Yeah yeah yeah I know, I’m like the one fucking young (30) gay man out there that isn’t looking to fuck every guy I meet but that’s not gonna stop me from bitching about it. I don’t even know where to begin I’m so irritated right now.
Here’s my line in the sand for all you out there that have my phone number or my aim screen names. Don’t “sup” me and then reply “sup” as though I fucking engaged a conversation. I have plenty of people in my life that I can call on and text and instant message and actually have a conversation. If I want to talk to kids in the language of abbreviations I talk to my little cousins. All of you that know me know how light hearted and jovially a person I am and I express myself in a very comical manner. Me “too serious” I think not. Right now yes because I’m aggravated by Officer Abercrombie with his bullshit. I don’t need relationships that depend only on a keyboard.
If you’re young dumb and full of cum kudos to you. I’m sure you can find someone to assist you there are plenty of websites and phone lines dedicated to these things. Mine is not one of them. I enjoy talking to people I consider friends and even just acquaintances’. “Hi, how are you?” “Good, yourself?” “Can’t complain, so what’s new? How’s that thing go?” “Oh it went ok I guess. Hey you wanna meet for lunch or coffee and I’ll tell you all about it?” “Sure when are you free? OMG and I gotta tell you what happened to me the other day!” That’s a normal conversation.
So if you can’t talk like a normal human being and work out dialog that is more then “sup, nm, nothing, chillin, not tonite, nah, lol, j/k” so if you categorize me as being to serious that just means you’ve put no effort into getting to know me and actually know nothing about me. So if this applies to you SERIOUSLY the juries back don’t bother me.
ZIPCAR
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Ahoy me Matey!
Well everyone I had to take a few days off to recuperate. I had a very laborious and rewarding Memorial weekend. I still have not seen Angels & Demons or Terminator Salvation so if anyone would like to take me to a movie I’d love to go.
I had the most unexpected phone call on Sunday. A dear friend asked me to be her First Mate on her ship. Now anyone that knows me knows that I’ve had a very unusual life and in 30 years on the planet I’ve done many different things and can say I’ve lived more then one or two lives so far. Also I have always looked at new experiences as an opportunity to expand my horizon. Now I’ve always drawn the line at physical labor. Sorry been there done that I’ve been a bus boy a waiter a carpenters apprentice etc. Also I’m from a blue collar middle class family so I was raised to view labor as the only truly worthy work. This value never hit my core. I’ve always been an artist at heart, whatever my given medium is at that moment. I pursued photography and ceramics in my early years followed by drawing and always was interested in architecture. So I was groomed for a life in contracting and construction. I know all my gays are squirming at the thought of a hot butch man in denim and construction boots, but now imagine that its you with your arms in the car engine or on that cold construction site and how rough and calloused your hands were and how much dirt would be under your nails. Now imagine a grease stain on your designer whatever. Yeah you’re squirming for a different reason now aren’t you?
Now don’t get me wrong I enjoy knowing that I can perform some basic procedures in home and auto maintenance, but to get my hands dirty drives me crazy. I have soft hands and feet and I would like to keep them that way. However I finally found a labor of love. I don’t know what it was, maybe because I’m a Pisces and that I’ve always felt at home near the ocean and at peace floating in the water. I LOVED working on a boat. My first fear was that my inadequate arms would not be strong enough to pull the rope or worse my delicate hands would have no grip on the rope. Then the fear of falling of the dock and getting pinned between the boat and dock ran through my head. The worst fear was that I’d tie the knots wrong and the boat would float away and I’d be expected to jump into the Hudson to retrieve it. None of these things happened.
I took to the boat like a fish to water. I was at home there in the harbor. The salt in the air, the wind in my face, the rocking back and forth of the boat I could go on and on about how I adapted to my new surroundings. It took a few tries to get the knots down but before I knew it I was shoving off and pulling in the starboard fender off the bow. My Capt taught me as much as she could in the day we worked together and it was a pleasure working with her. Now I have got to tell you this was work. I had to jump on and off the boat push the boat from the dock (that’s where the ‘shoving off’ phrase comes from) I always knew starboard was right and port was left after all I’m a Trekker. I just never saw the appeal of seamanship. I was so wrong to think this was just the same old rough hands labor. There is camaraderie amongst sea fairing folks that I’ve only felt in the rooms of recovery. I was introduced to the crew of a very well known actors Yacht and just serving under my Capt they all introduced themselves to me and instantly there was a bond. The “Bond” is the love of the Ocean.
Now I’m not leaving my land life anytime soon but I am applying to be back up ‘First Mate’. I enjoyed myself so much that I look forward to serving in this capacity again. Knowing that the Sea is in control and Poseidon holds my fate even off the shores of NYC. I have always embraced the riskier side of life. I’ve sky dived, traveled across America couriering things I shouldn’t have, and now earned my sea legs. All the peril with none of the legal ramifications and I am getting paid. It’s truly a win/win situation. So shiver me timbers mates there really is a women for me the Sea. And a female Captain that I gladly take orders from. But wouldn’t it be great if I could start filling this blog with stories of the men of many ports? So who knows maybe I’ll start a new career and say good by to all ye land lovers and find me a mate in all the ports me fair lady the wind takes me!
I had the most unexpected phone call on Sunday. A dear friend asked me to be her First Mate on her ship. Now anyone that knows me knows that I’ve had a very unusual life and in 30 years on the planet I’ve done many different things and can say I’ve lived more then one or two lives so far. Also I have always looked at new experiences as an opportunity to expand my horizon. Now I’ve always drawn the line at physical labor. Sorry been there done that I’ve been a bus boy a waiter a carpenters apprentice etc. Also I’m from a blue collar middle class family so I was raised to view labor as the only truly worthy work. This value never hit my core. I’ve always been an artist at heart, whatever my given medium is at that moment. I pursued photography and ceramics in my early years followed by drawing and always was interested in architecture. So I was groomed for a life in contracting and construction. I know all my gays are squirming at the thought of a hot butch man in denim and construction boots, but now imagine that its you with your arms in the car engine or on that cold construction site and how rough and calloused your hands were and how much dirt would be under your nails. Now imagine a grease stain on your designer whatever. Yeah you’re squirming for a different reason now aren’t you?
Now don’t get me wrong I enjoy knowing that I can perform some basic procedures in home and auto maintenance, but to get my hands dirty drives me crazy. I have soft hands and feet and I would like to keep them that way. However I finally found a labor of love. I don’t know what it was, maybe because I’m a Pisces and that I’ve always felt at home near the ocean and at peace floating in the water. I LOVED working on a boat. My first fear was that my inadequate arms would not be strong enough to pull the rope or worse my delicate hands would have no grip on the rope. Then the fear of falling of the dock and getting pinned between the boat and dock ran through my head. The worst fear was that I’d tie the knots wrong and the boat would float away and I’d be expected to jump into the Hudson to retrieve it. None of these things happened.
I took to the boat like a fish to water. I was at home there in the harbor. The salt in the air, the wind in my face, the rocking back and forth of the boat I could go on and on about how I adapted to my new surroundings. It took a few tries to get the knots down but before I knew it I was shoving off and pulling in the starboard fender off the bow. My Capt taught me as much as she could in the day we worked together and it was a pleasure working with her. Now I have got to tell you this was work. I had to jump on and off the boat push the boat from the dock (that’s where the ‘shoving off’ phrase comes from) I always knew starboard was right and port was left after all I’m a Trekker. I just never saw the appeal of seamanship. I was so wrong to think this was just the same old rough hands labor. There is camaraderie amongst sea fairing folks that I’ve only felt in the rooms of recovery. I was introduced to the crew of a very well known actors Yacht and just serving under my Capt they all introduced themselves to me and instantly there was a bond. The “Bond” is the love of the Ocean.
Now I’m not leaving my land life anytime soon but I am applying to be back up ‘First Mate’. I enjoyed myself so much that I look forward to serving in this capacity again. Knowing that the Sea is in control and Poseidon holds my fate even off the shores of NYC. I have always embraced the riskier side of life. I’ve sky dived, traveled across America couriering things I shouldn’t have, and now earned my sea legs. All the peril with none of the legal ramifications and I am getting paid. It’s truly a win/win situation. So shiver me timbers mates there really is a women for me the Sea. And a female Captain that I gladly take orders from. But wouldn’t it be great if I could start filling this blog with stories of the men of many ports? So who knows maybe I’ll start a new career and say good by to all ye land lovers and find me a mate in all the ports me fair lady the wind takes me!
Monday, May 25, 2009
‘Sim’ulated Power is Absolutely Corrupted
When I was 20 this incredible game came out called “the Sims’” You created characters and controlled their lives. What they wore, ate, did for a living, you could even influence their sexuality. Needless to say I created a happy couple by the names of Terence and Tommy.
Terence and Tommy lived in a fabulous house that Tommy designed for them and both were very happy in their careers. Unfortunately the lifestyle they were accustomed to was a farce. Tommy had found a cheat code to manipulate the income they earned. (Tommy’s defense was that it came from a “trust fund”)
Now I have a history of being passive aggressive in real life and the real version of Terence had a knack for pissing me off. Rather then confront Terence in a healthy manner or that would have been conducive to our relationship I chose to take out my hostilities on the computer version of him, and to make matters worse the ‘Sim’ version of Terence was very temperamental. I conjured many ways to torture him. I would remove the door from the wall trapping him in a room, them just enclose him in drywall to watch him cry and bang on the wall. Sometimes I would remove the toilets and bathroom fixtures till he would defecate on himself. I was very cruel. However not matter what I did as soon as ‘Sim’ Tommy would return home to find his lover trapped in a wall he would bang on the other side and they’d talk and virtual hearts would flutter.
One day while choosing to not torture Terence and just observe his day, the phone rang. It was a prank call. “THE END IS NEAR!” came out of the receiver. Terence was terrified and I was perplexed. What a dark and twisted thing to put into a game. This phone call persisted only when Terence was home alone. He would wait anxiously for Tommy to arrive. Finally playing god I decided that if I don’t like confronting my demons neither should my ‘Sims’ so I simply hid the phone and got an answering machine. One morning while Terence walked out the door to go to work he dropped dead. I stared at the computer monitor in disbelief. Tommy returned home to find a grave stone that the game placed right where he died. Tommy was devastated. He cried and cried and screamed and clearly was upset.
What was I going to do? This game was a reflection of my life. Like I always did I cheated my way out of the situation. I resurrected Terence. (kinda sorta) I quit the game without saving it and it restarted the day prior to his death. That day instead of letting him go to work I made him go swimming in the pool. Something wasn’t right as the weeks (in real time) went by. The phone calls became more persistent. Terence started suffering from even more anxiety. Then he dropped dead again. I restarted the game. He dropped dead again. Then one day I accidentally saved the game making Terence’s death unchangeable. Now the real Terence and I at this point were having real difficulties and some how my computer reflected this all back to me. I tried to get Tommy over his death but he just moped around and was so melancholy. He would walk up to Terence’s earn and cry and weep and mourn. He even started wearing black everyday.
Not soon after the real Terence and I split up for good. That was eight years and two months ago. Since that game I played the real Terence has had to be the innocent bystander to a lot of my wreckage. I don’t know how I can ever really make up to him all the horrible things I’ve done to him (via a computer game mostly) or to myself. I do look to him with a ton of respect and admiration. The reason why I have no romantic feeling towards Terence anymore is that I simply did enough damage to him. Regardless of how much I work to become a better person then I was, there is no way that I would be consumed with guilt if I couldn’t keep Terence at a distance. The over zealous guilt driven people pleasing would only lead to me becoming resentful. Being resentful would only make old behaviors reemerge, like trapping him in a wall and starving him to death. All I can do is the next right action and learn from my mistakes and eventually hope to not repeat them with the next guy.
Terence and Tommy lived in a fabulous house that Tommy designed for them and both were very happy in their careers. Unfortunately the lifestyle they were accustomed to was a farce. Tommy had found a cheat code to manipulate the income they earned. (Tommy’s defense was that it came from a “trust fund”)
Now I have a history of being passive aggressive in real life and the real version of Terence had a knack for pissing me off. Rather then confront Terence in a healthy manner or that would have been conducive to our relationship I chose to take out my hostilities on the computer version of him, and to make matters worse the ‘Sim’ version of Terence was very temperamental. I conjured many ways to torture him. I would remove the door from the wall trapping him in a room, them just enclose him in drywall to watch him cry and bang on the wall. Sometimes I would remove the toilets and bathroom fixtures till he would defecate on himself. I was very cruel. However not matter what I did as soon as ‘Sim’ Tommy would return home to find his lover trapped in a wall he would bang on the other side and they’d talk and virtual hearts would flutter.
One day while choosing to not torture Terence and just observe his day, the phone rang. It was a prank call. “THE END IS NEAR!” came out of the receiver. Terence was terrified and I was perplexed. What a dark and twisted thing to put into a game. This phone call persisted only when Terence was home alone. He would wait anxiously for Tommy to arrive. Finally playing god I decided that if I don’t like confronting my demons neither should my ‘Sims’ so I simply hid the phone and got an answering machine. One morning while Terence walked out the door to go to work he dropped dead. I stared at the computer monitor in disbelief. Tommy returned home to find a grave stone that the game placed right where he died. Tommy was devastated. He cried and cried and screamed and clearly was upset.
What was I going to do? This game was a reflection of my life. Like I always did I cheated my way out of the situation. I resurrected Terence. (kinda sorta) I quit the game without saving it and it restarted the day prior to his death. That day instead of letting him go to work I made him go swimming in the pool. Something wasn’t right as the weeks (in real time) went by. The phone calls became more persistent. Terence started suffering from even more anxiety. Then he dropped dead again. I restarted the game. He dropped dead again. Then one day I accidentally saved the game making Terence’s death unchangeable. Now the real Terence and I at this point were having real difficulties and some how my computer reflected this all back to me. I tried to get Tommy over his death but he just moped around and was so melancholy. He would walk up to Terence’s earn and cry and weep and mourn. He even started wearing black everyday.
Not soon after the real Terence and I split up for good. That was eight years and two months ago. Since that game I played the real Terence has had to be the innocent bystander to a lot of my wreckage. I don’t know how I can ever really make up to him all the horrible things I’ve done to him (via a computer game mostly) or to myself. I do look to him with a ton of respect and admiration. The reason why I have no romantic feeling towards Terence anymore is that I simply did enough damage to him. Regardless of how much I work to become a better person then I was, there is no way that I would be consumed with guilt if I couldn’t keep Terence at a distance. The over zealous guilt driven people pleasing would only lead to me becoming resentful. Being resentful would only make old behaviors reemerge, like trapping him in a wall and starving him to death. All I can do is the next right action and learn from my mistakes and eventually hope to not repeat them with the next guy.
I Practice Skepticism
Was I just asked out on a date by Solomon via my blog or did my new found Messiah just give me marching orders? I guess I’ll have to show up next week at Union Square Park to find out won’t I? Ok my followers you are all on “Orange Alert” If I come back spewing words of love and hugs find me and shoot me. Please bear in mind that we are encroaching on the end of my 90 day celibacy vow. (Ok I know it’s only 65 days in but buy Friday it will be 70 days that’s 10 weeks of nothing so who knows maybe I’m promoting free love and don’t even know it. Did someone put a hug me sign on my back? Then again I may be standing in the park with a sign…
Saturday, May 23, 2009
GIMME A HUG
I am a very touchy feeling huggable cuddly guy when I am dating someone. I can hug and kiss my friends but I always pull away first. What can I say hugging makes me uncomfortable. I can tell you that on average I probably hug anywhere from 10-25 people (mostly guys) a day.
Today I was working outside promoting an event when I ran out of fliers. I was then recruited by the “Free Hugs” cult. I really don’t even know where to begin to describe how much my skin crawls at the thought of touching strangers. Now I’m an outgoing friendly person. At least I can pretend to be very well. No I’m not claiming to be a member of the “Actors’ Studio” but I can fake the funk in order to survive and navigate society. Hugging is just too much for me.
So there I stand in Union Square Park with a giant “Free Hugs” sign in my hand and total strangers accosting me with their open arms. Let me take you to where my mind goes: crazy people touch strangers, crazy people don’t bathe, dirty crazy people have lice, dirty crazy lice infested people have germs, dirty crazy infested people are prime candidates for the “Swine Flu” OMG I felt something jump off that ladies head and land on my arm. I start feeling itchy all over. Great now I have probably have lice and the “Swine Flu” I’m not into the hippy long barefoot (or in sox) curly hair hemp wearing types but “Solomon” the “Leader of the “F H” cult doesn’t smell like Patchouli oil and B.O. But what really gets my goat is that the guy “Solomon” if that’s his real name radiates sex. Maybe that’s how these things work. I don’t know I have no idea what the real motive of the ‘F H’ people are but I am really wanting a long lingering (take in the location of various points of pressure) hug from him.
I’m not hugging strangers to get a free hug though. I have plenty of friends to choose from to have inappropriate body contact with. I will mention that I have 26 days left till I reassess the celibacy thing. So if I tell you I need a hug and I don’t let go lets just blame it on the cult.
Today I was working outside promoting an event when I ran out of fliers. I was then recruited by the “Free Hugs” cult. I really don’t even know where to begin to describe how much my skin crawls at the thought of touching strangers. Now I’m an outgoing friendly person. At least I can pretend to be very well. No I’m not claiming to be a member of the “Actors’ Studio” but I can fake the funk in order to survive and navigate society. Hugging is just too much for me.
So there I stand in Union Square Park with a giant “Free Hugs” sign in my hand and total strangers accosting me with their open arms. Let me take you to where my mind goes: crazy people touch strangers, crazy people don’t bathe, dirty crazy people have lice, dirty crazy lice infested people have germs, dirty crazy infested people are prime candidates for the “Swine Flu” OMG I felt something jump off that ladies head and land on my arm. I start feeling itchy all over. Great now I have probably have lice and the “Swine Flu” I’m not into the hippy long barefoot (or in sox) curly hair hemp wearing types but “Solomon” the “Leader of the “F H” cult doesn’t smell like Patchouli oil and B.O. But what really gets my goat is that the guy “Solomon” if that’s his real name radiates sex. Maybe that’s how these things work. I don’t know I have no idea what the real motive of the ‘F H’ people are but I am really wanting a long lingering (take in the location of various points of pressure) hug from him.
I’m not hugging strangers to get a free hug though. I have plenty of friends to choose from to have inappropriate body contact with. I will mention that I have 26 days left till I reassess the celibacy thing. So if I tell you I need a hug and I don’t let go lets just blame it on the cult.
Philadelphia Freedom
Ok so I think by now you guys have heard of enough of my resentments towards men and I thought it was time for a change of pace. After all you now know about Anthony aka Doink, Doctor Josh, Rich, Velcroboy, and innuendo to some that will be brought up later. The jury is still out on Officer Abercrombie.
I think I need to mention that there are some amazing men in my life. Guys that I can count on to answer the phone and just listen. Spot me a 20 if I’m broke or treat me to dinner. I have to admit that I’m very fortunate to have as many people in my life that I can call friends. The reason I titled this entry ‘Philadelphia Freedom’ is because of 2 guys in my life from the city of brotherly love.
I will start with the one I just met. His name is Matt and he’s a very attractive 25 year old that is just charming. I recently met him while painting my friend/boss’s office. He was one of the hired painters. Now I’m gay man in NYC so can you just imagine how many Show Tune Queens I’ve met in my life. I can go as far as to say that most of them are some of the most annoying people I’ve ever met. Now I can’t sing to save my life so I’m not calling anyone talentless, I’m just saying that I have to many of my own issues to waste my time stroking other peoples egos’ when all I feel like saying sometimes is “Your Midwest parents and Midwest teachers have really just been blowing smoke up your ass so stop looking at me like I’m the bad guy cause I won’t tell you how wonderful you are!” Don’t act like you’ve never thought it when someone is telling you about what they do when they’re not serving food at T.G.I.F.
Now Matt is a singer and all that Jazz but he’s got a really good head on his shoulders. I’m not going to go into it and divulge too much personal info on him. Suffice it to say he’s actually working doing what he loves. The reason why I am giving him this shout out is because he’s really reinstalled a sense of hope that somewhere out there, there is someone right for me and that there are guys that do live up to my standards and some of them I’m actually attracted to. Was I going to make a move on Matt? Yes I was when we were painting together alone we came pretty close to one another and I really had to resist grabbing him and planting a kiss. It would not have helped my celibacy vow. (63 days today btw) I’ve had the opportunity to work with Matt via our mutual boss several times and the more I have gotten to know him the more I know he’s the perfect guy for someone, just not me. He is pursuing his career and is young, no where near the settling down point. Also he travels a lot for work. I’m way to high maintenance to have to wait around for someone that’s always out of town or gone for months at a time. As healthy as I get mentally these days I know what my wants, needs & boundaries are. So thank you Matt for being the amazing guy you are and giving me hope that not all guys I meet are assholes.
Now last but not least my favorite Philadelphian in the whole world Terence. (Which btw gave me an awesome title for a blog entry; as soon as it is prevalent I’ll use it.) While at dinner with Terence last night at the ‘Tic Toc Diner’ I was amazed to see that while it has been 5 years since we’ve seen each other and almost 10 since we dated, that he still puts his finger over the top of the straw to air seal it and then sips from the bottom of it. Now it wasn’t his usual grape soda but it’s been a decade since we sat in a dinner and eat together I couldn’t help but feel a sense of safety sitting across from him. Tonight while out to dinner with my friends at “The Dish” I caught myself doing the straw thing. I realize that I do it once in a while when he’s on my mind. Now I don’t have any romantic feelings for Terence any more but I can honestly say this is someone that I love very deeply. He has bared witness to much of my insanity and even when I was still digging a basement after I hit rock bottom he never verbally judged and he always picks up when I call. When we were together I couldn’t cope with my life and was even more irritated by his ability to repel negative energy. It has taken 10 years a therapist 12 steps and a lot of soul searching for me to be able to build my own bubble of tranquility. I thank you Terence for the blueprint. I thank you for tolerating me and all the mischief of my 20’s. Every time my bubble burst you were always there to give me a little bit of air when I needed it.
So keep up the good work Philly you make an awesome product.
I think I need to mention that there are some amazing men in my life. Guys that I can count on to answer the phone and just listen. Spot me a 20 if I’m broke or treat me to dinner. I have to admit that I’m very fortunate to have as many people in my life that I can call friends. The reason I titled this entry ‘Philadelphia Freedom’ is because of 2 guys in my life from the city of brotherly love.
I will start with the one I just met. His name is Matt and he’s a very attractive 25 year old that is just charming. I recently met him while painting my friend/boss’s office. He was one of the hired painters. Now I’m gay man in NYC so can you just imagine how many Show Tune Queens I’ve met in my life. I can go as far as to say that most of them are some of the most annoying people I’ve ever met. Now I can’t sing to save my life so I’m not calling anyone talentless, I’m just saying that I have to many of my own issues to waste my time stroking other peoples egos’ when all I feel like saying sometimes is “Your Midwest parents and Midwest teachers have really just been blowing smoke up your ass so stop looking at me like I’m the bad guy cause I won’t tell you how wonderful you are!” Don’t act like you’ve never thought it when someone is telling you about what they do when they’re not serving food at T.G.I.F.
Now Matt is a singer and all that Jazz but he’s got a really good head on his shoulders. I’m not going to go into it and divulge too much personal info on him. Suffice it to say he’s actually working doing what he loves. The reason why I am giving him this shout out is because he’s really reinstalled a sense of hope that somewhere out there, there is someone right for me and that there are guys that do live up to my standards and some of them I’m actually attracted to. Was I going to make a move on Matt? Yes I was when we were painting together alone we came pretty close to one another and I really had to resist grabbing him and planting a kiss. It would not have helped my celibacy vow. (63 days today btw) I’ve had the opportunity to work with Matt via our mutual boss several times and the more I have gotten to know him the more I know he’s the perfect guy for someone, just not me. He is pursuing his career and is young, no where near the settling down point. Also he travels a lot for work. I’m way to high maintenance to have to wait around for someone that’s always out of town or gone for months at a time. As healthy as I get mentally these days I know what my wants, needs & boundaries are. So thank you Matt for being the amazing guy you are and giving me hope that not all guys I meet are assholes.
Now last but not least my favorite Philadelphian in the whole world Terence. (Which btw gave me an awesome title for a blog entry; as soon as it is prevalent I’ll use it.) While at dinner with Terence last night at the ‘Tic Toc Diner’ I was amazed to see that while it has been 5 years since we’ve seen each other and almost 10 since we dated, that he still puts his finger over the top of the straw to air seal it and then sips from the bottom of it. Now it wasn’t his usual grape soda but it’s been a decade since we sat in a dinner and eat together I couldn’t help but feel a sense of safety sitting across from him. Tonight while out to dinner with my friends at “The Dish” I caught myself doing the straw thing. I realize that I do it once in a while when he’s on my mind. Now I don’t have any romantic feelings for Terence any more but I can honestly say this is someone that I love very deeply. He has bared witness to much of my insanity and even when I was still digging a basement after I hit rock bottom he never verbally judged and he always picks up when I call. When we were together I couldn’t cope with my life and was even more irritated by his ability to repel negative energy. It has taken 10 years a therapist 12 steps and a lot of soul searching for me to be able to build my own bubble of tranquility. I thank you Terence for the blueprint. I thank you for tolerating me and all the mischief of my 20’s. Every time my bubble burst you were always there to give me a little bit of air when I needed it.
So keep up the good work Philly you make an awesome product.
Friday, May 22, 2009
PARANORMAL TELE-CUMMUNICATIONS
In the rooms of recovery we are brainwashed with slogans. I especially enjoy the metaphors we use to describe the disease of addiction. i.e. “I have a built in forgetter” “I suffer from a disease of amnesia” “I suffer from the disease of mind reading.” Now the first two refer to the fact that addiction is a disease where you try to convince yourself you don’t have a disease. I for one was convinced that I wasn’t an addict rather someone that responded well to my drug of choice and simply adapted my lifestyle to better suit my habit. The ‘mind reading’ comment refers to issue that most addicts suffer from, we tend to believe that we know what others are thinking and use that to validate or excuses for using. I bring up the clairvoyance topic due to the fact that I believe in it. Not that I can tell exactly what’s on your mind or even put ideas in your head but I do that some people are empathic and can read signs from people close to them and for those that are very good at this even strangers. I believe I am an empathic person. I mention this because I think we are all empathic to an extent.
I think I have been sending out some of my own very confusing signals these last few days. (It could just be pheromones) Today is 62 days into my 90 day vow of celibacy. In the last week I’ve received to e-mails from my last boy friend in AZ which I haven’t heard from in over a year. This morning I was having a strange Instant Messenger conversation with ‘Officer Abercrombie’ my internet boyfriend (I’ll explain later) and ran into Doctor Josh today on the street on my way to acupuncture. I congratulated him on being married and he asked me to meet him in the bathroom. I should have agreed and stood him up but I just said “No thanx.” Oh and I had lunch with my ex Terence from Philly who hasn’t scene me since I was an active tweaker in ‘04. (Terence is the only reference point I have to a healthy relationship or anything close to it) We dated for just over a year from late Dec ’99 till the spring of ’01.
As much as we can read other people I think the difficult part is reading my own emotional radio station. I can always tell when my friends are upset or not comfortable. However when I am upset or sad or bothered I know I try very hard to hide it but my friends can always call me out on it. No matter how I try to control my posture or keep my shoulders relaxed and maintain my composure by not fidgeting or biting my lip a friend will always look right through my eyes down to my core and ask what’s wrong. I can deny it all I want but my face always gives me away they tell me. I think the same can be said for telecommunications. They use this sort of stuff in forensic sciences all the time. Writing analyses is especially common when they read emails and text messages. You can tell a lot from a person by the way they usually write a letter, the sentence structure they use, the vocabulary, and the grammar.
Ok so I need to explain ‘Officer Abercrombie’. He’s this 25 year old cop that lives by my last apartment in Manhattan. He’s super sweet and like all the guys I really like he’s completely unavailable. We have been chatting online having cyber sex phone sex shoot the breeze conversations you name it for about a year now. We have only met once. He’s adorable! I have no idea what to expect of him nor do I put any expectations on him. He’s the only guy that is really under my skin. Even after a year of him standing me up, just using me for internet sex etc I still make time for him. (here’s where I make excuses for him) He’s a cop he works nights and a crazy shifts. So I can’t stay too mad at him for falling asleep after protecting the peace for 12 hours. No matter what though, he always says hello to me when he sees me online. Granted it’s usually to have webcam sex or something like that. Needless to say when I took my celibacy vow he was the first one I blocked on ‘AIM’ before I could block him though I had a family emergency and he was a shoulder to cry on. I told him I was going to block him for a while to clear my head and he understood. 4 weeks later I decided to unblock him and wouldn’t you know it he I.M.’d me within an hour. Now he has drunk dialed me and done some stupid stuff but before his language was always sexual. Always making innuendo or flat out saying something to do with cock and ass. Recently this has changed. He started messaging me while he was car shopping and doing other random things. He always talks to me when he goes to see his family. Now we’re just talking like normal people lately. I saw a bunch of cops the other day so I told him I was thinking about him. (I can’t help it he’s a cute young cop so every time I see a young cop I think about him) I tell him this and that I worry about him and he tells me he loves that I think about him. I know I’m not waiting for him to stop what he’s doing and I’m not sitting around waiting for him to be ready but I am uber confused by him.
That’s why I’m saying these communications are paranormal. I asked him what’s on his mind because something is different and I can tell by how he’s typing. He starts to say something sweet and then he says “never mind” and “I think you’re a really cool dude & you’re hot… that’s all” Maybe I’m just reading way more in these messages then there really is. I know I have a tendency to do that. Look I’m not trying to turn our relationship into anything that its not. I’m not an alchemist. I just wish there was a sure fire way to interpret people.
I think I have been sending out some of my own very confusing signals these last few days. (It could just be pheromones) Today is 62 days into my 90 day vow of celibacy. In the last week I’ve received to e-mails from my last boy friend in AZ which I haven’t heard from in over a year. This morning I was having a strange Instant Messenger conversation with ‘Officer Abercrombie’ my internet boyfriend (I’ll explain later) and ran into Doctor Josh today on the street on my way to acupuncture. I congratulated him on being married and he asked me to meet him in the bathroom. I should have agreed and stood him up but I just said “No thanx.” Oh and I had lunch with my ex Terence from Philly who hasn’t scene me since I was an active tweaker in ‘04. (Terence is the only reference point I have to a healthy relationship or anything close to it) We dated for just over a year from late Dec ’99 till the spring of ’01.
As much as we can read other people I think the difficult part is reading my own emotional radio station. I can always tell when my friends are upset or not comfortable. However when I am upset or sad or bothered I know I try very hard to hide it but my friends can always call me out on it. No matter how I try to control my posture or keep my shoulders relaxed and maintain my composure by not fidgeting or biting my lip a friend will always look right through my eyes down to my core and ask what’s wrong. I can deny it all I want but my face always gives me away they tell me. I think the same can be said for telecommunications. They use this sort of stuff in forensic sciences all the time. Writing analyses is especially common when they read emails and text messages. You can tell a lot from a person by the way they usually write a letter, the sentence structure they use, the vocabulary, and the grammar.
Ok so I need to explain ‘Officer Abercrombie’. He’s this 25 year old cop that lives by my last apartment in Manhattan. He’s super sweet and like all the guys I really like he’s completely unavailable. We have been chatting online having cyber sex phone sex shoot the breeze conversations you name it for about a year now. We have only met once. He’s adorable! I have no idea what to expect of him nor do I put any expectations on him. He’s the only guy that is really under my skin. Even after a year of him standing me up, just using me for internet sex etc I still make time for him. (here’s where I make excuses for him) He’s a cop he works nights and a crazy shifts. So I can’t stay too mad at him for falling asleep after protecting the peace for 12 hours. No matter what though, he always says hello to me when he sees me online. Granted it’s usually to have webcam sex or something like that. Needless to say when I took my celibacy vow he was the first one I blocked on ‘AIM’ before I could block him though I had a family emergency and he was a shoulder to cry on. I told him I was going to block him for a while to clear my head and he understood. 4 weeks later I decided to unblock him and wouldn’t you know it he I.M.’d me within an hour. Now he has drunk dialed me and done some stupid stuff but before his language was always sexual. Always making innuendo or flat out saying something to do with cock and ass. Recently this has changed. He started messaging me while he was car shopping and doing other random things. He always talks to me when he goes to see his family. Now we’re just talking like normal people lately. I saw a bunch of cops the other day so I told him I was thinking about him. (I can’t help it he’s a cute young cop so every time I see a young cop I think about him) I tell him this and that I worry about him and he tells me he loves that I think about him. I know I’m not waiting for him to stop what he’s doing and I’m not sitting around waiting for him to be ready but I am uber confused by him.
That’s why I’m saying these communications are paranormal. I asked him what’s on his mind because something is different and I can tell by how he’s typing. He starts to say something sweet and then he says “never mind” and “I think you’re a really cool dude & you’re hot… that’s all” Maybe I’m just reading way more in these messages then there really is. I know I have a tendency to do that. Look I’m not trying to turn our relationship into anything that its not. I’m not an alchemist. I just wish there was a sure fire way to interpret people.
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