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Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Crystal Clarity

Isn’t it weird that for most of the world the word crystal means something beautiful, glamorous and mystifying? I still think that all that holds true still. In fact I have a ball of crystal right here on my desk. It’s my quartz crystal ball from Brazil.

I used to tell myself that crystal helped me focus and accomplish my goals. It did at first. It helped delay the night terrors and gave me a false sense of everything. It even was beneficial of helping overcome my fears. I was convinced I could do anything I set my mind to. “Brain surgery anyone?”

Through out my youth I have been recognized for my writing skills many times. I’ve won awards in elementary school, praise from High School teachers that tried to get me to submit my essays to competitions, I have even had work published in highly respectable newspapers under other peoples names. The people pleaser in me is always more then willing to give away my skills for a simple ‘thank you’ and pat on the shoulder. (How else did you think I filled up these buckets with resentments’ I carry?)

I’ve always known I’ve had something to say just never really sure what to say so instead I lived my life adventure after adventure each destination leading into another and so on and so on... Well most adventures turned into calamities and all the stops along the way have been the cobblestones on my path of good intention, and we all know where those lead.

In my recovery I’ve had sober eyes to look back on and see that I’m more then the footprints of my past. I’m the conscience choice of every step plus the sum of them. Many lead right into the next but I have made a lot of course alterations. I always say “Gravity Obstacles’ & Destinations” but I have lost count of how many times have I rested on the rocks of difficulty out of laziness only to find out that I was closer to an previous path. My history is littered with me throwing in the towel or better yet not even putting up the effort of the fight.

I don’t regret every choice I’ve made, I don’t think I’d be human if I didn’t regret some things. Either way I choose to go forward. There is a saying “a thief with no opportunity to steal considers himself an honest man” I interpret that to mean that people can ignore they’re character defects if there is no opportunity to act out on them. I am an addict I make a conscious decision everyday to not get high. So what does that make me?

I can look back now and see that I have quite a tale to tell. I’ve lived many lives and worn many hats. Sometimes my memory is hazy about details but for the most party my recall is pretty accurate. I may mess up a date or the chronological line of events but I remember the feelings I had and a lot of the things I’ve done and that’s a burden in and of its self. They say one of the curses of addiction is a great memory!

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