling him how hurt I was and mad that he had done this to me again and that I'm a human being that has feeling. Time heals all wounds but my chest is tight as I type this and I can remember crying as I wrote that letter feeling heart broken and rejected just trying to understand whats wrong with me. (I know I write to many fucking letters) I gave him his letter in his birthday card and you know what he does. He calls me up and apologizes for everything saying he keeps freaking out. FREAKING OUT now his mom loves me my Nana loves him we're both always welcome at each others homes and our parents are aware of whats happening between us and never air a voice of disapproval to either one of us. So I take him back again...

Monday, April 27, 2009

Don't speak I know what you're saying is BULLSHIT Part 2


So sorry to leave you all hanging for so many days I've been very busy! I attended a retreat over the weekend and had an amazing experience I wrote about it stay tuned for the post titled "Suite Resentment" Also my up and coming entries are gonna be a little behind schedule I'm using my old laptop due to my monitor blowing out on my desktop I normally use.

Now where did I leave off? Oh yes I faked running away to Las Vegas and then started a rumor that I had been killed in a drunk driving car accident. Now I know how horrible that sounds and all but before you judge me please take into consideration that in this relationship I had been burned with cigarettes and bitten in a fairly sensitive spot and still have some discolorations to prove it.

Ok So I'm free from crazy James and looking to start my life over again. I'm 17 single and had just made some new friends from Lehman High School that attended my HS for summer sessions. One friend that to this day is my soul sibling Dianna was informing me of this boy she was kinda dating and that she thought we knew each other. It was Doink. Well through the grape vine Doink found out that I wasn't dead nor in Las Vegas and he showed up at my house one day completely unexpected. He invited me to go down to the village with him and a friend. Now I just had to see Anthony and every single gut wrenching emotion broke loose from the crevices I had hid them in. So of course I said I'd love to go with him. There was no mention of this being anything more then us hanging out but i knew something was up.

So I meet Doink at his friends house who's an older gay gentlemen not the type that was molesting the teenage gay boys but more the type that just saw the gene in us and provided a safe haven in a somewhat homophobic neighborhood. Or at least that's what my 17 year old naive mind would like to believe. Anyway Doink and I are waiting for his friend that he called Uncle Joe or something to finish shaving and getting ready. Now here's where things get a little interesting.

I remember that Doink was taking every opportunity to inch closer to me and touch me and so I called him on it. I said "Are you trying to flirt with me?" "Yes! he replied. "Well if you're gonna keep flirting with me you might as well kiss me!" or something to that extent and well he did. So he said "I was hoping to consider this a date" And i told him that my feeling hadn't changed for him. We had a great time wondering the west village I bought a few rings and he a chain or something and I might have given one to Doink as a gift. His uncle Joe stated that he almost sliced his throat when he heard Doink say yes to flirting with me. We had a good time and returned to the Bronx. Doink walked me home.

I asked Doink "So what does this mean?" when we got to my house. He said he wanted to try and see if we could date. Now I was scared that in the 11 months of being with James that some of his reputation of being a skank may have rubbed off on me. And I was really afraid of inviting Doink in and doing the things with him that I had always wished I had done with him first. So we just kissed and then would be one of the last times we saw each other that summer until we went to the Halloween parade together with some mutual friends. Of course I had another letter waiting for him talking about how hurt I was and he apologized saying he got scared and to give him another chance. So of course I did.

Another winter went by and I never heard from him. In that time a friend we called little Steve asked me out and fearing damaging my chances with Doink I said no (after we had hooked up) stating that my heart really belonged to Anthony (Doink) and If I wasn't still in love I'd be happy to date him. (I still regret that answer that evening). Again I think I've babbled to long on this you'll all have to wait for part 3 to read how it ends...

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Don’t Speak I know what you’re saying” Is BULLSHIT

So again, Pandora papercuts an old scar that had healed (so I thought) many years ago. Oh Gwen Stafani how you hit a nerve… “Don’t speak” came out during my junior or senior year of HS and I was in the grips of what would turn out to be the grips of my first love. His name was (past tense cause if he’s dead so be it the way he played games with my heart for 4 FOUR 4 mother fucking years) Anthony and we called him ‘Doink’. I met him the January of ’95 some 7 weeks before I turned 16. I knew at that moment I was gay. I knew he was the boy I wanted and I knew that whatever it was I saw in his eye he saw it too.

Never in the previous 15 years and 10 months of my socially awkward existence had the need to become part of the clique ever cross my mind until I met Doink. Not that I wasn’t becoming aware of the peer pressures to pick group but I just didn’t feel compelled to join any. I wasn’t a jock a nerd nor a drama club kid (although I wanted to do ‘drama’ HER-LOW). Doink was with the ‘metal head kids’ the we wanna live in Seattle cause in the early ‘90’s the rock scene migrated towards the “now know as alternative sound (history lesson boys) we wore the band t-shirts and we wore flannel and boots and all that stuff. I fit in well I lived this music STP spoke to me Nirvana told my story and NIN let all my anger at the world out. I pierced myself and died my hair and all the things that were expected of me. All in the name of a boy! Doink was dating a girl and so I waited.

Well I didn’t have to wait long in the name of grunge and alternative music and Courtney Love and Eddie Vedder we would play truth or dare and test each others sexuality and I loved it. I got to make out with Doink by the first blossoms of spring tht same year. That was all for a while but I was patient. Then I became his friend and his confidant (which sucks) I would be his shoulder to cry on everytime him and the GF would fight or breakup. But I have and always have had balls. I didn’t say it to his face but I wrote him a love note and confessed how I really felt. He said if he wasn’t with her he’d want to be with me. But every time she cheated or broke up with him etc he’d run back to her. Then I came up with a plan.

I knew the one other boy (and yes we were all boys not old enough to vote but old enough to know we had erections) that Doink truly despised had a thing for me. Well being the master manipulator I am I dated James just to make Doink jealous. Well it worked. Some 3 months into it Doink got me alone and (what he later confessed was his attempt to tell me he loved me and to leave James) we talked for a few hours and took a long walk and I kept trying to get it out of him but he couldn’t say it so I stay ed with James for 8 more months of HELL. I couldn’t stand James. He was vulgar smoked pot had no ambition and was just terribly co-dependant. After a total of 11 months I couldn’t take it anymore and I cut my losses. But James wasn’t exactly stable. And I knew that running into him on Pelham Parkway would just be dangerous. So I came up with a scheme.

I told everyone to tell him that I ran away and moved to Las Vegas to live with my real dad and then followed that rumor up with another that (since everyone knew my dad was an alcoholic) I had been killed in a car accident. I know I’m a sick and twisted bitch. Now I realize I got a little long winded here so I’m gonna continue this story tomorrow so stay tuned…


Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Cafe Con frenemy

I sat down to start this afternoon's entry and realized I was at a loss for words. Aggravated by this I wondered am I done already 2 days and 4 blogs later had I tapped all my creative juices dry? Then I look my final sip from my coffee mug understood my dilemma. And by now you're all wondering why (if you don't know already) I call myself an addict. I am a stimulant addict and we'll delve into that pool another time but that should be suffice for now. My first cup of coffee today did nothing to wake or stir me and this is disappointing. If you've ever had the please of one of my cups of coffee you know I make it HIGH OCTANE / CRACKTACULAR and I usually never have more then 1 cup. I must not have measured out the scoops today cause I needed a second cup. And wow I'm even a cunt to myself when I don't have enough psycho-stimulant chemicals flowing through my brain. Now I'm sure some of you are saying caffeine is bad for you. Ya well so is crystal meth-amphetamine and you don't see me disengaging the mechanism over here so count your blessing(FORESHADOW ALERT).

Ok now that I've vented my frustration on consciousness off my chest I can return to bitching moaning and whining about men. Lets talk about facebook and how amazing it is that you can use it as a tool to screen anyone you're interested in just by reading there profiles and affiliations and screen the associates they are in contact with. Does there mother constantly comment on their profile updates and chime in on everything they do. Does someone make innuendo regularly to them or are they always being tagged in bar photos that put them in compromising positions? Or worse the idiots that do wall posts instead of private messages (gotta love those) "great running into you at the clinic hope everything clears up!". Now it really is a great way to stay in touch and find friends that may have slipped through the "lets stay in touch" cracks. I recently downloaded the latest facebook for my phone which managed to scan my phone #'s and find people in my cell phone that were on facebook! Sounds great right? I was tempted to select all 47 people but my gut told me to scroll down the list. I was very happy to find a friend that I had been meaning to call for forever to thank for some practical advice he gave me. He said something to the point of relearning how to date and have relationships and to treat myself like a HS girl and start from scratch. Something like that and yes glad I have taken his advice and taken baby steps back into the world of gay relationships. So needless to say I was happy to check him off and anxiously await a friend request approval and I'm happy to say this morning he accepted and we have started catching up.

Now on to the slippery slope of technology. Along with a few other good friends that I had no idea were on FB there were a few people still in my blackberry (that I save in order to properly screen calls) that I wasn't sure who they were. some were some rather attractive men so I had to really carefully go through them. Is this a hookup I'd like to repeat? Is this a Log Cabin Republican I'm trying to avoid? (BTW we'll be discussing Log Cabin Rep at another time) Is this someone that has hooked up with me then my neighbor? You get my point you how many people on our friends list are really our friends how many people on these lists are we really just frenemies?

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

crazy eyes

Ok back to guys with the crazy eyes! Why is it that the worst relationships correspond with the biggest hits? I just added Mary J Blige to my Pandora station list and the first song for her was “be without you” the song my ex dedicated and would serenade to me that would always melt the angry ice that would frost my emotions towards him and just make me melt. Not that he sang it well but that he “want to be with me got to be with me need to be with me” and yet nothing ever changed he would still lie cheat steal etc but I was a sucker for that 6’2 blonde German man and all that Arian blood running through him not to mention what he was packing (yes I’m a size queen sorry Gillette said it best “don’t want no izty bitzy teenie Winnie short dick man”). Again I think this is a key point to the crazy eyes and what they are attached to. I mean think about it crazy men and women that aren’t that symmetrical or not height weight proportionate we just throw them in institutions cause we know they’re crazy and just don’t accept the eye soar and insanity. But put the same crazy eyes on someone with a nice body and various other virtuous attributes or appendages and we just accept their behavior and let them do what they want hell we help them support them promote them. I think about the crap I accepted as par for course with Rich and had he been 2 inches shorter vertically or horizontally I’d have kicked his ass to the curb with the quickness. But I digress I promised a tale of a hot Brazilian nurse with a hot tail. Well this nurse caught me off guard for starters. He didn’t look anything like his pic (yes a manhunt connection but a real date) he was taller then expected had a sexy goatee and just a pinch of grey in the sideburns which I LOVE oh & an accent ummmmm need I say more. But besides looking better in person then the pics not that they were disappointing pictures (I wouldn’t have agreed to the date if they were I’m picky) but you all know what its like when they only have 2 or 3 pics you question if they’re old or photoshop’d or the best 3 pics out of 1000 but the curve ball was that he was a parent. Now once upon a time when I was very co-dependant I refused to get involved with guys that had kids or even were just freshly discovering their gayness. I would always say “no one puts me on the back burner, I don’t simmer I need to be watched and stirred regularly” but now I think about how busy my life is and most importantly that I have a little brother that’s only going on 10 and I factor in if a person is someone I’d be willing to introduce to family. So him being a parent and being involved in his child’s life shows that he’s a stand up kinda guy to me. Well my Latino Nurse was very busy with his career and on more then one date he got called into work not a big deal watching him get paged and be upset and take off to work made me like him more but here’s the fly in the ointment. He had just gotten out of a relationship and was totally in rebound mode. You know you tell the guy you’re rebounding with all the stuff to convince yourself your doing the right thing “he was so mean and abusive and treated me like a doormat” so the person listening thinks wow you were really dating an asshole you tell them “I’m so sorry you ever put up with that blah blah blah…“ And you think you stand a chance then they call you and say they’re confused and at the ex’s apartment picking up personal belongings and not sure what to do and you think WTF, so you well, I assume they must have been with a crazy eyed person so just cut my losses with that one we did have one more date but I knew who he was going back to or I assume…

Oh Big Dong Cum On Me, Umm, I mean Obi One Conobi

You're my only hope. I know you're saying WTF? but wouldn't that be a funny old daddy porn star name if you loved sci/fi like I do. So yes I love Classic Star Wars and Star Trek in all conceptions (can't wait for the new Movie I think i just jizzed a little) but maybe this is why I'm single there aren't many young attractive gay sci/fi buffs that have a twisted edgy sense of humor like me. Now there are some that fall into all the varying categories but I think I'm the only one that has congealed like I have. Don't get me wrong I can converse with any broadway show tune diva with a buttplug microphone and it's not like I go to the conventions dressed as my favorite character (cause if I did the gay gene would kick on and I'd be fierce betch) but where are the cute geeky edgy smart ass guys that are single. Do they get hearded off somewhere? Come out come out were ever you are, geeking out. I see all this chelsea guys that wear the non perscription glasses cause some how dork and geek is the new fashion but its SO MOTHER FUCKING transparant. Whatever guilt complex you're making amends for like um teasing my real fellow 4 eyes friends wearing clear non perscription eye wear is kinda STUPID. Except you Alan O, I got your back betch! but the rest of you NO NO NO I wear glasses and I hate it. I try to wear my contacts as much as possible but I like to keep my eyes health and so I alternate. But none of my eye wear is clumpy cunky plastic that looks like it was stolen from the set of revenge of the Nerds. No I wear metal frameless Dolce & Gabbana's or fierce perscription polarized Prada so I know my fellow gay geeks and dorks the real ones (Alan you fit here cause of UBER inteligent political Satire and you should start your own blog) I repeat come out come out where ever you are! And if some Trendy anti-trendy oh so trendy chelesea boy is moving in on your mark smack'em push'em infront of a cab let them really know what it feels like to be under the bus! Not that we should be hurting each other I think we should be loving one another. But I do believe in taking words back like "Gay Bashing" lets take the word back people go punch a straight person "WHACK" and say you just got gay bashed!

What's so good about a grey rainy Tuesday

Now I know it's almost 1pm but I was up late taking care of business (not like that get your mind out of the gutter, besides celibate remember) with some bi-coastal things I like to do. I recently evicted my to feline companions from my bedroom due to my allergies but I woke up this morning having a hard time breathing so needed to use some asthma medication (yes as prescribed) so I went back to bed. Maybe its just the ghosts of BF's past strangling me for starting this blog but I doubt it. They're all still alive and I haven't even began the rewind in time back to when I actually had a relationship. I've been single for 3 years now come July. I guess I should have mentioned that B4. Now it's not like I grew a hump and was disfigured from a wild animal attack. No I'm still easy on the eyes. It's just that after the insanity of the 2 previous relationships both lasting about 2 years I realized that men have crazy eyes too. And a washboard stomach is not necessarily god's gift to me but they ussually go hand in hand with the crazy eyes. Thats right I said it what? The more attacted I am to you the higher probability that you're as crazy if not crazier then me. Now I'm not saying I'd say no to crazy infact I just maybe waiting for you. So if that's you who keeps calling and hanging up just say hello. I'll talk more tonight about crazy guys that I met last summer in paticular the sexy Brazilian Nurse. HELLO NURSE!

Minutes to Midnight on 4/20/09

So not where to start other then how today went. It's been raining all day and I've stayed home enjoying a fantastic book "Foundation and Earth" by Isaac Asimov. I've spent the last month reading the entire series. I read "The Fountainhead" by Ayn Rand and that was a painful experience.
Now for something completely off topic. I have decided to take a brake from the dating world for a little while. In 6 months I haven't met anyone worth writing home to but I sure have some good stories to share with you.
Last summer I decided I was ready to start dating again & that maybe meeting people in public (not bathhouse public) would suit me better then the Internet. I had noticed that guys were flirting with me so with the coaxing and guidance of a friend in regards to eye contact and making a move "cause you will probably never see that man again esp if you walk away not giving any sign of interest" I met Doctor Josh. Now realizing that I wanted something more then instant gratification or instant relationship I approached this trepedatiously also I hadn't met anyone like this in a long time. So after 2 weeks of running into each other walking in the same direction from the train every morning I stopped him and with trembling hands I saved his # into my phone. We began the courtship dance and he put his cards on the table about his BF. I being little miss prude said we could just be friends but he had other intentions. We continued to run into each other regularly and during texts and phone calls and chats in person he assured me that his relationship wasn't serious. And me being a sucker for his PHD followed him into a restroom where we ummm compared plumbing. Guilt ridden I avoided him for several weeks until he called me inquiring why I was avoiding him. Mentioning the BF he cemented that it wasn't serious and more a roommate thing so I rebuttaled "then you won't object to a date" no answer for that one. After smoking enough cigarettes to get my ego on a nice nicotine high and my conscious to nod out a little I called Dr Josh one weekend and he explained he was out of town and he'd call when he returned. (Here's where my life officially turned into an episode of 'Sex and the City') Well he never did, but my therapist with the help of a reliable source aka The Sunday Style Section from the NY Times announced the wedding of Dr Josh and his partner the blond gay not so serious BF version of Natasha. Well if Natasha ever gets who I'm referring to if its any consolation we never did more then compare and there was just one kiss.
Then I met VELCROBOY; a instantly attached gay man that had the adhesive power of 'crazy' glue. Plus he was holding onto some lost Vogueing youth and using pictures of a body that hadn't existed since 'the house of hello no one vogues anymore'. I used to have a washboard stomach in my 20's also but I don't use 5-10yr old pics for my manhunt profile (this was strike #1). Although very nice I don't think anyone wants to hear "we'll never go out we'll just stay in and watch TV and movies all the time (strike #2)" or my favorite "wouldn't it be great if we get rid of our manhunt accounts" (strike #3) (yeah that sounds greatif it weren't for the fact that we've now known each other maybe 5 minutes)
So realizing the internet might not be the best place to meet Mr Maybe butI haven't given up yet and I will fill everyone in soon on whatelse has happened to me in the last year.