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Thursday, November 12, 2009

WIN AT LOVE? I CAN’T EVEN WIN AT SOLITAIRE!


So I think its time to crawl back under a rock with a three years supply of Ben & Jerry’s Chubby Hubby and eat it in 4 months. At least when I was still fat I could understand why getting a date was difficult but I’m 158lbs I have a 31.5 waist I’m hung like a donkey, I’m smart and I’m not ugly either and not just because my aunt says so.

I’ve made my profiles all of them poz.com adam4adam manhunt and every other site I’ve been on I’ve made it clear that I’m not looking for guys with boyfriends or guys that are just looking for sex so what do I get now? I get guys with boyfriends that are looking for friends and threesomes or still just guys with boyfriends that want to fuck. Or guys that chase after me for a week and then fall of the face of the earth. I’m done but I don’t know what direction to go in from this point. I feel like I’ve been holding on to this ideal in my mind that if I just keep holding out for the right guy for the right fit that sooner or later its gonna happen but it’s a lot fucking later. (This is not for comment from any of my recovery friends if you give me some bullshit life on life’s terms lines I will fucking slap you!) I’m seriously ready to just move pull another geographic and disappear and start over again.

I came home to NYC to get clean and you know what I’m clean the side effects of sobriety have been wonderful, I’m employed I’m busy I have a life etc etc etc but the only reason I got sober was because the big that was not working in my life was that I always felt alone. I sucked on a crystal pipe alone. I did everything alone only because I was a successful drug dealer people were always willing to hangout with me till I kicked them out. Now I’m sober almost 2 years and I just feel more alone. I don’t go to meetings for a week no one calls me to check on me, they tell other people to call me because I’m a reliable source of information on this or that but no one really misses me when I’m not around.

I’ve gained to much to give up on myself specifically to go back to using but I’m done with this life I’m living it’s not what I wanted and the beneficial side effects aren’t totally up to anything worth holding onto so I need to change something. So heads up people I’m going in a different direction and I’m not looking back.

2 comments:

  1. Hey Tommy,

    I feel ya. And I think there's a clue to your present state when you write "the only reason I got sober was because the big that was not working in my life was that I always felt alone."

    Sounds like you are expecting to find happiness in a relationship. Find happiness inside, and the relationship will follow. And, Dude, you really are looking for love on all the wrong Web sites. You're looking for things to change? Shut that bitch DOWN! :-)

    Just a suggestion. Hugs from Salt Lake, where there is NO one who can touch you for heart, wit, or donkey dong.

    XO

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  2. I'm just sick of being happy by myself. I know me, I am one of those people that feels happiest when I have someone to spend my time with. I feel like recovery has left me just as isolated as using it's just another extreme. I'm not stopping or leaving the meeting but I'm not making meeting on date nights and I'm focusing my energy on dating so 2 or 3 meetings a week and the rest is devoted to choirs and dating

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