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Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Can you believe that in the late ‘90’s in NYC someone thought it was a good idea to deliver boxes of wine to college dorms?

So recently via conversations with strangers I was reminded of how often I try to decide which of my toes taste better. If you couldn’t figure that out let me elaborate. I have a proven track record of putting my foot in my mouth. Sometimes I choose to mumble just because I don’t even comprehend what I’m saying. Now its not that I’m a ‘Timmy’ a ‘Helen’ or a ‘Mental Midget’ I’m just me, a very well balanced version of the three. I speak without thinking; I can be completely blind to my surroundings, and sometimes how no idea what’s going on around me.

This was abundantly clear to me after Y2K. I had turned 21 and discovered the Kozmo’s and Urban Fetch services and spent a large portion of time in my ex’s dorm. I being the first one in the group of age would order boxes of wine. Three white wines, and three red. Till this day (even though I haven’t drank in over 15 months) red wine always gives me a hangover. I always had to drink as much as possible to get just a little loose and feel on even playing ground with the Fordham kids. Paul put a quote wall on his door and every time someone said something worth writing down up it went. Now there were some really good one liners considering we were all watching Dawson’s Creek and Felicity and arguing over Fiona Apple versus Annie DiFranco. (Sorry Jen I still stand by my Fiona I think I could write a short story from each of her songs and parallel it with my own life.) BTW Tori Amos’s new album so far so not worth the wait. For the record I never liked Dawson’s Creek, a bunch of 20 somethings pretending to be 15 walking around with thesauruses (Don’t even get me started on Katie Holmes) arguing over virtue and false virginity.

Back to the quote wall, I know I made it up there more then once do to comments like "Its not that I mean to say stupid things, it's that I don't mean what I say to sound stupid!" Now this insanity was very common from me when I was sober and can you imagine what I sounded like with a box of wine? I am very glad that I can use the “I can’t remember I was drunk!” excuse on a lot of the shit that came out of my mouth. I vaguely recall going out drinking with co-workers one night and getting shit faced. I just needed to numb out and before I knew it I was in Terence’s dorm room tasting that metallic flavor you get in your mouth after puking. The next morning I did recall opening the cab door as it was driving and up chucking a trail of liquor from 9th Ave to 10th Ave. I even remember the cab driver yelling at me. The thing is when you’re inebriated things sound fine in your head it’s that when they come out my mouth they’re all garbled and don’t make sense. More then just not being comprehendible I get mean and nasty. I’ve been referred to as a real CUNT when I’m drinking. I’m not even gonna repeat what I said to Paul cause in my mind three sheets to the wind mind I was convinced that something else was happening so I said something in an attempt to be funny that came out rude crude and just wrong. (REALLY SUPER SORRY PAUL)

Here’s why I’m always putting my foot in my mouth. I am constantly running an inner dialog and sometimes I say things not realizing I didn’t verbalize the thought process I had just before coming up the comment I make. So if I say something that doesn’t make sense to you don’t take it personal. It’s really a compliment, it means I’ve included you in my thoughts and thought I shared them with you before I spewed my nonsense.

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