Monday, June 8, 2009
Psycho some addict! I'm out of control!
Lately I've been eating all my feeling. All my emotions are in correspondence with a 'Ben & Jerry's' flavor (my fav chubby hubby) I was at a meeting last night that focused on relationships intimacy & sex in recovery and the speaker (a good friend of mine) repeated something that I have been dealing with. Where do we recovering tweakers’ seek out safe consensual partners? The speaker and I agree that we feel that we get all the intimacy we need from the rooms. I can say that there are few subjects that are off topic with me and most people know my story. Let's face facts if you're reading this blog you know I leave little to the imagination. (Terence would like me to go into detail about our sex life but I think that's an entirely different blog) unless of course I declare myself a sex addict. As much as I identify with the 14 characteristics of sexual compulsion I can't say that I'm a sex addict. Don't get me wrong I LOVE SEX but hey I still got 10 days left to 'NO SEX' and I've made it this far, no point of quitting now. Besides I think you have all come to love the love I give you via my blog.
Back to the dating pool; so what pond do I dip my worm in? I went to meeting last week In another fellowship and the first was great the second scared the shit out of me. It was just a different exp then what I'm used to. Both were full of recovery but I'm pretty well known in the 12 step circles so I think that was why at the first one I didn't get that new comer welcome with a billion numbers and business cards being handed to me as though I just walked in looking like porn star, smiling naked, lubed and ready to go. (Sweet fantasy rescues me!) Nope instead I ran into several people I know that know me and ended up surrounded by women. I love my gurls but maybe it was just a bad call on my part. I don't plan to abandon my fellowship I totally owe my life to it (trust me I was a mess) but I love my fellows too much to risk spoiling the healthiest relationships I've ever had. Now I won't pretend like I don't have my crushes trust me I do! There are quite a few hottie pataties' and I'd love to do some cardio step work with. One thing I've managed to do very well is keep a distance from anyone I have romantic interests in and keep a safe distance from people that I've had "relations" with while I was still active. There is one in particular that I see all the time and we both have really done well in the program putting time together. And yes I was totally crushing on him for a long time after so I knew for my own recovery I needed to keep a safe distance. Especially since he was my go to fantasy whenever I found myself, Mono Han Solo. The funny thing is as much as he was my fantasy future husband it was totally based on the hot sex we had. Granted I think I've been very capable of picking out some diamonds in the ruff and he totally falls into that category. I can always tell who are good people, that are just sick and suffering when I was out using. There is something in people’s voices and eyes I could see (when my eyes weren't crossed) and hear (when I wasn't hearing helicopters). So yes I've watched him recover and become this beautiful sober person that now I actually love for who he is and I know that he is more of a brother then a husband. Not that I'd say no to some incestual behavior ;) Ok 1, 2, 3, now back to me! A saying I picked up from a friend I recently made from another fellowship.
So I realized that maybe it’s not something I'm missing in my soul but possibly my diet. When I started my 90 in 90 no sex I was taking a multi vitamin and trying to be active and eat healthy. I also started attending a 4 week class to assess where I was at to go back to school. When I started the class I stopped taking the vitamin and I think that in the last week I must have depleted some mineral complex and that was what triggered the massive appetite and the hunger triggered a sense of loneliness cause I started taking the vitamin again and I'm starting to feel much better, but maybe that's just the addict in me needing to know I'm ingesting something that will make me feel better. I'll tell you what though if in 15 months sobriety I've learned to pop a multi-vitamin instead of popping out a pipe and it takes a brain freeze detox to realize I'm eating too much ice cream I'm doing pretty damn good!