WHAT THE HELL AM I THINKING?

So one of my employers well actually all of my employers are people that are rather close to me. One in particular introduced me to an online dating service. I know I know I know I have spent the last month talking about how I’m on a 90 day vow of celibacy and that all the guys on the internet are assholes yadda yadda yadda… And I still hold fast to that assessment, but I only have 18 days left to my vow and I am curious as to who and what is out there. I’m not going to divulge the website or my screenname for that matter but I will say that this sight seem (so far) to be clearly lacking the usual gay man questionnaire crap.

Not once has it asked my preferable position, or to describe my endowments. I think that’s a good start don’t you? No where have there been crude sexual check boxes or nude pictures. I think these are good signs. I know it’s a little too early to call it at this point but even the profiles seem a little more intellectual and romantic, just what I’m looking for! I mean hey I gotta start somewhere right? Further more the suggested matches don’t seem to be generated my biological puzzle combinations. I have actually enjoyed reading other peoples profiles and finding common interests that require clothing. Who knew?

Like I said it’s way too soon to peg this site or its inhabitants’ but mark my words at the very least I’ll have a new and juice source of man bashing. But maybe there will be someone worth mentioning too!

Who’s your sex broker?

Has the economy affected your personal life? Has the stock market crash damaged your libido? Have plunging interest rates instill a fear that it will never go back up? Are you afraid you may break more then your hip riding the bull? Or are you disappointed from the last bear rally you hosted?

Today has been a rather strange day for me. I woke up from a sex dream involving my ex and not that the sex was anywhere near a nightmare or that the dream was either, it only made me wake irritated and disassociated with consciousness. I have 19 days left to my no sex vow and I think I’m further away from human contact then when I was MANHUNTING. To further add insult to injury I indulged in some retail therapy today, new shirts, a pair of shorts, (resentment towards my waist size) and even a pair of new high-tops like all the other kids are wearing. Now I even managed to go grocery shopping, hit the drug store for sundries, and did two loads of laundry. However my day went to shit when I was invited to go to the movies with my neighbor and his boyfriend.

Look I’m not trying to rain on anyone’s parade but I’ve done the third wheel with these two before and it’s rather sickening. They are the cuddly kissy lets make out on the train and everywhere else kind of couple. I seriously support violence in these situations. Now they promised to not be annoying but you can’t turn it off. When people have what you want (dysfunctional or not) it doesn’t matter whether or not they act out the behaviors you want to beat them over, because they are already oozing out the happy lovey dovey stinky puss from their pores and it just smells bad. I love you guys you’re both great (I know you’re reading this C) but seriously I can’t be seen with the two of you. Now there was a prospect of another person joining us originally as a blink date for me (and yeah maybe this has something to do with it) but I was really willing to go because I wouldn’t have to be grossed out again by myself. Misery loves company and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna be suffering alone.

So the stock market is rallying, the economy is starting to recover, hell even I have 3 jobs right now (not counting my blog and five other service commitments I have). I’m starting to have funds in my pocket again so that I could actually afford to go out on a date again, but I don’t think I want to. I feel like just going back to the online sites and having meaningless one nighters, that will simply scratch the itch, and trust me people it’s itchy. What do I do? Do I put my money back in penny stock or do I keep holding out for the right investment?

It can’t just be me? Can it?

Yeah yeah yeah I know, I’m like the one fucking young (30) gay man out there that isn’t looking to fuck every guy I meet but that’s not gonna stop me from bitching about it. I don’t even know where to begin I’m so irritated right now.

Here’s my line in the sand for all you out there that have my phone number or my aim screen names. Don’t “sup” me and then reply “sup” as though I fucking engaged a conversation. I have plenty of people in my life that I can call on and text and instant message and actually have a conversation. If I want to talk to kids in the language of abbreviations I talk to my little cousins. All of you that know me know how light hearted and jovially a person I am and I express myself in a very comical manner. Me “too serious” I think not. Right now yes because I’m aggravated by Officer Abercrombie with his bullshit. I don’t need relationships that depend only on a keyboard.

If you’re young dumb and full of cum kudos to you. I’m sure you can find someone to assist you there are plenty of websites and phone lines dedicated to these things. Mine is not one of them. I enjoy talking to people I consider friends and even just acquaintances’. “Hi, how are you?” “Good, yourself?” “Can’t complain, so what’s new? How’s that thing go?” “Oh it went ok I guess. Hey you wanna meet for lunch or coffee and I’ll tell you all about it?” “Sure when are you free? OMG and I gotta tell you what happened to me the other day!” That’s a normal conversation.

So if you can’t talk like a normal human being and work out dialog that is more then “sup, nm, nothing, chillin, not tonite, nah, lol, j/k” so if you categorize me as being to serious that just means you’ve put no effort into getting to know me and actually know nothing about me. So if this applies to you SERIOUSLY the juries back don’t bother me.

Ahoy me Matey!

Well everyone I had to take a few days off to recuperate. I had a very laborious and rewarding Memorial weekend. I still have not seen Angels & Demons or Terminator Salvation so if anyone would like to take me to a movie I’d love to go.

I had the most unexpected phone call on Sunday. A dear friend asked me to be her First Mate on her ship. Now anyone that knows me knows that I’ve had a very unusual life and in 30 years on the planet I’ve done many different things and can say I’ve lived more then one or two lives so far. Also I have always looked at new experiences as an opportunity to expand my horizon. Now I’ve always drawn the line at physical labor. Sorry been there done that I’ve been a bus boy a waiter a carpenters apprentice etc. Also I’m from a blue collar middle class family so I was raised to view labor as the only truly worthy work. This value never hit my core. I’ve always been an artist at heart, whatever my given medium is at that moment. I pursued photography and ceramics in my early years followed by drawing and always was interested in architecture. So I was groomed for a life in contracting and construction. I know all my gays are squirming at the thought of a hot butch man in denim and construction boots, but now imagine that its you with your arms in the car engine or on that cold construction site and how rough and calloused your hands were and how much dirt would be under your nails. Now imagine a grease stain on your designer whatever. Yeah you’re squirming for a different reason now aren’t you?

Now don’t get me wrong I enjoy knowing that I can perform some basic procedures in home and auto maintenance, but to get my hands dirty drives me crazy. I have soft hands and feet and I would like to keep them that way. However I finally found a labor of love. I don’t know what it was, maybe because I’m a Pisces and that I’ve always felt at home near the ocean and at peace floating in the water. I LOVED working on a boat. My first fear was that my inadequate arms would not be strong enough to pull the rope or worse my delicate hands would have no grip on the rope. Then the fear of falling of the dock and getting pinned between the boat and dock ran through my head. The worst fear was that I’d tie the knots wrong and the boat would float away and I’d be expected to jump into the Hudson to retrieve it. None of these things happened.

I took to the boat like a fish to water. I was at home there in the harbor. The salt in the air, the wind in my face, the rocking back and forth of the boat I could go on and on about how I adapted to my new surroundings. It took a few tries to get the knots down but before I knew it I was shoving off and pulling in the starboard fender off the bow. My Capt taught me as much as she could in the day we worked together and it was a pleasure working with her. Now I have got to tell you this was work. I had to jump on and off the boat push the boat from the dock (that’s where the ‘shoving off’ phrase comes from) I always knew starboard was right and port was left after all I’m a Trekker. I just never saw the appeal of seamanship. I was so wrong to think this was just the same old rough hands labor. There is camaraderie amongst sea fairing folks that I’ve only felt in the rooms of recovery. I was introduced to the crew of a very well known actors Yacht and just serving under my Capt they all introduced themselves to me and instantly there was a bond. The “Bond” is the love of the Ocean.

Now I’m not leaving my land life anytime soon but I am applying to be back up ‘First Mate’. I enjoyed myself so much that I look forward to serving in this capacity again. Knowing that the Sea is in control and Poseidon holds my fate even off the shores of NYC. I have always embraced the riskier side of life. I’ve sky dived, traveled across America couriering things I shouldn’t have, and now earned my sea legs. All the peril with none of the legal ramifications and I am getting paid. It’s truly a win/win situation. So shiver me timbers mates there really is a women for me the Sea. And a female Captain that I gladly take orders from. But wouldn’t it be great if I could start filling this blog with stories of the men of many ports? So who knows maybe I’ll start a new career and say good by to all ye land lovers and find me a mate in all the ports me fair lady the wind takes me!

‘Sim’ulated Power is Absolutely Corrupted

When I was 20 this incredible game came out called “the Sims’” You created characters and controlled their lives. What they wore, ate, did for a living, you could even influence their sexuality. Needless to say I created a happy couple by the names of Terence and Tommy.

Terence and Tommy lived in a fabulous house that Tommy designed for them and both were very happy in their careers. Unfortunately the lifestyle they were accustomed to was a farce. Tommy had found a cheat code to manipulate the income they earned. (Tommy’s defense was that it came from a “trust fund”)

Now I have a history of being passive aggressive in real life and the real version of Terence had a knack for pissing me off. Rather then confront Terence in a healthy manner or that would have been conducive to our relationship I chose to take out my hostilities on the computer version of him, and to make matters worse the ‘Sim’ version of Terence was very temperamental. I conjured many ways to torture him. I would remove the door from the wall trapping him in a room, them just enclose him in drywall to watch him cry and bang on the wall. Sometimes I would remove the toilets and bathroom fixtures till he would defecate on himself. I was very cruel. However not matter what I did as soon as ‘Sim’ Tommy would return home to find his lover trapped in a wall he would bang on the other side and they’d talk and virtual hearts would flutter.

One day while choosing to not torture Terence and just observe his day, the phone rang. It was a prank call. “THE END IS NEAR!” came out of the receiver. Terence was terrified and I was perplexed. What a dark and twisted thing to put into a game. This phone call persisted only when Terence was home alone. He would wait anxiously for Tommy to arrive. Finally playing god I decided that if I don’t like confronting my demons neither should my ‘Sims’ so I simply hid the phone and got an answering machine. One morning while Terence walked out the door to go to work he dropped dead. I stared at the computer monitor in disbelief. Tommy returned home to find a grave stone that the game placed right where he died. Tommy was devastated. He cried and cried and screamed and clearly was upset.

What was I going to do? This game was a reflection of my life. Like I always did I cheated my way out of the situation. I resurrected Terence. (kinda sorta) I quit the game without saving it and it restarted the day prior to his death. That day instead of letting him go to work I made him go swimming in the pool. Something wasn’t right as the weeks (in real time) went by. The phone calls became more persistent. Terence started suffering from even more anxiety. Then he dropped dead again. I restarted the game. He dropped dead again. Then one day I accidentally saved the game making Terence’s death unchangeable. Now the real Terence and I at this point were having real difficulties and some how my computer reflected this all back to me. I tried to get Tommy over his death but he just moped around and was so melancholy. He would walk up to Terence’s earn and cry and weep and mourn. He even started wearing black everyday.

Not soon after the real Terence and I split up for good. That was eight years and two months ago. Since that game I played the real Terence has had to be the innocent bystander to a lot of my wreckage. I don’t know how I can ever really make up to him all the horrible things I’ve done to him (via a computer game mostly) or to myself. I do look to him with a ton of respect and admiration. The reason why I have no romantic feeling towards Terence anymore is that I simply did enough damage to him. Regardless of how much I work to become a better person then I was, there is no way that I would be consumed with guilt if I couldn’t keep Terence at a distance. The over zealous guilt driven people pleasing would only lead to me becoming resentful. Being resentful would only make old behaviors reemerge, like trapping him in a wall and starving him to death. All I can do is the next right action and learn from my mistakes and eventually hope to not repeat them with the next guy.

I Practice Skepticism

Was I just asked out on a date by Solomon via my blog or did my new found Messiah just give me marching orders? I guess I’ll have to show up next week at Union Square Park to find out won’t I? Ok my followers you are all on “Orange Alert” If I come back spewing words of love and hugs find me and shoot me. Please bear in mind that we are encroaching on the end of my 90 day celibacy vow. (Ok I know it’s only 65 days in but buy Friday it will be 70 days that’s 10 weeks of nothing so who knows maybe I’m promoting free love and don’t even know it. Did someone put a hug me sign on my back? Then again I may be standing in the park with a sign…

GIMME A HUG

I am a very touchy feeling huggable cuddly guy when I am dating someone. I can hug and kiss my friends but I always pull away first. What can I say hugging makes me uncomfortable. I can tell you that on average I probably hug anywhere from 10-25 people (mostly guys) a day.

Today I was working outside promoting an event when I ran out of fliers. I was then recruited by the “Free Hugs” cult. I really don’t even know where to begin to describe how much my skin crawls at the thought of touching strangers. Now I’m an outgoing friendly person. At least I can pretend to be very well. No I’m not claiming to be a member of the “Actors’ Studio” but I can fake the funk in order to survive and navigate society. Hugging is just too much for me.

So there I stand in Union Square Park with a giant “Free Hugs” sign in my hand and total strangers accosting me with their open arms. Let me take you to where my mind goes: crazy people touch strangers, crazy people don’t bathe, dirty crazy people have lice, dirty crazy lice infested people have germs, dirty crazy infested people are prime candidates for the “Swine Flu” OMG I felt something jump off that ladies head and land on my arm. I start feeling itchy all over. Great now I have probably have lice and the “Swine Flu” I’m not into the hippy long barefoot (or in sox) curly hair hemp wearing types but “Solomon” the “Leader of the “F H” cult doesn’t smell like Patchouli oil and B.O. But what really gets my goat is that the guy “Solomon” if that’s his real name radiates sex. Maybe that’s how these things work. I don’t know I have no idea what the real motive of the ‘F H’ people are but I am really wanting a long lingering (take in the location of various points of pressure) hug from him.

I’m not hugging strangers to get a free hug though. I have plenty of friends to choose from to have inappropriate body contact with. I will mention that I have 26 days left till I reassess the celibacy thing. So if I tell you I need a hug and I don’t let go lets just blame it on the cult.