Psycho some addict! I'm out of control!

Lately I've been eating all my feeling. All my emotions are in correspondence with a 'Ben & Jerry's' flavor (my fav chubby hubby) I was at a meeting last night that focused on relationships intimacy & sex in recovery and the speaker (a good friend of mine) repeated something that I have been dealing with. Where do we recovering tweakers’ seek out safe consensual partners? The speaker and I agree that we feel that we get all the intimacy we need from the rooms. I can say that there are few subjects that are off topic with me and most people know my story. Let's face facts if you're reading this blog you know I leave little to the imagination. (Terence would like me to go into detail about our sex life but I think that's an entirely different blog) unless of course I declare myself a sex addict. As much as I identify with the 14 characteristics of sexual compulsion I can't say that I'm a sex addict. Don't get me wrong I LOVE SEX but hey I still got 10 days left to 'NO SEX' and I've made it this far, no point of quitting now. Besides I think you have all come to love the love I give you via my blog.
Back to the dating pool; so what pond do I dip my worm in? I went to meeting last week In another fellowship and the first was great the second scared the shit out of me. It was just a different exp then what I'm used to. Both were full of recovery but I'm pretty well known in the 12 step circles so I think that was why at the first one I didn't get that new comer welcome with a billion numbers and business cards being handed to me as though I just walked in looking like porn star, smiling naked, lubed and ready to go. (Sweet fantasy rescues me!) Nope instead I ran into several people I know that know me and ended up surrounded by women. I love my gurls but maybe it was just a bad call on my part. I don't plan to abandon my fellowship I totally owe my life to it (trust me I was a mess) but I love my fellows too much to risk spoiling the healthiest relationships I've ever had. Now I won't pretend like I don't have my crushes trust me I do! There are quite a few hottie pataties' and I'd love to do some cardio step work with. One thing I've managed to do very well is keep a distance from anyone I have romantic interests in and keep a safe distance from people that I've had "relations" with while I was still active. There is one in particular that I see all the time and we both have really done well in the program putting time together. And yes I was totally crushing on him for a long time after so I knew for my own recovery I needed to keep a safe distance. Especially since he was my go to fantasy whenever I found myself, Mono Han Solo. The funny thing is as much as he was my fantasy future husband it was totally based on the hot sex we had. Granted I think I've been very capable of picking out some diamonds in the ruff and he totally falls into that category. I can always tell who are good people, that are just sick and suffering when I was out using. There is something in people’s voices and eyes I could see (when my eyes weren't crossed) and hear (when I wasn't hearing helicopters). So yes I've watched him recover and become this beautiful sober person that now I actually love for who he is and I know that he is more of a brother then a husband. Not that I'd say no to some incestual behavior ;) Ok 1, 2, 3, now back to me! A saying I picked up from a friend I recently made from another fellowship.

So I realized that maybe it’s not something I'm missing in my soul but possibly my diet. When I started my 90 in 90 no sex I was taking a multi vitamin and trying to be active and eat healthy. I also started attending a 4 week class to assess where I was at to go back to school. When I started the class I stopped taking the vitamin and I think that in the last week I must have depleted some mineral complex and that was what triggered the massive appetite and the hunger triggered a sense of loneliness cause I started taking the vitamin again and I'm starting to feel much better, but maybe that's just the addict in me needing to know I'm ingesting something that will make me feel better. I'll tell you what though if in 15 months sobriety I've learned to pop a multi-vitamin instead of popping out a pipe and it takes a brain freeze detox to realize I'm eating too much ice cream I'm doing pretty damn good!

‘X’ things I hate about U2

Where do I begin to express how nauseas I am at this moment? Is it due to the void I keep trying to putty over with ice cream? I know Misery loves company, and why is Joy so obnoxious, are they the epitome of ‘frenemies’? They are the salt and pepper one reserved table of bitterness I sit at. I just want some sugar in my bowl some sweetness down on my soul! What’s the matter Daddy? I’ll tell you my neighbor and his boyfriend are celebrating their ONE MONTH anniversary with an ice cream cake. (You’re damn Skippy I cut a big fucking piece off for myself.) Now again I love them I’m happy they are together. I think they are good together and good for each other but I think I’m allergic to them.

1. They are a cute interracial couple (Can we be more cliché?)
2. They pout when they’re not around each other
3. They have no idea what the either one’s name is. “Baby” “Yeah Baby”
4. They feel the need to tell me how much they care about the other
5. They are still in that lets just be naked all the time faze still
6. They think PDA’s are completely appropriate on the subway (the whole ride)
7. They pity the single people “you’ll meet someone”
8. They don’t know what white noise is (music to drown out the moaning)
9. They are using my lube and I have no reason to demand it back
10. They can eat as much ice cream as me and actually burn it off!

I know love and relationships always look good from the sidewalk when you’re window shopping. I used to have a hard time picking outfits out. I would find a cute top or bottom and not know what to do with it. Then I discovered I could find the said top or bottom on a mannequin and find the matching counterpart. This sounds good but the mannequins are plastic and are designed so that everything looks good on them. So the cute piece you pick out from your own taste may not really work on you with anything where you’re shopping. So as hard or as easy as you try to look like everyone else it just may not work.

Can you believe that in the late ‘90’s in NYC someone thought it was a good idea to deliver boxes of wine to college dorms?

So recently via conversations with strangers I was reminded of how often I try to decide which of my toes taste better. If you couldn’t figure that out let me elaborate. I have a proven track record of putting my foot in my mouth. Sometimes I choose to mumble just because I don’t even comprehend what I’m saying. Now its not that I’m a ‘Timmy’ a ‘Helen’ or a ‘Mental Midget’ I’m just me, a very well balanced version of the three. I speak without thinking; I can be completely blind to my surroundings, and sometimes how no idea what’s going on around me.

This was abundantly clear to me after Y2K. I had turned 21 and discovered the Kozmo’s and Urban Fetch services and spent a large portion of time in my ex’s dorm. I being the first one in the group of age would order boxes of wine. Three white wines, and three red. Till this day (even though I haven’t drank in over 15 months) red wine always gives me a hangover. I always had to drink as much as possible to get just a little loose and feel on even playing ground with the Fordham kids. Paul put a quote wall on his door and every time someone said something worth writing down up it went. Now there were some really good one liners considering we were all watching Dawson’s Creek and Felicity and arguing over Fiona Apple versus Annie DiFranco. (Sorry Jen I still stand by my Fiona I think I could write a short story from each of her songs and parallel it with my own life.) BTW Tori Amos’s new album so far so not worth the wait. For the record I never liked Dawson’s Creek, a bunch of 20 somethings pretending to be 15 walking around with thesauruses (Don’t even get me started on Katie Holmes) arguing over virtue and false virginity.

Back to the quote wall, I know I made it up there more then once do to comments like "Its not that I mean to say stupid things, it's that I don't mean what I say to sound stupid!" Now this insanity was very common from me when I was sober and can you imagine what I sounded like with a box of wine? I am very glad that I can use the “I can’t remember I was drunk!” excuse on a lot of the shit that came out of my mouth. I vaguely recall going out drinking with co-workers one night and getting shit faced. I just needed to numb out and before I knew it I was in Terence’s dorm room tasting that metallic flavor you get in your mouth after puking. The next morning I did recall opening the cab door as it was driving and up chucking a trail of liquor from 9th Ave to 10th Ave. I even remember the cab driver yelling at me. The thing is when you’re inebriated things sound fine in your head it’s that when they come out my mouth they’re all garbled and don’t make sense. More then just not being comprehendible I get mean and nasty. I’ve been referred to as a real CUNT when I’m drinking. I’m not even gonna repeat what I said to Paul cause in my mind three sheets to the wind mind I was convinced that something else was happening so I said something in an attempt to be funny that came out rude crude and just wrong. (REALLY SUPER SORRY PAUL)

Here’s why I’m always putting my foot in my mouth. I am constantly running an inner dialog and sometimes I say things not realizing I didn’t verbalize the thought process I had just before coming up the comment I make. So if I say something that doesn’t make sense to you don’t take it personal. It’s really a compliment, it means I’ve included you in my thoughts and thought I shared them with you before I spewed my nonsense.

Did you know I have my own Gerbil Story?

‘C’ is for cookie its good enough for me! We’ve all had our first pet and I’m sure we all have very fond stories to go with them. How they were named the funny tricks they did or in my case how blatantly they pegged you as a flaming homosexual.

Let me take you guys back 25 years ago. The year was 1984. The original Terminator: staring Linda Hamilton and Arnold Schwarzenegger. BTW I just saw Terminator: Salvation AWESOME!!!

There are two defining moments of moments of my life when I turned 5yrs old in March of ’84. The first is that I decided that I would no longer call my mother Mommie because I was a big boy now. I said “Mom I can’t call you Mommie anymore. I have to call you Mom now cause I’m a big boy!” And till this day the only time I say “Mommie” is if it is followed by “Dearest”. You know what? It’s funny cause its true. Ask anyone who’s met my mother she’s the love child of Fidel Castro and Joan Crawford. And she suffers from Stockholm syndrome and tries to pass it on like it’s a freaking ginger snap. But I digress!
The second right of passage for turning 5 was that I got my first pet. My Aunt Lu got me the cutest cuddliest creature any gay man could want, A GERBIL!

I loved my Gerbil. I named him Cookie Monster after my favorite character on Sesame Street I just wished he was Blue. Now we all know about the perils of gerbil asphyxiation in the gay culture. Urban legend or not, I can honestly say I killed my Cookie Monster within weeks of turning 5, but it’s not what you think. Okay so it was due to a lack of air but not the way you’re thinking.

My Uncle Mike told this little 5 year old “Gerbils loved the water and could swim really well. You should fill up the bathtub and throw him in there. He’ll love it!” (BTW I still hate my Uncle Mike and this is just one reason why) So one Saturday morning I wake up while Joan Castro was still asleep and I decided to give Cookie Monster that bath. I filled up the bathroom sink and gently released CM in the warm water. He flailed around and swam from side to side back and forth with no way to pull himself out of the water. I only filled the sink halfway. After a few minutes he started getting tired and dunking under the water only to start thrashing again, till finally his tired little legs could not tread water anymore.

My five year old mentality had no concept of death or drowning or that I had even put his life in peril. I thought he just fell asleep in the pool. So I scooped him out of the water and placed him on the bathroom rug. I poked him and nudged him attempting to wake him back up but nothing worked. Starting to panic about how I’d explain this to my dictator I grabbed a box of band-aids and tightly suppresses CM to the rug. Then as diplomatically as I could I stirred the beast all while retaining my dignity. “Mom” I said. “Mom, Cookie Monster fell asleep when I gave him a bath.” Finally after a minute or two of nudging she woke up. “What! You gave him a bath? Did he get loose?” not quite following what I was trying to explain to her. (Funny 25 years later and she still doesn’t listen to a word I say!) “No! Look!” I say as I pulled her towards the bathroom.

Now here’s one of Mommie Dearest’s shining moments in my life, so as much as we don’t get along I have to give her credit how she swung into action. “OMG Tommy what did you do! I think he’s dead. You drowned him.” She said to me as she peeled him off the rug. “But can’t you wake him up, Mommy?” (Ha I’m good aren’t I the master manipulator) I say this to her with the most child like manner I can muster. I really don’t know what drowned or dead means at 5 years old but I could tell it wasn’t good, but I think the ‘mommy’ really got on her good side. Before I knew it she was resuscitating CM. pressing his little chest up and down and I think she even blew into his mouth. Before I knew it he was coughing up water and starting to blink his eyes. “HE’S AWAKE!” I squealed. Joan Castro to the rescue.

“You can’t keep CM” was the next thing she said to me. He was dried off and put back in his cage. My Aunt Lu came over the next day and took CM home with her. He lived there with my Aunt and Nana for the rest of his short life. About a year later he got out of his cage and one of my Nana’s cats killed him. So either way I killed him once and the cat got him the second time. Who knew gerbils’ have 2 lives?

Till this day when ever I smell cedar I think of Cookie Monster and wish he would have caused some internal bleeding in my Uncle.

I just wanna rip a Care Bear’s head off and eat its little heart!

Thank god I see a therapist once a week cause I think it’s the only thing keeping an assault and battery charge from happening. I don’t know why but for the past two days I’ve just been in a really shitty mood. I do feel better now as I write this but I can’t help but wonder why I’m feeling like smacking people with cheese graters. (WOW that was ‘Sex in the City’ with a sprinkle of ‘Cops’)

I mean nothing is going wrong in my life. I’m going back to school, I’m working, and I have wonderful friends and a pretty busy social life. My dance card is pretty darn full yet I feel like I keep forgetting something when I leave the house. Spectacles Testicales, Wallet Watch. Oh a boyfriend to call and decide where to meet. I know I really don’t have any time in my life for a certain special someone but I have space for them. I have full sized bed that I sleep all alone in. I have over fifty pairs of socks in my drawer. I know I just reorganized it today. (Can you say Secret Single Behavior) so it’s not like I couldn’t have someone spontaneously spend the night and not give them a fresh pair of foot wear. Or maybe I’m spending too much time living in my storage spaces to see who’s really out there.

Yes I did start an account on a new site and yes I even have a few dates scheduled but I’m what I really think I’m afraid of is that I’ve become comfortable in being alone. Yes getting hurt is a risk but I’m not sure I have the strength to climb over these walls I’ve built around my emotional insides. Plus they’re so high I get vertigo every time I try to get up there. And don’t give me that build a door bullshit. It took too fucking long to build my concrete igloo of resentment and fear and I was still coming down when it started going up so excuse me for being to cross eyed to read the blueprints. I mean I get it I do, I see how much I’ve grown in the past fifteen months I’ve been sober and how much I’ve learned about myself in the past three years that I’ve been single. But in three years I’ve only cuddled with three guys and I know I didn’t have sex with two of them and I know that the one I actually slept with went to the black party the next night, so all I was, was the kick off to his sex super bowl. So yeah that was a real ego booster.

I’m not looking for the perfect man or men or anything like that, just someone that can grab my attention and return it. I’ve even gotten better at my issue with being attracted to guys that are unavailable. I can weed them out much better then before. I don’t know what I want just yet but I know it’s cold when you sleep alone, and as much as I’m learning to love myself it would kill me to let someone else say “hey it’s bed time!” I’m not even saying that I don’t want to be single, I don’t want the live in boyfriend I don’t want to give up too much of my personal space but I need some motivation to clear out some of my baggage and learn to share my space. I’m willing to make some room if anyone out there is willing to climb a wall.

WHAT THE HELL AM I THINKING?

So one of my employers well actually all of my employers are people that are rather close to me. One in particular introduced me to an online dating service. I know I know I know I have spent the last month talking about how I’m on a 90 day vow of celibacy and that all the guys on the internet are assholes yadda yadda yadda… And I still hold fast to that assessment, but I only have 18 days left to my vow and I am curious as to who and what is out there. I’m not going to divulge the website or my screenname for that matter but I will say that this sight seem (so far) to be clearly lacking the usual gay man questionnaire crap.

Not once has it asked my preferable position, or to describe my endowments. I think that’s a good start don’t you? No where have there been crude sexual check boxes or nude pictures. I think these are good signs. I know it’s a little too early to call it at this point but even the profiles seem a little more intellectual and romantic, just what I’m looking for! I mean hey I gotta start somewhere right? Further more the suggested matches don’t seem to be generated my biological puzzle combinations. I have actually enjoyed reading other peoples profiles and finding common interests that require clothing. Who knew?

Like I said it’s way too soon to peg this site or its inhabitants’ but mark my words at the very least I’ll have a new and juice source of man bashing. But maybe there will be someone worth mentioning too!

Who’s your sex broker?

Has the economy affected your personal life? Has the stock market crash damaged your libido? Have plunging interest rates instill a fear that it will never go back up? Are you afraid you may break more then your hip riding the bull? Or are you disappointed from the last bear rally you hosted?

Today has been a rather strange day for me. I woke up from a sex dream involving my ex and not that the sex was anywhere near a nightmare or that the dream was either, it only made me wake irritated and disassociated with consciousness. I have 19 days left to my no sex vow and I think I’m further away from human contact then when I was MANHUNTING. To further add insult to injury I indulged in some retail therapy today, new shirts, a pair of shorts, (resentment towards my waist size) and even a pair of new high-tops like all the other kids are wearing. Now I even managed to go grocery shopping, hit the drug store for sundries, and did two loads of laundry. However my day went to shit when I was invited to go to the movies with my neighbor and his boyfriend.

Look I’m not trying to rain on anyone’s parade but I’ve done the third wheel with these two before and it’s rather sickening. They are the cuddly kissy lets make out on the train and everywhere else kind of couple. I seriously support violence in these situations. Now they promised to not be annoying but you can’t turn it off. When people have what you want (dysfunctional or not) it doesn’t matter whether or not they act out the behaviors you want to beat them over, because they are already oozing out the happy lovey dovey stinky puss from their pores and it just smells bad. I love you guys you’re both great (I know you’re reading this C) but seriously I can’t be seen with the two of you. Now there was a prospect of another person joining us originally as a blink date for me (and yeah maybe this has something to do with it) but I was really willing to go because I wouldn’t have to be grossed out again by myself. Misery loves company and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna be suffering alone.

So the stock market is rallying, the economy is starting to recover, hell even I have 3 jobs right now (not counting my blog and five other service commitments I have). I’m starting to have funds in my pocket again so that I could actually afford to go out on a date again, but I don’t think I want to. I feel like just going back to the online sites and having meaningless one nighters, that will simply scratch the itch, and trust me people it’s itchy. What do I do? Do I put my money back in penny stock or do I keep holding out for the right investment?