Your Mom's on my Buddylist

The title of this blog is inspired by a bumper sticker I read once on I17 in Phoenix, AZ. Also it is very apropos considering the subject of this entry, however you know me and how I like to paint a picture, so I'll start from the beginning.

By now you all get the gist that I'm a drug addict/alcoholic in recovery. I blame it on the bad genes handed down to me. Not that that matters, I continue to take the next right action and maintain a sober life. Along with they addict gene I inherited from my biological Father. I also suffer from another condition know as "sleep terrors". This I owe to my Mother. (Thank you Mommie Dearest) If you're not familiar with this just imagine you're worst waking nightmares reoccurring several or more times a night, sleep walking and becoming physical to the point where if you do stay asleep you spend most of the night punching things around you or running kicking and screaming, even attacking people in your bed or your home. So when you awaken to your alarm 8 hours of sleep may feel like a short nap. Now imagine this happening almost every night of the week. Suffice it to say I suffer from this condition since I was a teenager and it became truly debilitating in 2002. I never understood why Mom would scream in her sleep and often half naked charge out of her bedroom eyes wide open shouting obscenities, start slamming doors, looking in the cabinets and sometimes even attack me. She would then retreat back to her bedroom and sometimes even wake up and ask if I heard her having a nightmare. On the nights I was accosted I would just pretend to be asleep. Sometimes I was able to walk her back to bed and no one was hurt, other times she would bruise herself and/or me. Saturday nights were always entertaining; Me on the sofa with my big retriever dog Sheena watching SNL circa '91. I'd be laughing at Mike Myers when all of a sudden Sheena's ears perk up. I hear mom screaming "GET FUCK OUT OF HERE, WHAT FUCK!" as Sheena jumps off the sofa and in front of the Door to building hallway Mom comes taring out the bedroom in bra's and panties (not matching btw) hair disheveled and full on "CRAZY EYES" I'm talking racooned out and teeth snarling like some type of Amazon Warrior from "Xena" and she even crouches like she's about to start wrestling for her life and the opponent doubles as dinner. She looks at me like we're in the battle dome or something and asks "What are you doing?" "I'm sitting here watching TV, MOM!" As though it takes her a minute to comprehend what I'm saying she starts doing the crazy eye head bop/eye shift. The head spasms in arched movements from left to right to classic '70's disco (toot toot ya beep beep) while the eyes continue to go left right left right at a completely different tempo. More like a gay house beat. (Groove is in the heart) Mom turns around and retreats to her bedroom and doesn't shut the door behind her. 5 minutes later she re-emerges conscious "Were you just in my room?" "No Mom I've been sitting here watching TV, but you were out here a few minutes ago." I reply looking straight through her trying to catch the joke from the sketch. "Was I having a nightmare?" she asked bewildered. "I guess so" like I know what the heck is going on under that rat nest of hair. "Well get to bed, its to late for you to be up." I know this doesn't sound funny but every now and then this would happen with the green mask on her face or my personal favorite when she's start trying to climb into a hallway closet as though "Narnia" was on the other side. She never got out the Condo cause my Sheena would not move from in front of that door. (I miss my Sheena the best dog EVER RIP)

Now my night terrors started getting bad in 2002 as I mentioned this is right after My Stepfather perished My Nana died and Sheena was put to sleep. All within 7 months. Not to mention the Doink fiasco. So I was rather overwhelmed and barely 23 years old. I started waking up constantly from nightmares or waking up with bruised knuckles and sometimes scratches self inflicted. I became more and more afraid to sleep. I started to self medicate. (imagine that) This continues to get worse. At some point after moving back to NYC in the fall of '02 I start having auditory hallucinations. I start drinking even more. The only way I can fall asleep and stay asleep is if I pass out drunk. Now I didn't want to become an alcoholic so I don't drink or use drugs on school nights and these evening I get, if I'm lucky 2-3 hours of sleep in an 8 hour window. I start passing out at work on breaks and wake up screaming within minutes of laying my head down. This is when my crystal use starts.

I had tried crystal twice before and found I could take it or leave it like coke. I just wasn't that into it. As my sleeping issues became worse and other experimental self prescribed drugs failed I recalled that 'Tina' gave me the ability to stay conscious and functional. Tina and I were engaged from that moment on. I could stay awake as long as I chose to (usually 36-48 hours) then crash for 8-12 from exhaustion and all thought I still had night terrors they were now happening only every other night or not at all if I had an entire weekend off. Needless to say within months I was using crystal daily and staying up for on average 5 days at a time. My ex from that portion of my life would force me to take Ambien and refused to sleep next to me. All I would want is to cuddle and be held as I fell asleep cause even with 2-3 Ambiens I knew I was going to be fighting a war once I shut my eyes. I can't even get into how disturbing my dreams were even before the drugs entered my life. My ex would lay next to me for maybe 10 minutes and as soon as I started to twitch he slept on the couch. He had described to me watching me flail around as if Linda Blair had just received a Enema of holy water.

I'm sure by now you're saying "who's mom am I referring to?" Well let me catch you up to speed (no pun) on how I got to Arizona. My ex and I were working for his friend and at that point I decided the relationship was over and that I was moving on. While in Arizona I met this other guy that I fell in love with and took hostage. It is this ex's Mom that I am referring to in the title. So lets discuss this my my last ex and why I chose to email him last night and how much this has had my head spinning from last night. As I became involved with this said ex we cuddled a lot and that was a big improvement of the previous guy. He didn't put up with my hitting him in my sleep. I woke up once to him screaming at me cause he thought I was picking a fight. Most nights he slept to heavy to even notice my screaming but the occasional left hook got me pushed out of bed more then once and either of us on the couch some nights. He was convinced that my dreams were related to some violent crime he believed I committed. Granted there was drug use in our relationship, it was much less then it had previously been also at this point my night terrors were so common to me that I had adjusted and after 2 years with my ex even he adjusted. As bad as we both were to each other I don't doubt there was an honest core of love between us. I say this because by the second year of our relationship instead of him fighting back with me started sleeping on my left side so that only my right arm (I'm left handed and have no strength in my right arm) could really swing at him. Also he developed this habit of (while totally asleep) just scooping me up in his arms spooning and restraining me symotainiously while whispering in my ear "shhhh its okay. Its just a dream, you're safe. Go back to sleep, I love you." Well maybe not all of that but on the more then one occasion I woke up from a night terror I would hear any given part of something like that. I know he would restrain me cause sometimes I'd wake up needing to relieve myself and try to wiggle out of bed only to have his left arm swoop over me and pull me tightly in to him and here something like what I just repeated.

Now I'm not saying the relationship was healthy infact I can say as much as I miss him sometimes I know that I wouldn't have been able to get my life in order had I not. That doesn't mean that what we had wasn't important to me. Furthermore I haven't been in a serious relationship with anyone since him, and it will be 3 years this July that I am single. Now we certainly had our falling out and he is the type that will delete his email address and change his phone numbers and even move leaving no way of getting in contact with him. His mother however uses the same screenname for everything and was very easy to find. Also we got along very well when I was with her son and she liked me. When I started chatting with her on various social networking sites I believe she told me that he (my ex/her son) was very mad at her. I am glad that I have kept her on my buddylist cause even though I live 2500 miles away and doubt that we would even have a future with one another, nor do I feel like attempting to get involved with anyone at this juncture of my life even something familiar. And being in recovery we make that amends list and I'm not on that step yet but I'm close to it and had it not been for my consistency in maintaining a dialog with the Mother of someone I love I would not have had the opportunity to re-examine these uncomfortable feelings towards someone I love nor the chance to start the process of healing. So that's why his Mom is on my buddylist.

cRaZy Is LiKe WaTeR, iT tAkEs ThE sHaPe Of ItS cOnTaInErEr

We All know water seeks its own level, and birds of a feather? Well they flock together. I know I'm a crazy bitch, I don't have crazy eyes though. I have had many incarnation's of my craziness. In High School My craziness manifested by dieing my hair and sticking safety pins through an assortment of my fleshy parts. Falling in love with a boy that was completely unavailable. rebelling against any and every rule.

In my early 20's my craziness took shape by jumping into relationships and moving back and forth across the country as if I were some how inspired my by the Louis & Clarke expeditions. Also by experimenting with every drug that was put before me. Except heroin. I am afraid of heroin, my uncle died from asphyxiation on his own vomit in his sleep while passed out. I don't like slowing down. I was always being told to hurry up by my mother so when I found my drug of choice it was almost instantaneous love. I could move at speeds and maintain a stamina that was unknown to my constantly melancholy state of being.

See its not just the vessel that's shaped like crazy. I think my liquid fillings have also had crazy powder thoroughly baked into my genes and regardless of the shape my mold I'm still a moist cake of insanity so no matter how you slice it I am my insanity my fillings and my behaviors however I choose to bake myself.

I am now 30 and very much on the table of proper portions and delicious finger sandwiches of slogans steps and recovery, but every now and then I like to take bigger bite then I can chew and wash it down with some crazy juice!

Don't Speak I know what you're saying is BULLSHIT part 4

OH MY GOD! Has it really been 20 days since I've last typed in this screen? Is anyone still reading it? Are you shivering with an tis a (SAY IT) pation? Well I'll remove the cause, but not, the syptom!
Yes my mind is a tangled mess of musicals and lyrics I can't help but at least I'm here. Sorry It's been so long I can't tell you all how UBER busy I've been with school and other commitments I have but I'm here now! Plus My Monitor died and I had to replace it so my keyboard was rather useless for a week.
Ok where were we? Fall of '97 now I'm working at an icecream store I have my first car and of course I've rekindled things with Doink. I realize now he was my Autumn version of S.A.D. You know seasonal Affects Disorder. Well to follow suit Doink stood me up again after a date or two and that was the end of it. At this point I just expected it. It didn't matter anymore I found a new love. My 1989 Ford Probe LX was the best companion an 18 year old boy could have. We (Sharon Dianna and myself) christened her K.I.T.T.Y. she was black had a red sports trim gray interior with hide away headlights a digital dashboard and some advance computer system in the dash for trips and weather and various other forms of data collection and communication. I loved her.
I still was heartbroken but now my lonely aching heart could drive around all of NYC & Westchester County in the middle of night listening to what ever music I wanted as loud as I wanted! I would drive up the Hutch late at night going north and watch the city melt away. It was so exciting these little adventures, KITTY would say we were traveling NNW and that at my current speed I had 310 miles before I'd have to refuel and I'd test her. The urban sprawl would would reduce to suburban sprawl and then it would just be the road me and trees and trees and trees. Oh then they're be a sign! I'd be dangerous and keep going. Then I'd see a piece of road kill or a dear and I'd turn around at the next exit. That was enough country for me!
Now like any good New Yorker I love leaving the city, but there is nothing I love more then coming back. If you've never been to NYC or never had the opportunity to see the city skyline from a distance at night you are truly missing the 8th wonder of the world. I think the architects and city planners felt that we should challenge the night sky and so Manhattan was chosen to be the battle ground. We build building after building some the most beautiful in the world and we clad them in glass and incase them with light and from a distance it looks like yellow white and blue jewels scattered around almost like a tennis bracelet just relaxing above the horizon. And all the really tall building that make the city up are crowned with a bright red ruby to say ha! top that monochrome sky.
Ok back to Anthony. Well returning to NYC wasn't always a relaxing occasion. At this point In my life I'm 18 a full time student and I work 60 hours a week to cover my bills and take care of my grandmother. So enter my first and foremost addiction. My name is Tommy and I'm a Workaholic. The peace I got from those drives really kept me sane for some time. Inside I was still heartbroken and distracted. My family life became very unmanageable and I started having panic attacks and other nervous disorders were forming. I was smoking at least a pack of Marlboro Reds a day and never had time for anything.
I could tell you about the countless straws that broke the camels back and I will but never the less I dropped out of school and moved to Lehigh Acres Florida to live with my dad and his wife Toni. I love Toni she has the soul of an angel and a face to match. Her eyes are so bright and her smile is contagious. My dad is a drunk. I moved to Florida to get away from all the stress I was going through but I didn't understand what I was getting myself into and after six months of Florida I move back to NYC. I had a good rest but a bad taste in my mouth especially after Toni caught my dad smoking crack! (We'll get there I swear) So It's been 9 months since I've had a nervous breakdown, dated some kid named Romeo, moved to Florida, found out my dad is a crackhead alcoholic, move back to NYC, and oh since I've seen Doink.

So its summer in NYC a nice summer too I might add 85 and humid you just wear shorts and feel sticky I love it. I love Florida for that too. I just jumped into my car on Williamsbridge Rd and Astor Ave. after getting something in some store for Nana. And I see him cross the street from my rear view mirror. Bless Kitty's revving heart for always putting me where I need to be. I hang a Uee. (thats bronx for a U-turn also known as flip a bitch)
"Need a ride?" I yell out the power window as it reaches halfway down.
"Oh shit" as he approaches the car. "I'll be right out getting my mom something from the store"
I put kitty in park and wait wishing I could idle as well as her. Shockingly I as I think this I hear the engine rev a little. What do I say to Doink? I'm happy to see him I'm a little more grown up now at least. He approaches the car.
"I just need to go down to my grandmothers and give her this" he raises the yellow plastic bag with a smiley face in his right hand.
"Hop in" I hit the unlock button "Are you sure? its not a far?"
"It's hot and by car its faster and we can catch up" I say and my reason is unarguable, sounding as grownup as I felt.
He reaches over and give me a hug hello and his tan cheek brushes mine (not to mention he's about 15 pounds heavier) and it feels cool and I'm instantly recalling the last time I saw him was in my car and us kissing and that ecstasy feeling in my stomach and I just want him to tell me that he missed me and that he loves me and that we should run away and that I've always been the one that he wanted and and and and and...
"Long time no see!" he says as he draws back to his seat.
"Yeah it has!" not sure what else to actually say to Doink. So I start driving north on Williamsbridge and make a left on Waring Ave. acting like I know the way back which I recall.
"Yeah it must have been a month or two since I've seen you" Anthony says as we start passing the projects on the right.
I slam on the brakes and Kitty screeches to a HALT. "WHAT!" I pull in to the curb to let traffic pass. "Anthony I haven't seen you in" counting on my right hand the left white knuckling my steering wheel wishing it was his throat "nine months" I take a deep breath how can this person that I care so much about not know I've been gone long enough to have a baby! "I just moved back from Florida I was there for the past 6 months" I spit.
"Yeah I thought that was you but I saw Florida plates" acting as if nothing was wrong he replies. And I unlock the door. "Get out of my car!" I growl through gritted teeth. I can't turn my head to look at him. I feel the impact of the door shut and look at my dashboard to make sure it's closed properly. Doink stands between the 2 parked cars and leans down to see me and begins to say something but I had already put the car in gear and made my little 2.2 liter 4 cylinder engine peel out as I really flip a bitch.
I almost made it to Pelham Parkway on Williamsbrige Rd when I break down crying in the car. I'm sure I must have been played Fiona Apple's "Shadow Boxer" or something as piercing. That summer I drove away and I left Anthony on that sidewalk and hoped to leave him in my past. I had no idea how messy my life would get.

So here's where things start to get gritty. A few boyfriends later and a few more non-drug induced geographics later I find myself again living in south west Florida but now I'm 22. And I can tell you that 22 was the worst year and the most fun of my life.
Ok I'm 22 I have a 31 inch waist and a perfect tan I live in Ft. Myers Florida I have a big bunch of friends (Hi Patrick hi Forest hi Ft Myers) I'm out partying every night I discover Coke Extacy Acid Shrooms special K. and Tequila. What could be wrong? Well 9/11 happens and my step father perishes (he's a firefighter) Then that January my Nana dies terminal brain & lung cancer. Her illness honestly triggered my addictive behavior well more the side effects of her cancer. I say that cause I never wanted to get out of myself until Jan of '01 when the tumor in her head made it difficult for her to remember who I was by voice. (Not getting into that right now its way too painful) I had started to notice that my drinking and drugging was getting a little crazy before Nana died and so I decided to slow down after she died.
I returned to Ft Myers and my job at Applebee's and I was very depressed. Not to mention it was a week before Valentine's Day. I'm closing up my section putting chairs back after vacuuming under the class extended enclosure when I look up and who do I see sitting across the bar in the smoking section? One thousand four hundred and twenty one miles away from the sidewalk in Waring Avenue sits Anthony. My jaw lands somewhere on top of the vacuum cord I was raveling up. I run into the kitchen cause I knew everyone else in the place had drugs but me that night. In fact I planned to just go home and go to bed and take a Saturday night off from dancing on the bar at TBL. None of my girlfriends with coke were there. I walk over to peek at Doink. HE'S WITH A GIRL! I tell my apple buddy that was my first love. She lets me know he's on a date.
I walk up to the table. What the fuck do you say after three and a half years? "Hi you're one of the few people I love left alive please call me?" I don't say that. I re-introduce myself to Anthony like I've been renovated and proud of my paint job. I tell him "I'd love to talk and catch up!" so I give him my number on a napkin. He introduces me to his fiance. I didn't care about her. I just wanted tell him about everything that had happened in the six months but most importantly that Nana had died. I was really hoping we could just be friends. "Hi nice to meet you" I say to the girl sitting across from him. It turns out Doink now lives in Ft. Myers and works at the furniture store across the street from Applebee's. I walk away from that table feeling feeling so excited that an old friend from the Bronx is so close.

Anthony left my number balled up in that napkin on the table and like every other time before it got thrown out. I Flip out and hold back tears of anger. Tears of rage. I go home. I got home and managed to call every drug dealer I had and so it began. I would like to tell everyone reading this that five hits of extacy melt away a broken heart but they don't. And I had good E in Florida never ever had E as good as what I found in Florida and that night was no different. I chewed the first 2. I snorted 2 more and then a swallowed one more for good measure. I brought my problems to the dance floor. I brought my problems back home. 6am I'm still crying. I call Dianna. She's still awake back in NYC. She never goes to bed and she's not on drugs. "You will never guess who was in my restaurant tonight" I tell her as I squat down on the floor cause the E was still making me roll. "No fucking way!" Dianna and I have some weird psychic connection. "What the fuck is he doing down there? Is he on vacation?" "No" sweat rolls down my face and tears from my eyes spill on my lap. "he works across the street from me at some furniture store"
"Get the fuck out of here!" She can tell I'm fucked up and that I'm crying. "Listen I gotta go to bed call me tomorrow. I love you. That little bastard." tomorrow means as soon as I'm sober and for her it means later that evening. I hang up the phone. I love that Dianna loves me and hates Doink.

So that's it. That was the last time I saw Anthony on a balmy Saturday night in an Applebee's in Ft. Myers Florida February of 2002. And here I am 7 years later writing about it. Well at least now you guys all know why I'm an addict named Tommy. But this is just the beginning of my drug career. I've got tons crap to fill you guys in on. But I hope every time you think of Applebee's you think of me and my broken little heart balled up in dinner napkin that got dumped in the trash.

Don't Speak I know what you're saying is BULLSHIT part 3

WOW this is taking way longer to get this story out then expected but its worth it to me. I've buried these feeling deep down inside for many years and I feel lighter getting them off my chest.

We last left off I had just turned down 'Little Steve' who wasn't that little we just had more then 1 Steve in the group.
Steve and I rode the elevator down from my mother's apartment on 28ths street and 2nd avenue and I escorted him back to the train so he could return to the Bronx. It was still fall but if my memory serves me it was warm perhaps and Indian summer. as we walked westward towards Park Avenue we noticed a Pimp in a lime green suit with matching shoes and fedora. We both thought it was funny. I can even tell you that Steve even kissed me good bye as he got on the train and his tenacity blew me away. Now he had become a good kisser after all I should know I taught him how to kiss. He used to do the 'fuck your lips with his tongue thing' but I remember wacking him in the head saying "what the fuck are you doing? follow my tongue!" and then kissing him again slowly getting him to enjoy the tactile contact sensation we get when we make out. I still remember how 'Little Steve' smelled to this day I smell ivory soap and I think about that cute boy that asked me to be his boyfriend over a dozen years ago.

Another reason I remember that night so well is because of the hooker that worked the block for the pimp propositioned me as I passed her walking back to 2nd Avenue. As I approached Lexington Avenue I noticed the strong odor of urine fill my nostrils hitting my soft palette causing me to gag a little. As I proceeded this body stood up from squatting between 2 cars and pulled up her lime green spandex and saying "You need some company baby?" as she then adjusted her wig with clearly not washed hands. "No thanx just had some company" I replied as I almost vomited in my denim jacket that I pulled around me a little closer as the first cold winter chills started to give the wind a little bite. So 'Little Steve' has a very bitter sweet spot in my heart and always will.

But this isn't about Steve and besides there are a few more Steves' to write about later. Winter came and so did Valentines Day. I was alone. checking my clear yellow motorola beeper daily always hoping that Doink would send me a sorry beep i forget what the numberic code is but you all recall those beepers and the 83202 upside is besos kisses in spanish duh god you people are so white that read this lol. Anyway I waited and waited and waited and got a job at an Ice Cream store down the block from my moms. Sharon Dianna and I spent V D evening together. I made Bustello and and mini bunt cakes and my mothers apartment was full of love and the aroma of powdered sugar and coffee. Now Sharon Dianna and myself are all Pisces and we are connected Sharon read in her annual astrology guide "whomever you spend this valentines day with will become a close and dear friend for many years to come. Well Sharon and Dianna knew one another but that night of love and romance a bond was formed over spanish coffee and the three of us have been tightly linked still to this day.
Gosh I keep getting sidetracked anyway spring came and so did summer and guess who popped back up? Now I have described how Steve kissed but I think I need to explain to you guys that Doink was the first boy I ever kissed. Every kiss by every male there after is held against a kiss from Doink. His lips were so soft and his kiss was so gentle that just thinking about one now over a decade later fills my heart with helium and my stomach with a brick. How many of you have ever taken Ecstasy? That universal love sensation you feel for everyone that's the only way I can describe my feeling for Anthony (Doink). He helped me and my grandmother Nana move to Throggs Neck in an apartment around the corner from Sharon. And again we kissed and he asked me to be his boyfriend and I said yes of course but he disappeared again.
I started College got my first car and continued to work do all sorts of things. I even went to LA on vacation that summer with mom as a graduation gift. We drove all around LA constantly getting lost and sun burned. But I was accustomed to the burning sensation in my chest at this point. Fall came and again I started thinking of Doink and reminiscing and getting sad so again I wrote him a letter. This time telling him how hurt I was and mad that he had done this to me again and that I'm a human being that has feeling. Time heals all wounds but my chest is tight as I type this and I can remember crying as I wrote that letter feeling heart broken and rejected just trying to understand whats wrong with me. (I know I write to many fucking letters) I gave him his letter in his birthday card and you know what he does. He calls me up and apologizes for everything saying he keeps freaking out. FREAKING OUT now his mom loves me my Nana loves him we're both always welcome at each others homes and our parents are aware of whats happening between us and never air a voice of disapproval to either one of us. So I take him back again...

Don't speak I know what you're saying is BULLSHIT Part 2

So sorry to leave you all hanging for so many days I've been very busy! I attended a retreat over the weekend and had an amazing experience I wrote about it stay tuned for the post titled "Suite Resentment" Also my up and coming entries are gonna be a little behind schedule I'm using my old laptop due to my monitor blowing out on my desktop I normally use.

Now where did I leave off? Oh yes I faked running away to Las Vegas and then started a rumor that I had been killed in a drunk driving car accident. Now I know how horrible that sounds and all but before you judge me please take into consideration that in this relationship I had been burned with cigarettes and bitten in a fairly sensitive spot and still have some discolorations to prove it.

Ok So I'm free from crazy James and looking to start my life over again. I'm 17 single and had just made some new friends from Lehman High School that attended my HS for summer sessions. One friend that to this day is my soul sibling Dianna was informing me of this boy she was kinda dating and that she thought we knew each other. It was Doink. Well through the grape vine Doink found out that I wasn't dead nor in Las Vegas and he showed up at my house one day completely unexpected. He invited me to go down to the village with him and a friend. Now I just had to see Anthony and every single gut wrenching emotion broke loose from the crevices I had hid them in. So of course I said I'd love to go with him. There was no mention of this being anything more then us hanging out but i knew something was up.

So I meet Doink at his friends house who's an older gay gentlemen not the type that was molesting the teenage gay boys but more the type that just saw the gene in us and provided a safe haven in a somewhat homophobic neighborhood. Or at least that's what my 17 year old naive mind would like to believe. Anyway Doink and I are waiting for his friend that he called Uncle Joe or something to finish shaving and getting ready. Now here's where things get a little interesting.

I remember that Doink was taking every opportunity to inch closer to me and touch me and so I called him on it. I said "Are you trying to flirt with me?" "Yes! he replied. "Well if you're gonna keep flirting with me you might as well kiss me!" or something to that extent and well he did. So he said "I was hoping to consider this a date" And i told him that my feeling hadn't changed for him. We had a great time wondering the west village I bought a few rings and he a chain or something and I might have given one to Doink as a gift. His uncle Joe stated that he almost sliced his throat when he heard Doink say yes to flirting with me. We had a good time and returned to the Bronx. Doink walked me home.

I asked Doink "So what does this mean?" when we got to my house. He said he wanted to try and see if we could date. Now I was scared that in the 11 months of being with James that some of his reputation of being a skank may have rubbed off on me. And I was really afraid of inviting Doink in and doing the things with him that I had always wished I had done with him first. So we just kissed and then would be one of the last times we saw each other that summer until we went to the Halloween parade together with some mutual friends. Of course I had another letter waiting for him talking about how hurt I was and he apologized saying he got scared and to give him another chance. So of course I did.

Another winter went by and I never heard from him. In that time a friend we called little Steve asked me out and fearing damaging my chances with Doink I said no (after we had hooked up) stating that my heart really belonged to Anthony (Doink) and If I wasn't still in love I'd be happy to date him. (I still regret that answer that evening). Again I think I've babbled to long on this you'll all have to wait for part 3 to read how it ends...

Don’t Speak I know what you’re saying” Is BULLSHIT

So again, Pandora papercuts an old scar that had healed (so I thought) many years ago. Oh Gwen Stafani how you hit a nerve… “Don’t speak” came out during my junior or senior year of HS and I was in the grips of what would turn out to be the grips of my first love. His name was (past tense cause if he’s dead so be it the way he played games with my heart for 4 FOUR 4 mother fucking years) Anthony and we called him ‘Doink’. I met him the January of ’95 some 7 weeks before I turned 16. I knew at that moment I was gay. I knew he was the boy I wanted and I knew that whatever it was I saw in his eye he saw it too.

Never in the previous 15 years and 10 months of my socially awkward existence had the need to become part of the clique ever cross my mind until I met Doink. Not that I wasn’t becoming aware of the peer pressures to pick group but I just didn’t feel compelled to join any. I wasn’t a jock a nerd nor a drama club kid (although I wanted to do ‘drama’ HER-LOW). Doink was with the ‘metal head kids’ the we wanna live in Seattle cause in the early ‘90’s the rock scene migrated towards the “now know as alternative sound (history lesson boys) we wore the band t-shirts and we wore flannel and boots and all that stuff. I fit in well I lived this music STP spoke to me Nirvana told my story and NIN let all my anger at the world out. I pierced myself and died my hair and all the things that were expected of me. All in the name of a boy! Doink was dating a girl and so I waited.

Well I didn’t have to wait long in the name of grunge and alternative music and Courtney Love and Eddie Vedder we would play truth or dare and test each others sexuality and I loved it. I got to make out with Doink by the first blossoms of spring tht same year. That was all for a while but I was patient. Then I became his friend and his confidant (which sucks) I would be his shoulder to cry on everytime him and the GF would fight or breakup. But I have and always have had balls. I didn’t say it to his face but I wrote him a love note and confessed how I really felt. He said if he wasn’t with her he’d want to be with me. But every time she cheated or broke up with him etc he’d run back to her. Then I came up with a plan.

I knew the one other boy (and yes we were all boys not old enough to vote but old enough to know we had erections) that Doink truly despised had a thing for me. Well being the master manipulator I am I dated James just to make Doink jealous. Well it worked. Some 3 months into it Doink got me alone and (what he later confessed was his attempt to tell me he loved me and to leave James) we talked for a few hours and took a long walk and I kept trying to get it out of him but he couldn’t say it so I stay ed with James for 8 more months of HELL. I couldn’t stand James. He was vulgar smoked pot had no ambition and was just terribly co-dependant. After a total of 11 months I couldn’t take it anymore and I cut my losses. But James wasn’t exactly stable. And I knew that running into him on Pelham Parkway would just be dangerous. So I came up with a scheme.

I told everyone to tell him that I ran away and moved to Las Vegas to live with my real dad and then followed that rumor up with another that (since everyone knew my dad was an alcoholic) I had been killed in a car accident. I know I’m a sick and twisted bitch. Now I realize I got a little long winded here so I’m gonna continue this story tomorrow so stay tuned…

Cafe Con frenemy

I sat down to start this afternoon's entry and realized I was at a loss for words. Aggravated by this I wondered am I done already 2 days and 4 blogs later had I tapped all my creative juices dry? Then I look my final sip from my coffee mug understood my dilemma. And by now you're all wondering why (if you don't know already) I call myself an addict. I am a stimulant addict and we'll delve into that pool another time but that should be suffice for now. My first cup of coffee today did nothing to wake or stir me and this is disappointing. If you've ever had the please of one of my cups of coffee you know I make it HIGH OCTANE / CRACKTACULAR and I usually never have more then 1 cup. I must not have measured out the scoops today cause I needed a second cup. And wow I'm even a cunt to myself when I don't have enough psycho-stimulant chemicals flowing through my brain. Now I'm sure some of you are saying caffeine is bad for you. Ya well so is crystal meth-amphetamine and you don't see me disengaging the mechanism over here so count your blessing(FORESHADOW ALERT).

Ok now that I've vented my frustration on consciousness off my chest I can return to bitching moaning and whining about men. Lets talk about facebook and how amazing it is that you can use it as a tool to screen anyone you're interested in just by reading there profiles and affiliations and screen the associates they are in contact with. Does there mother constantly comment on their profile updates and chime in on everything they do. Does someone make innuendo regularly to them or are they always being tagged in bar photos that put them in compromising positions? Or worse the idiots that do wall posts instead of private messages (gotta love those) "great running into you at the clinic hope everything clears up!". Now it really is a great way to stay in touch and find friends that may have slipped through the "lets stay in touch" cracks. I recently downloaded the latest facebook for my phone which managed to scan my phone #'s and find people in my cell phone that were on facebook! Sounds great right? I was tempted to select all 47 people but my gut told me to scroll down the list. I was very happy to find a friend that I had been meaning to call for forever to thank for some practical advice he gave me. He said something to the point of relearning how to date and have relationships and to treat myself like a HS girl and start from scratch. Something like that and yes glad I have taken his advice and taken baby steps back into the world of gay relationships. So needless to say I was happy to check him off and anxiously await a friend request approval and I'm happy to say this morning he accepted and we have started catching up.

Now on to the slippery slope of technology. Along with a few other good friends that I had no idea were on FB there were a few people still in my blackberry (that I save in order to properly screen calls) that I wasn't sure who they were. some were some rather attractive men so I had to really carefully go through them. Is this a hookup I'd like to repeat? Is this a Log Cabin Republican I'm trying to avoid? (BTW we'll be discussing Log Cabin Rep at another time) Is this someone that has hooked up with me then my neighbor? You get my point you how many people on our friends list are really our friends how many people on these lists are we really just frenemies?