RIP James

Dear James
I learned of your passing yesterday and if you’re listening I want you to know that I truly miss you. I want to apologize for not making more of an effort to stay in contact with you. I kept wondering why you haven't responded to my messages on facebook but I never made an effort to call you or even check your page or I'd have known more about what's going on.
I want to thank you for helping me find my voice on this blog when I first started it. Your creative criticism was always encouraging. Every time I make an entry I ask myself does this sound like me so thank you for helping me be heard even from behind a computer screen. One day hopefully I will tell people about our funny adventures all over NY State, and the circumstances of how we met.
Thank you for being such a bright light in my life when everything was going dark. Your friendship really brought joy and hope to my life and I won't forget that. Hopefully sharing your memory will give others a little bit of light in a darker world now that you’re gone.

Love
Tommy

Truer words

I had a great conversation this morning with my aunt. We caught each other up on the commas and punctuations in our life since we last spoke. Sharing each others sadness and joy in a understanding way that only family can.
No advice unless solicited but just the "yes I hear what your saying" (in an Italian boogie down Bronx kinda style) that resonating hum that let's each other know we love each other and hear one another.

The same great recipe of family dialogue, a cup of, how this one is and a handful of, "do you remember so and so from the block?".  With a zest of "Who is that?" and then we spice it up with the new stuff. A scoop of good and a pinch of bad kneeded over some bitter sweet and viola. 

It’s filling satisfying and leaves a lingering in your heart for a morsel more. 

As we were making our way through the check list of ingredients (family members) the same 2 were discussed as always my mother and father and as its been for the past year of my life mom's flavor of crazy was left on the shelf and for almost 5 years dads zesty shenanigans are left to enjoy the Florida sun and penal system.

For a moment I forgot who I was, what happened to the kid from Carpenter Ave. that cried over anything? I had to ask my aunt where he went. I’ve gotten myself so trained that my knee jerk reaction to any probing about those two are to act like I barely recall them. As if they were just another one of the other random people from the block that I get confused with. Then I feel bad that I don’t remember who they are when they should be associated with fond memories.

Then my Aunt as only she can do said “I know you and you’re still that same person, he never went anywhere. You just learned how to deal with that sooner then anyone else.” She went on to say other stuff to make me feel better. It was just what I needed to hear too, because as much as I’m the first one to figure out who is bad for me, I’m the last to know when what I’m doing is right for me.

Dear Mom

Dear Mom

Thank you for violating my privacy by disclosing my HIV status to everyone in our family after I asked you not to. Thank you for giving my phone number to my father. It was wonderful talking to him on Sunday afternoon while he was intoxicated. It was even better when he called me Monday evening when he was high. Thank you for degrading my career choices. I appreciated the phone calls from random people with employment advice. I I apologize for the 5 years of my life where I let things get out control and I let my life go down the toilet. I appreciate you taking me in and trying to help me get my life together. Part of getting my life together has included ridding myself of the chemical physical and mental toxins in my life. Not having you in my life has removed a major stress factor in my life. Moving to NYC made my t-cells jump from 325 to 425, and in the 6 months that I've not been in contact with you they have increased to over 500. I have started a wonderful career in the private sector that i love and I am starting college this spring. I will also be celebrating my 2 year anniversary this March. I did relapse on cigarettes after I had to explain my health and HIV status with my Aunt.

You may think that your actions are always benevolent and you can stand by what ever defense you choose to explain them but it doesn't change the outcome or how they effect me or the people that you enlist. I'm sorry for all the things I've put you through and I'm sorry that I don't make choices you agree with but the only way to stop causing each other pain is to cut the cord and so I have. I'm not living my life to make anyone but myself happy and I'm not apologizing for it anymore. I don't have any need for the things you offer to me like house and money. The only conditions and terms I accept in my life are terms that require meeting my goals and making myself happy and healthy.

In making amends to myself I can no longer allow toxic people in my life and in making amends to you all I can do apologize for my past and say good bye. I have changed my phone number and I have filtered my email acct so that anything I receive from you is sent to a junk folder. If and when something happens that information needs to be sent to me I'm sure there is channel that you will find.

I love you and wish you find the sense of peace I have found in my life.

Your Son
Thomas

“I am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t live without each other love.”

I was walking back to the office today from an errand when this scene from “Sex in the City” popped in my head, I couldn't help but wonder when was the last time I made an entry in my blog? I know my last few had been pretty whiny and angry and I didn't even post the ones that I had written a few months ago because I knew they were just coming from such a desperate lonely place. I was pretty miserable for a while but thankfully I snapped out of it. A dear friend called me the other night scolding me about how I needed to see how far I've come and why I got sober and he was right. Fortunately I had had some action recently and that really put me in a much better mood.

Yes I’m still holding out for Mr. Right even if my cynical side is expecting him to be arriving D.O.A. but I have to look at the bright side and my boss actually helped me see this. Maybe none of the guys I've met are the right one but at least I’m putting myself out there and at least I’m getting dates. Am I looking in the right places? I don’t know but I’m not leaving and stone un-turned. If he’s out there I’m going to find him and when I do he’s going to be happy. I can’t say that I’m not happy where my life is right now. I have job I enjoy, friends that I care about and I’m surrounded by wonderful people. I’m going back to school in the spring and I've lost 40lbs I’m skinny again and am looking pretty damn good. I am just missing one accessory and that’s ok.

Everything happens when it’s supposed to happen and I have faith that it will. So maybe I have to adjust my rules a little bit to avoid the ‘HALT’. I may not have found exactly what I’m looking for yet but the more I try the more I am sure of what I don’t want and that’s better that not knowing what you want. Like my Aunt said or quoted “You may not even remember where or when you first had it, but once you get a taste of it you’ll keep searching for it and you can’t give up until you do” So here’s to the relentless pursuit of LOVE where ever it maybe and to the joy of the hunt bring it on boys!

WIN AT LOVE? I CAN’T EVEN WIN AT SOLITAIRE!

So I think its time to crawl back under a rock with a three years supply of Ben & Jerry’s Chubby Hubby and eat it in 4 months. At least when I was still fat I could understand why getting a date was difficult but I’m 158lbs I have a 31.5 waist I’m hung like a donkey, I’m smart and I’m not ugly either and not just because my aunt says so.

I’ve made my profiles all of them poz.com adam4adam manhunt and every other site I’ve been on I’ve made it clear that I’m not looking for guys with boyfriends or guys that are just looking for sex so what do I get now? I get guys with boyfriends that are looking for friends and threesomes or still just guys with boyfriends that want to fuck. Or guys that chase after me for a week and then fall of the face of the earth. I’m done but I don’t know what direction to go in from this point. I feel like I’ve been holding on to this ideal in my mind that if I just keep holding out for the right guy for the right fit that sooner or later its gonna happen but it’s a lot fucking later. (This is not for comment from any of my recovery friends if you give me some bullshit life on life’s terms lines I will fucking slap you!) I’m seriously ready to just move pull another geographic and disappear and start over again.

I came home to NYC to get clean and you know what I’m clean the side effects of sobriety have been wonderful, I’m employed I’m busy I have a life etc etc etc but the only reason I got sober was because the big that was not working in my life was that I always felt alone. I sucked on a crystal pipe alone. I did everything alone only because I was a successful drug dealer people were always willing to hangout with me till I kicked them out. Now I’m sober almost 2 years and I just feel more alone. I don’t go to meetings for a week no one calls me to check on me, they tell other people to call me because I’m a reliable source of information on this or that but no one really misses me when I’m not around.

I’ve gained to much to give up on myself specifically to go back to using but I’m done with this life I’m living it’s not what I wanted and the beneficial side effects aren’t totally up to anything worth holding onto so I need to change something. So heads up people I’m going in a different direction and I’m not looking back.

Lonely In Translation

When I'm alone and can't seem to meet anyone interested in me my fears and insecurities of being alone forever rise to the surface. When someone tells me exactly what I want to hear my fears of being lied to and manipulated show their face. When I meet someone I'm interested in all I can do is judge myself about why I'm not worthy of them. These are the issues I work on the most. In gay language I don’t think we have a word for dating. You're either boyfriends, fuck buddies or a quicky/hookup, we don't even do one night stands the thought of waking up next to someone, well that just too intimate. So how do you approach someone you're interested in them without sounding desperate and or lonely or worse clingy?

I had a date last night and I want to give myself a pat on the back for not doing my normal B.I.C.S. (Bull in China Shop) routine of here's all my issues take it or leave it crap. I'm not going to get into all the details of why this guy stands out but I will say I had a wonderful time. But here's what's so fucking crazy I left the date with the typical addict mentality questioning everything. I keep playing the tape back in my head I should have played footsies with him I should have touched him I shouldn't have told that joke or that story blah blah blah blah blah but even if I did scare him off or freak him out which I don't think I did, kudos to me for catching myself every time I almost went down my normal pit falls. I mean shit I'm not saying this guy is the one but I like him so I don't really need to drop my life story on the 1st date. If my ultimate goal is a healthy relationship then I need to start behaving in healthy ways right? So maybe he had a good time with me and maybe he wants to see me again maybe he'll text me today, maybe this strange uncomfortable feeling is how normal healthy people behave. I don't know yet we'll just have to see.

The highlight of my evening was when my neighbor got home and told me what happened on his date. Not that I enjoy his misery or drama, however I do make note of his wrong turns to help me avoid the same mistakes. He took his boyfriend (the guy he met 2 weeks ago) to a concert and apparently the guy didn't like the music so he just walked out on him. Now first off my co-worker tried to get me to take my date to a show tonight but I wasn't gonna force my appreciation of theatre onto my date when I barely know him or his taste. Second I wanted to be able to converse to get to know him so dinner was a much better plan. Third I'm not going to stand for being walked out on at a venue so why risk that embarrassment with someone I just met.

So I have no idea where I'm heading with this stuff but I have feeling that since this felt so different from my usual actions that this was actually a really good step in the right direction. Whichever way that is and even if I did do something my date didn't like at least I can say that I can tell I'm getting better at the things I'm working on so we’ll see…

Quantum Relationships

I don’t know maybe I’m just looking for someone just like me? But if that’s the case I know I’m never going to find it because I know how unique I am not that I’m trying to sound egotistical here I just mean I don’t operate on the same levels as most of the gay men I meet. I guess being raised in a female house hold where a woman’s reputation was important and the fact that my sexuality was accepted from the beginning spared me some of the issues I see most guys suffer from. However it also kept me from accepting the promiscuousness of our culture. Unfortunately my wild crazy drug days exposed me to certain types of fun that the vanilla goodie two shoes boys aren’t into. So the guys that are looking for the serious relationships are never my type either.

I’m not afraid of putting sex on the shelf, I’ve done it before and I am considering doing it again. I’m sick of my recovery friends telling me how great I am and great I look and how I’ll meet someone when it’s right because it’s been right for a long time now. I mean yeah I’ve only been sober for 19 and a half months but I’ve been the same person my whole life. And yes I gained some weight when I got clean but now that I’ve lost it I’m suddenly more appealing and less annoying but the insides and the thought processes were still the same. I don’t mean to knock recovery but the only x factor I can find is the fact that my recovery has completely blocked any possibility to get in a relationship. I have said this for a long time the longer I stay sober the lower my tolerance levels get. I’m not saying I’m turning my back on recovery at all, I can look at the big picture here and you know what yes my life is easily a thousand times better but I have to be doing something wrong somewhere I just don’t know what it is. Am I too picky? You know what maybe so but yes I want someone closer to my age, that is thin preferably taller then me with a full head of hair that actually wants to spend the night in the south Bronx.

I have made a vow to myself that next year I’m stepping back from all my service commitments. I have taken too much on my plate this year. I know they have helped me stay clean but it’s true I see it making me resentful of recovery and that’s a slippery slope. I think finding balance is far more complicated then quantum physics.

Dear Mister Right

I don’t know who you are or what you look like or even what you do in your spare time, but clearly it is not spent with me. Maybe you got lost on your way and are stuck on the subway. Well I hope you can find your way back home because I am turning my lights of and going to bed.

Maybe you were waiting for me while I was lost in my world of unhealthy behavior. Maybe you walked past me on the street and didn’t know it was me or maybe you lost my number and have been looking franticly through your pockets but either way I think its best that we just move on. Maybe you’re still mad at me for all the dumb decisions I made in my life or are waiting for me to learn some sort of lesson from all the wrong guys I’ve dated. This passive aggressive behavior is not becoming of you.

If you do decide to attempt to contact me I will appreciate the phone call but at this time I have nothing to say to you. I wish you well in your endeavors and hope you can do the same for me. Clearly you need more time and space then I’m willing to give so GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!

You might recognize me from an episode of cops

No I was never actually in an episode of cops but wouldn't that be fucked up if I was? Not shocking but unlikely. I look back at my life and the people I associated with like my ecstasy dealer in Ft. Myers that was on an episode of cops where he got arrested on Virginia beach cause he was drunk and acting a fool. Then there was my apartment in Ft. Myers that an episode of cops was filmed when they busted some hookers and a crack dealing pimp. Ah the good old days. How did my life lead me to these sketchy places and shady people? Oh yeah cause I'm an addict and I was digging deep for my bottom.

It's kind of funny how my life has made such a 180. I eventually started working for a criminal justice program where I had to pretend to be an upright citizen while still getting high. I figured as long as I stayed on the paying retail end of the drug world I'd manage. Did someone say unmanageability? I really did I convinced myself if I didn't go back to my drug slinging ways everything would be just fine. FYI it didn't. I still used like a dealer with an unlimited supply and had to go much further lengths to maintain it. I can truly say this was my bottom. Thank god I didn't end up on an episode of cops!

AND THEY'RE OFF!

In horse racing there is the Triple Crown race starting with the Kentucky derby, followed by the Preakness stakes in Baltimore and finished by the Belmont stakes here in NY. I feel like I have met a few studs that all have a great chance of winning a race for me but the odds of them being a Triple Crown or a third date are as good as Palin’s teenage parental daughter of being a nun. Maybe even a little higher then the challenged one's chances of going to MIT. But that could happen if Palin became president and forced all elite schools like MIT and Harvard to teach intelligent design she could probably get Kirk Cameron as her running mate but I digress.

I won't lie I did sort of give up for a while I resifted what I was focusing on in life and really spent some serious time concentrating on my recovery. Not that I didn't date or have sex I just didn't let it get in the way of focusing on meeting and other 12 step stuff first and foremost. Now that I feel like I have a decently stocked recovery tool box I've started some repairs in other areas of my life. Like loosing weight, I've lost over 20lbs and people are noticing and I like it. Also I'm not uncomfortable anymore by my attractiveness. Before being an addict that assumes to read peoples minds when I was thin in my past I just knew people were undressing me with there eyes and it made me feel sexualized and not good, bow I say fuck it if you like what you see tell me. I've even gone back to work fulltime in a new job and it’s been kicking my ass but in a good way I am actually tired and have a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day.

The last winner of the Triple Crown was 'affirmed' in '78 the year I was conceived. Hey if we've waited over 31 years for another triple crown I guess I can't complain about waiting over 30 years for finding my special someone.

Future Reference

I just figured I should let you all know that do some schedule changes I can no longer deliver an entry every Sunday night/Monday morning but I will still be trying my hardest to make an entry every week. Just so you know this addict has been dating alot and now even has sponsees and now a new job so my schedule is crazy but just imagine all the juicy stories I'll be telling you soon!

HE HAD IT COMING

He had it coming all along! If you had been there, if you had seen it how could you tell me that I was wrong!

Oh how I hate the thought of my 9th step amends. Like most addicts I have tons of war stories and sketchy shady things I’ve done but one thing that still haunts me is the night I stabbed my boyfriend. I’m sure some of you are saying “I can’t imagine you hurting a fly” and others are thinking: mental note never sit near Tommy again that bitch is crazy!
I don’t think I need to explain to you guys that when this happened I was tweaked off my ass. When I lived in Tucson things really started to unravel but like a good addict I said I could handle it and it was all under control. And like anyone who’s completed the first step knows I am powerless over others and outside things. Well when I’m tweaked I like to think I’m god and have control over the world and being the one who always had the stash I thought I could control and manipulate those around me.

So where do I begin this event? I was preparing to do something I was not supposed to be doing as per federal laws and my boyfriend was trying to get my attention. Now mind you he usually got involved in a project and ignored me so I felt like getting even with him so I choose to concentrate on package I was preparing. In my boyfriends manifestation of paranoia he always accused me of fucking the guys I was doing business with and stuff so as my “client” kept calling me to find out when he could expect his delivery my boyfriend started to get restless and irritated and this fell into my plan perfectly. My goal was to teach him a lesson. I figured once he got to the breaking point I would say “HA see how it feels? This is what you do to me every time we get high! I just want to make love to you and you just want to go wash the car!” I doubt my tweaked brain could form these words anyway let alone a sentence. Some how I stopped doing what I was doing and started concentrating on the boyfriend but I think by this point it was too late he was done with me. We began to argue and push each other and shove. He threatened to call the cops and I flipped. How dare he call the cops on me with the cell phone that I pay for? On the phone that I just bought him, the phone that I still owe t-mobile about $350 dollars for. (Don’t get in on me on financial amends people I’ve already paid back about $5000 dollars and that was just in my first 16 months of struggling to get clean and failing) T-mobile will get there money soon enough. Now where was I? Oh yeah I’m livid that he’s threatening to call the cops and report me on “MY PHONE” that I got him as a gift. So I threaten to call T-mobile to get the line cut off. He goes to make a call and I call t-mobile when in my paranoia think he’s really calling the cops and we start trying to fight the phones out of each others arms.

Then he throws my water pipe on the floor getting glass and perfectly good tina water (I liked to save it for you know what guys, I’m not gonna explain that here my aunt reads this) everywhere. Now here’s another little aside, I have this little hobby of making structures from toothpicks that I learned in architecture class in HS. Because I was working on it earlier that night and because I was doing something with a box that I needed a box cutter I left it on the desk. When my ex and I started arguing and pushing one another I decided to put it in my pocket. I figured incase it got out of control I could scare him off. Well after the shoving match over the phones my brilliant tweaker thinking said pull out the box cutter and chases him out the apartment. I really had no intention of actually hurting him I did and still do love him. Well as I swung the box cutter in the air I must have really scared the living shit out him because he already had his keys in his hand and it so happens that he kept pepper spray on his chain and he sprayed me.

“Have you ever got cum in your eye Gabriel? It BURNS!” Well have you ever been pepper sprayed? It burns WAY MORE! Now between the mixture of smoking a ton of crystal and being up for a while and being in a very evil mood I snapped. I reacted and screamed and started slashing the air. He was already running for the door. There was one moment where I knew I could have swung and sliced him open but I pretended that I was completely blind and slashed the other way to give him a chance to get away from me and I was thinking he’s stop and say “sorry” and help me wash my eyes out. Well he kept going for the door and while running up behind him I closed the box cutter so that just the smallest amount of the blade was protruding so that if I did catch him he would just get a scratch. (I was being thoughtful even after being pepper sprayed I told myself like pulling a blade on my boyfriend is normal not that I didn’t learn this from watching my mother) I should also explain that by NYC standards my apartment was huge a good 650-700 square feet and not NYC square feet but that was the actual size of the apartment so it was a good distance from the kitchen through the dining room into the living room where the from door was. Well he got caught at the door trying to unlock it and I half blind caught the back of his thigh as he tried to kick me away in defense. He got away and I figured I just scratched him. He’d go drive around and come back and everything would go back to normal. We’d keep getting high. I run to the bathroom to wash the spray out of my eyes so that I could hide the obscene about of crystal I had in my apartment just in case the cops showed up.

I look back at this and I’m really disgusted with myself. I wasn’t worried about him or that I stabbed him or that I was just pepper sprayed. My soul concern was to hide my drugs so that I didn’t go to prison and so that if I did get arrested for assault I’d be able to go home and get high again. So I hid the drugs in a pretty good spot cause when the cops showed up they were there for about 2 hours and never found the stash. They found the broken pipe and the box cutter with his blood on it. I tried to lie and tell the cops that he got cut when I threw the broken pipe at him after he freaked out and threw it on the floor. The cops sat with me and opened the windows to help air out my apartment. The cops in Tucson are used to arriving at tweaker incidents’ so they didn’t seem shocked. I assume that my boyfriend informed them that I was a drug dealer and that I was trafficking large quantities of crystal in various ways because they really ransacked my apartment. I hadn’t gotten my living room furniture yet so they really only tore up my bedroom kitchen and bathroom (and no I’m not telling you where I hid the stuff but it will be in the book so if you know a publisher get me a book deal and we’ll talk) and I thought it was hysterical when they pulled the little zip-loc baggie of catnip out and asked me what it was. I explained that it was for my cat Pete. They weren’t buying it but I told them to smell it and look at the cat react to it. When they started to search my apartment I realized or was just paranoid enough about the whole situation that I decided to pull one of my Jedi mind tricks (cause I know how to manipulate very well). I said to the cop that my boyfriend probably told you I was a drug dealer cause before he flipped out he started saying crazy stuff like that and he started accusing me of being some big dealer from NYC. (IMAGINE THAT) The cops asked who’s stuff were we smoking so of course I played little mister innocent and said it was only the 3rd time I’d ever done it and that my boyfriend introduced me to it. I told them that I was a good kid from NYC. Well they bought some of the horse shit I was feeding but not all of it. They found the box cutter and just like a CSI episode they sprayed it and there it was 3 little speckles of blood proving that I cut him with the box cutter. On went the cuffs…

I admitted that I threw the box cutter at him but it was after he broke the pipe and started screaming at me. Now mind you I might have also said something like I broke the pipe because I didn’t like this stuff and how it was making us act so that I could make myself look like the martyr. Either way my ass was in Tucson’s version of central booking. It was this big room I had to have a cavity search. I literally had to spread my ass cheeks so that the guard could see right up my ass. They didn’t stick any fingers up me but I saw them or rather heard them do it someone else that came in behind me. All I could think of was am I gonna crash while I was in jail. The system is different in Tucson I thought I wasn’t gonna get out till Monday morning since I got arrested on a Friday night but they released me about 12 hours later. So the next morning after getting my court date I made my way back home and all I could hope for was that the cops didn’t find my stash. Now here’s the slick thing. There are no pay phones near the jail. I walked about 2 miles to the corner store where I called a cab and went home so that I could get high and that’s what I did. By the time I got home my apartment had aired out and the pepper spray had finally worn off and I could breath. So I breathed in a bunch of hits and did that the rest of the weekend. I was sentenced to anger management that I never went to and one more amends I still have to pay the Tucson court fees. None of this stopped me from using, in fact me and the boyfriend got back together that same week. We went right back to our same old routine. Things continued to get worse but I’ll talk about that later.

What’s so funny to me not ha ha funny but karma funny is that even with this was not a big enough bottom for me to get clean. In fact 2 years later still using after I moved back to NY and health complications I developed a ingrown hair that got infected in my thigh that has left a scar that looks just like the one I gave my ex. It’s just on the front of my thigh. I wasn’t high when I got my scar. I was sober 2 months at the time and felt the incision that the doctor made. The addict in me wants to say my scar is bigger and hurt more since I wasn’t high when they cut me open but the reality is I had it coming!

A BLAST FROM THE PAST

They keep crawling out the wood the work! Yesterday I went to a night out at the park, gay day at 6 Flags. Now I was stressed to the max after helping to organize a bus for 48 people but with a lot of help from great people we pulled it off and had a blast!

As I walked past the fountain behind the main entrance the gayest of gay entertainment began, CHEERLEADERS! My first thought whenever I see “Bring it On” or Cheer squads on ESPN2 is of my dear friend John from when I lived in Ft Myers Florida. We are both native NYer’s who somehow migrated to the sunshine state. When we first met we were instant friends. He was one of the last friends I made before I turned to the dark side. We were young with the whole world ahead of us and I had no idea of the bitch slaps life was going to swing at me. I would drive down to Naples Florida where John coached a high school squad and he would always try to teach me gymnastics and how to flip and jump from the trampoline and I just never had the co-ordination for it. Somehow I always landed wrong and hurt myself so I gave up on it rather quickly. I did enjoy the bouncing though. As I approached the squad by the fountain I noticed the one standing directly in front of me was none other then my dear friend John. It has been over 7 years since I’ve seen him and I am so happy to run into someone from the good ole days.

It was around the time I met John that things started to unravel in my life. Not that he had anything to do with it, just bad timing. It was around this time that my step-father perished in 9/11 and then my grandmother died and many other disasters like my real father giving me a hit of acid and telling me to live a little. So pretty much most of that time is a big blur to me do to all the drinking and drugging that followed. I can remember faces and names and events but big chunks are missing. Before the crystal took over my life there was ecstasy and before and during that there was vicadin weed vodka & tequila. Now John was not one of the bad influences that contributed to me decent, in fact he was one of the anchors holding to the good side. He never engaged in the drugs and never had more then two cocktails while we were out. He was a constant reminder of the “goodie two shoes” that I used to be but he was always fun and funny and great to be around. Plus all he hung out with was hot diesel little gymnast cheerleader boys what more could a boy ask for.

I can’t wait to spend some time with him catching up and reminiscing about the past. I have found a few of my old Florida friends on myspace and facebook but they all live far away like Florida or in some cases Michigan. Its great to keep up with them from the computer monitor but its not like we can go to the beach together or take a road trip down alligator alley or memory lane via the World Wide Web. I can tell you John and I had some great adventures like the time I pulled over on Alligator Alley US 41 and was standing 6 feet away from an 8’ alligator, or the time his car broke down and we walked the railroad tracks back to my house when two black racers (a local non venomous snake in south west Florida) took off from the under the tracks and into the woods. Now I don’t like snakes especially after my roommate’s Boa bit me, but I’m not scared of them. What was so funny about this event is that John is about 6’2” and built like a football player, I’m 5’10” and at the time maybe 145lbs wet. Also John was dressed and still does dress pretty butch, back then and on this day I was dressed in a white cut off tank top with “material girl” in red glitter and red cargo pants. So when the snakes sped off I thought it was hilarious that John leaped into my arms like a scared little girl. (Sorry John I had to tell that story it’s my fondest memory of you) We made it to my house and car without a scratch back then we were so resilient I thought I was invincible. Oh how the years have taken their toll.

When the cat gets out the bag

Sorry to keep you all waiting for this entry but I’ve really just been caught up with dealing with life on life’s terms. I doubt I would have been able to get through what has happened over the course of the last two weeks if hadn’t been for all the love and support of the wonderful people in my life.

Things started to hit the fan Wed September 2nd when I received a phone call from my mother urging me to become a civil servant. I told her I appreciated the job posting she forwarded to me and that I would look at them. I also told her that I would appreciate if she would actually take my education and career goals in mind when she was deciding what I should be doing. I agree with her whole heartedly that a job with a pension is a logical safe step. I explained to her that my heart is in the non-profit world and that I’d be happy to work for a city agency that had a mission statement that was near and dear to my heart.

My mother then proceeded to contact an old family friend to recruit into her game. I get an email from this family friend telling me I should really get a job with the city. I know my mothers handy work. I’ve been playing this chess game called my life with her for 30 years. I bluntly told this person that I’d appreciate it if he stood out of my career goals and ambitions and to not relay messages from my mother to me or that I would simply cut him out of my life. He understood and apologized not realizing that he was getting sucked into the mellow drama between mother and I.

Out of desperation my mother contacted an estranged relative to relay the same message. This relative is very close with me and not my mother for many justifiable reasons that I won’t get into right now. Up until that Friday I was the only blood relative speaking to my mother. Not that I’m close or fond of my mother but out of pity. Our mutual relative replied back asking why they should bother to repeat the message when my mother had made a very vulgar comment publicly about them. Then in a last ditch effort to gather support in her personal goals for my future my mother revealed to this relative very sensitive information about me that I had been keeping private. My mother was only privy to this info out of necessity not out of confidence in a trusted love one.

Needless to say I was outraged and upset about this relative finding this out from my mother. It was not her secret to tell and in no way was this, the scenario that I had planned. I had made it very clear that it was not information to be shared with anyone else. I feel violated by this and countless other events and have decided that for my own sanity and mental health that my mother is no longer a part of my life. I know I don’t have the ability to read minds, however I do know that my mother did this out of spite and as an attempt to manipulate someone to take her side. I can say that the silver lining is that it only has brought me closer to the person she gossiped to.

At this moment in time my mother no longer exists to me. I do not have the energy to keep defending the onslaught against every boundary or line in the sand I draw. In order to take care of me I need to keep surrounding myself with the good people in my life and I have plenty. I will not tolerate people in my life threatening my recovery. There are roles in life such as motherhood that we preconceive to be safe and loving, so why do I have to look to other relatives, friends and even strangers for this type of support? I’m not going to trash my mother here. She is a sick person that loves me the best she can. I just can’t accept toxic love anymore; my standards have become too high. I will be treated with love and respect by people in my life not be manipulated and controlled.

STAY TUNED!

Hey my peeps I've got a lot brewing and gonna be pounding the keyboard soon so stay tuned! I promise to make a few entries this week but at least one this weekend so you guys can start your Monday to a juicy piece of drama from my life to make your week exciting!

LOVE YOU ALL AND THANKS FOR ALL THE SUPPORT!

SORRY!

Hey everyone! Please don't think I'm abandoning my blog I'm just trying to process a lot of things that have happened recently and at this moment they are a little to hard to talk about. I'm working things out and keep trying to pound my thoughts into the keyboard but nothing really makes sense right now. I guess my drama is causing writers block at the moment.

UNO MOMENTUM

Where do I begin to describe the weekend I have had? I’ll start by saying I’ve found exactly what I’m looking for and exactly what I’m not looking for. Of course this resulted from two different guys 3.5 dates a going away party and one hicky on my neck.

This course of events was set in motion a while ago but caught speed Thursday. I got emailed from a really cute guy with a dorky comic screen name so we’ll refer to him as Comic Guy or CG for short. Meanwhile I had already been chatting with this really sexy guy for a while online but just never met due to conflicting schedules so we’ll refer to him as Exhibit Sexy or ES from here on. Now mind you I’ve had a crazy two weeks I’m recovering from a pinched nerve and bad sinus infection so I’m kind of a mess right now.

I make a date to meet CG on Friday evening while he’s on his dinner break and I like these kind of dates you meet have a cup of coffee and shoot the shit no muss no fuss right, well I meet him and he’s adorable so we chat and make arrangements to meet up on Sunday. Now its Friday evening I run home freshen up and go to a meeting in my neighborhood and then to my neighbors for a movie then I get text from ES and we make plans to hang out Saturday night. Honestly what would you do? ES represents sexual energy to me while CG represents the guy I’d introduce to my Aunt Lu and since it’s only one date in with CG I am willing to admit I’m just planning to have a hot time with ES before I jump head first into something with CG.(OK I know this makes me sound like such playa but you know what hate the game ok cause its not like either one of these guys are my boy friend so 3.5 dates in three days is not that serious so stop judging me!)

Now I know how the ES guys roll they will cancel on you in a heart beat if something better comes their way so I’m not even expecting to really meet him Saturday night so while running errands CG invites me to his job for lunch and I stop by. I’m tired and not feeling well after running errands with a friend all morning so I cut or date short ergo the ‘.5’ and return home to nap and prepare incase ES does show up and he does.

Here’s where things get messy instead of it just being a casual encounter we spend the night talking. We watch two movies cuddle and talk all night. Now I have him pegged as your typical playa type so I had no expectations other then sex and honestly we didn’t have sex. He’s entangled and I respected that but what’s crazy is that the cuddling and actually falling asleep on his chest made me terribly aware of what it is I’m really looking for and that’s the feeling of safety and comfort. Saturday night ending with me wanting more, but I was completely satisfied with what I got.

Sunday is a completely different story. Again being the busy bee I am I run around during the day and come home to prepare to have CG come over. He arrives and I give him points for traveling 3 boroughs’ to see me. Now here’s where I go wrong. I’ve categorized CG as the nice BF type and so I’m hopping to talk more and get to know him and see where things go. Also I’m taking him to a going away party for a friend of mine that night. He arrives and his only intention is sex. To add insult to injury he arrives with a bottle of vodka and red wine. I did tell him the party was a byob so bring what he liked but I also explained I’m in recovery and don’t drink at all but he couldn’t rap his head around why I wouldn’t have wine with dinner. We get to the party which is mostly gay men (theatre kids) and he gets shit faced. I can sense his insecurities cause after his 4th drink he keeps trying to claim his territory by kissing me and groping and hugging me at the party and then in the cab home he asked if I had ever slept with my friend who the party was for. Now were back at my place and he’s three sheets to the wind and trying to get some action and I have to shoot him down. I made it clear that he’s intoxicated to me and that it wouldn’t work out. So he passes out. He left this morning and he won’t be returning.

Its funny how all this doesn’t make me fill bitter. In fact it makes me feel happier then ever to know that I know now more then ever what I’m looking for in a relationship is the mental and spiritual intimacy that I’m seeking, the ability to just be next to someone, and fall asleep to the rhythm of their pulse. Also I’ve learned that the guys that look like the safe bets can be the bigger danger then ones our mom’s warn us about, I’m glad my sobriety is still intact and that I make it a non-negotiable in this dating game. ES actually was drinking a beer while he was here but he knew I didn’t drink so he never offered me any and also didn’t apologize for drinking it. CG out of guilt never opened his wine bottle and proceeded to have 5 cocktails and embarrass me at a party after trying to simply get his needs met.

My lesson here is that that wolves have hearts and lambs have teeth also I really am on the right track and one moment the right way with the wrong guy followed by another moment the wrong way with right guy confirms I’m moving in a very healthy positive momentum and sooner or later the right guy is going to show up!

Bridge & Tunnel

Manhattan is a very small island and NYC is the most densely populated city in the US. All though it’s the melting pot of America certain spices prefer to clump up; as they say bird of a feather flock together.

I am fortunate enough to call myself a local here. I've lived in 3 of the 5 boroughs and I have lived in several other states so I have a gracious perspective of this city esp. the mass transit system. When I lived in Tuscan AZ there was no inner gay community or gay ghetto we were just peppered around in various places. A good hook up could be over an hour away door to door. I think NY gays don't realize how easy it is to get across or up and down town, cabs buses and subways are abundant.

Here's an example: I had met someone that turns out to live 6 stops from me on a merging train line. Literally 3 stops transfer to either the local or express train depending on who would go to the others house. I took the trip late one night after midnight when the trains run slow and it still only took me 25 minutes but he passed out. He apologized and tried to get me to come over again the next day. Now the old door mat I was would have said sure but the ‘new me’ with higher standards said "Are you fucking kidding me?” (To myself) I can show up in the middle of the night to your crack stack train station and have to turn around and go home but you aren't willing to come to my place cause its in ‘the Bronx’ then I have no time for you. If my neighborhood is a GU (geographically undesirable) to you then back at ya. I'm not starting a relationship nor even willing to date someone where there is a power struggle going on with clothing. I'm willing to go as far as you are. If I can be expected to go to your place you can damn well come to mine, its not like this person lives on 5th Ave or Central Park West or any of the gay neighborhoods like Hells Kitchen or Chelsea or even the West or East Village. He lives in an even more remote area with far less access then I do. So when you throw the "it’s an entirely different borough" crap at me I lose interest.

So cute Manhattan boy I hope you know your closed mindedness on inter borough travel makes you the bridge and tunnel trash because I’m as far from you as you are close to me. You just can't see past your moat the east river!

I ONCE WAS LOST

I was working down on Houston last evening and I noticed several people that were pulling luggage and after then each passed me by the second time I realized they were off there baring which is easy to do down on the LES. My first reaction was one of sympathy how terrible it must be to not know where you're going, but then two separate individuals passed me a third time I realized they were lost. I recognized the panic and despair in their eyes and became very upset with myself. Who was I to pity these people and how quickly I have forgotten some of the many sub-basements of my bottom.

I've traveled the country looking for my place in the world, where I fit in and felt normal and most importantly safe with peace of mind. I'm still looking and I doubt I'll ever stop but I've narrowed it down my home town of NYC for now. I have been building my a foundation here and I think that the sign of it being a good one is that I almost forgot how bad things used to be.

After my total recall I was happily reminded of insanity when a very unstable person passed by me on Houston screaming obscenities at everyone. But wait there's more. Today was Bronx Gay Pride day and not only did I help set up the stage but I also went out to celebrate and go dancing. I will go into more detail about this adventure later but suffice to say I did stay sober. The club I went to in the Westchester Sq was not your typical Chelsea experience. It had a very small town feel but I liked it. It reminded me of my days in Florida when I was as young as the boys in this place, which brings me to my point.

At first I was very nervous and uncomfortable going to club but I saw some many young people that at first I just said OMG was I ever that young? As I watched them watching each other I realized some of them were trying to find themselves like we all once or still are. So I looked inside myself and found who I am at least at this point in my life and I liked no I loved what I saw and so I got on that dance floor and I TURNED IT OUT!

WERQ BETCHES

That’s how it goes…

I’ve given up on the happy ending, the white night on his stead or Ducati, at least for now. At this moment in time I’m taking what I need and leaving the rest. I continue to date and put myself out there and am still disappointed. If I kiss anymore frogs I’m gonna be in a valtrex commercial. Not that these guys are ugly or bad guys there just hasn’t been anyone that I’ve said “Hey I want to introduce you to my family.” It’s not that no one is good enough for me it’s that they aren’t good enough for the people that are too good to me. I share so much love and receive so much from the loved ones around me that they just don’t measure up. Sorry guys but you’re not good enough for my baby brother and his mom or my Aunt Lu or my cousins or Melinda and her mother. The funny thing is everyone in my life in a non romantic way is worth it. All my friends measure up. I guess I need to start fishing in my own pond. Why do I have such a hang up about this?

Either you get your terms met from people you don't want
Or want what you want from people that don't want to give it to you