Join Zipcar and get $25 in free driving!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

RIP James

Dear James
I learned of your passing yesterday and if you’re listening I want you to know that I truly miss you. I want to apologize for not making more of an effort to stay in contact with you. I kept wondering why you haven't responded to my messages on facebook but I never made an effort to call you or even check your page or I'd have known more about what's going on.
I want to thank you for helping me find my voice on this blog when I first started it. Your creative criticism was always encouraging. Every time I make an entry I ask myself does this sound like me so thank you for helping me be heard even from behind a computer screen. One day hopefully I will tell people about our funny adventures all over NY State, and the circumstances of how we met.
Thank you for being such a bright light in my life when everything was going dark. Your friendship really brought joy and hope to my life and I won't forget that. Hopefully sharing your memory will give others a little bit of light in a darker world now that you’re gone.


Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I had a great conversation this morning with my aunt. We caught each other up on the commas and punctuations in our life since we last spoke. Sharing each others sadness and joy in a understanding way that only family can.
No advice unless solicited but just the "yes I hear what your saying" (in an Italian boogie down Bronx kinda style) that resonating hum that let's each other know we love each other and hear one another.

The same great recipe of family dialogue, a pinch of how this one is and a handful of do you remember so and so from the block with a helping of who is that and then we spice it up with the new stuff. Some good some bad and some bitter sweet and viola. It’s filling satisfying and leaves a lingering in your heart for a morsel more.
As we were making our way through the check list of ingredients (family members) the same 2 were discussed as always my mother and father and as its been for the past year of my life mom's flavor of crazy was left on the shelf and for almost 5 years dads zesty shenanigans are left to enjoy the Florida sun and penal system.

For a moment I forgot who I was, what happened to the kid from Carpenter Ave. that cried over anything? I had to ask my aunt where he went. I’ve gotten myself so trained that my knee jerk reaction to any probing about those two are to act like I barely recall them. As if they were just another one of the other random people from the block that I get confused with. Then I feel bad that I don’t remember who they are when they should be associated with fond memories.

Then my Aunt as only she can do said “I know you and you’re still that same person, he never went anywhere. You just learned how to deal with that sooner then anyone else.” She went on to say other stuff to make me feel better. It was just what I needed to hear to because as much as I’m the first one to figure out who is bad for me I’m the last to know when what I’m doing is right for me.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Dear Mom

Dear Mom

Thank you for violating my privacy by disclosing my HIV status to everyone in our family after I asked you not to. Thank you for giving my phone number to my father. It was wonderful talking to him on Sunday afternoon while he was intoxicated. It was even better when he called me Monday evening when he was high. Thank you for degrading my career choices. I appreciated the phone calls from random people with employment advice. I I apologize for the 5 years of my life where I let things get out control and I let my life go down the toilet. I appreciate you taking me in and trying to help me get my life together. Part of getting my life together has included ridding myself of the chemical physical and mental toxins in my life. Not having you in my life has removed a major stress factor in my life. Moving to NYC made my t-cells jump from 325 to 425, and in the 6 months that I've not been in contact with you they have increased to over 500. I have started a wonderful career in the private sector that i love and I am starting college this spring. I will also be celebrating my 2 year anniversary this March. I did relapse on cigarettes after I had to explain my health and HIV status with my Aunt.

You may think that your actions are always benevolent and you can stand by what ever defense you choose to explain them but it doesn't change the outcome or how they effect me or the people that you enlist. I'm sorry for all the things I've put you through and I'm sorry that I don't make choices you agree with but the only way to stop causing each other pain is to cut the cord and so I have. I'm not living my life to make anyone but myself happy and I'm not apologizing for it anymore. I don't have any need for the things you offer to me like house and money. The only conditions and terms I accept in my life are terms that require meeting my goals and making myself happy and healthy.

In making amends to myself I can no longer allow toxic people in my life and in making amends to you all I can do apologize for my past and say good bye. I have changed my phone number and I have filtered my email acct so that anything I receive from you is sent to a junk folder. If and when something happens that information needs to be sent to me I'm sure there is channel that you will find.

I love you and wish you find the sense of peace I have found in my life.

Your Son